Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Why are Statues Always Naked?

Husband and Middle Son had Bright Idea to dig huge hole on Sunday. In garden. Said it was a Pond.
Oh, said I.
Vast volcanic heap of wet earth to one side of hole.
Said it was a Feature.
Oh, said I.
Laid huge blanket of black shiny rubber into hole. Filled it with water.
Both looking Twinkly and Pleased.
Can we have plants? asked Daughter. She and Youngest Observing Pond Digging.
Could do, I said.
Can we have fish?
Could do, I said.
Can we have a Fountain?
Could do, I said.
Long story cut to the quick...knocked Fountain and Fish requests on the head. Running with Plants Theme.
With that in mind we all went, minus Husband, to Garden Centre yesterday.
Found some. Eight pots of Dead Reed looking things.
'They'll look bootiful in the summer,' said Sales Assistant. 'Attract the Wild Loife.'
We all looked blankly at the eight pots.
Under close scrutiny found very small green bits. Rather hoped that this was New Life. Apparently one was an iris. There was a brown squelchy thing in pot.
'That'll be it,' said Sales Assistant. 'Bootiful in the summer.'
Bloody horrible now.
Bought the eight pots.
On way out Daughter and Youngest were having Youthful Giggles about statues to one side of us, laden with willies and bosoms. Youngest going up to statues and staring, hard, at privates.
Why are Statues always Naked? asked Daughter.
Because their clothes would get dirty and they couldn't put them in the washing machine, said Youngest.
Because it's hard to carve a raincoat, wellington boots and large rain hat, I said briskly, hurrying them past and hissing at Youngest to stop fiddling with the statue's bottom.
Oh, they said.
Took eight plants home. And two bags of Highland Stones.
Why can't we pick up stones from the garden, asked children.
Because I Don't Want To. I said.
Children got bored and played on the trampoline.
Tipped Highland Stones into hole. Plunged arm into Freezing Water and Arranged Bloody Highland Stones.
Arranged dead plants.
Vaboom.
Pond.
Done.
Children drifted up. Drifted away again.
Cut awful shiny rubber so that it's not flipping out all over surrounding lawn.
Looked at Pond.
Looked bloody awful. Dead Reed things floating about in brown water. Stones lurking below. Shiny rubbery lining gleaming like an Elvis Presley haircut.
Around pond is sea of mud. Flattened yellowing grass.
Heart sank.
Went in and made cup of tea.
Went out and looked at pond.
Still looked bloody awful.
Will kill Husband for making Pond and Feature right in view of our View.
Still, Sales Assistant said it would look Bootiful in the summer.
We will wait and see.
And will then kill Husband.

36 comments:

Debbies-English-Treasures said...

First time over visiting your lovely blog!
Loving your posts and choice of music!
Debbie Moss

geraldgee said...

Thank goodness some statues do have clothes,think of all those Queen Victoria ones in our parks

ChrisH said...

I hope after all that effort it does look bootiful in the summer!
(Ps Lisa has made today's Guardian, Libby Brooks, in case you haven't seen.)

Suburbia said...

Cheer up, wait tilll you have an invasion of 'piggybacking' frogs! Any time soon is my guess ;)

Oh and the nakendness? It's art darling!

Preseli Mags said...

I'm a first time visitor too. I thoroghly enjoyed your pond tale and I hope it does look bootfiul in the summer (if only for your husband's sake!) I loved the statue story too and the 'having Youthful Giggles'. Great stuff!

MrsMama said...

Oooo, would love to see photos! (Of ugly pond, not Naked Statues) :P

Vicus Scurra said...

Frogs. Lovely.
Newts. If you are lucky.
Dragonflies.
Get some oxygenating plants, and some shelter for frogs on edge of pond.
NO CHEMICALS.
Scurra.
Garden advisor to the impoverished.

Troy said...

Suggest* putting dead husband in pond with arm reaching skyward holding gleaming sword. Great feature and talking point.

* as an attempt at humour rather than as accessory to murder.

Exmoorjane said...

Pond a bad idea. Always look scuzzy. I poke mine occasionally and - scarily - things poke back.
Yup, totally with you on the statue question - willies much easier to carve than pleated skirts and shirts with collars (I know this as attempted to sculpt my mother playing the guitar when I was doing art O level.)

Diane said...

Thanks for the chuckle!

RE the pond... do you have some sort of filtery thing? Otherwise, it will just be a deep puddle of stagnant water, which will smell and attract all manner of unpleasant bugs. Just sayin'.

Suzanne said...

Great post.

Don't worry - everything looks better in the summer.

cheshire wife said...

It is amazing how plants that look absolutely dead in the middle of winter can put on such a good show in the summer. It will be a photo and post opportunity!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Pond will be wonderful - take heart LWM. We did a similar thing many years ago - frog took up residence within minutes! It won't be murky if you have oxygenating plants and very soon your new plants will be shooting and flowering.

We still have a pond with frogs and newts. Had a quick look this morning and discovered frog spawn. I was delighted! A x

Kevin Musgrove said...

And then there'll be the surprising day when you realise that you've got fish anyway...

In answer to the main question: so that you've somewhere to hang your umbrella.

Working mum said...

And why do husbands build ponds?

Tatersmama said...

Need photos of pond.
And statues.
I just haven't seen rock-hard willies in a long time.

Mud in the City said...

Naked men: one of those things that can look beautiful in marble and avguely disappointing in real life.

Did you know that with statues of men on horseback the number of feet the horse has on the ground denotes the fate of his rider?

Mud: providing peculiar trivia to all.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Didn't plan to break it to you in this way but, your husband has been decorating in my backyard, too. It looks horrid. It surely is not MY fault.

And statues might be naked because they want to show off their hard bodies. Oh Hahahahaha...ha....uh. Not that funny but it does remind me of all of Rodin's statues of Paul the Apostle. I remember the first time I saw them in San Francisco. I just had no idea that Paul did all of his Godly works sans clothing. Who knew? Rodin, apparently. He was older than he let on.

Miranda said...

Brrr, isn't it a bit cold for pond digging? Or naked statues for that matter...

Vodka Mom said...

i loved this post.......


it was very creative and lovely....

Catharine Withenay said...

Surely what is needed is a focal point - perhaps a naked statue?

Wouldn't it take your mind off the mud?

Tamsin said...

debbie - lovely to see you! glad you like the posts and music.. will come over to yours asap!
gg - good point, as it were, gg. What a relief... not a pretty site...
ChrisH - Have looked through Guardian...cant find her,this is because have 19th guardian... how exciting. will find yesterdays paper Right Now.
suburbia - art!! Phew. Thats ok then. And Piggybacking Frogs? Frightened. Very frightened...
PM - thank you! glad you enjoyed silly tales re pond life... will be over to visit ASAP!!
Mrs M- they are for ever etched onto my mind. But unfortunately not on my camera!
VS- wow. Free advice!! Have got 8 dead plants. god knows what is oxg wotsit... will look on the side... thank you!
Troy - as always some sound advice. Will do that. Dont have sword. Might have to do with garden spade. will that do?
jane -wow... art o'level. And sculpturng mother... am full of swoony admiration. Can only draw houses. Full Stop. Agree with Scuzzy Pond theory. Bollocks eh.
Diane - omg... filtery thing. this could be deeply scary. But will tell Husband. And he can get filtery thing, if he wants a long and healthy life...
Suzanne-this is worryingly the same as Husband says.. but I think you are right! (better be ;))
CW-I know... I should take before and after pics, shouldnt I?! Will do so.. thanks for that!
Anne- its those oxy plants things again... how do I know what is and isnt oxy thingy?? glad you have some frog spawn.. how lovely...x
Kevin-ahhh. Now I know.. thought that was for saucepans hanging.
wm-now, if we knew that... the world would be a more understandable place, WM. same reason they build cars.. because they can??!
tatersmama- they were very very small. Go visit your local garden centre.. you never know. might have good selection there!
mud- that is so cool, to know that! so what is the difference between 2 or 3 or 4 feet? How brilliant is that. Need to know,Mud. Need to show off to friends.
Robynn- !!! So sorry Husband has ruined your garden too. will send him back when he has made our pond respectable. LOL with your hard bodies. Bad Girl. x
Miranda-I think Naked Statues are very cold as their appendages are tiny.
VM- glad you think so!! need to visit you soon for nice long giggle. x
Catharine- now thats a good idea. Will go and pur-chase one and stick it right in pond. Marvellous!

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Lovely post. I agree, what is it about men and ponds? It's like the barbeque thing, they burn meat, we make salad, lay table, clear up.....
J X

Troy said...

Who is this "Tasmin" who is answering your comments?
And suggest using garden fork rather than garden spade - sort of Neptune meets King Arthur.

the mother of this lot said...

'...will then kill husband...'

Sounds like the best idea anyone's had all day.

Sir Bruin said...

You never see a naked living statue, do you?
I had a pond once, it came with a house that I had bought ("Landscaped garden" - my arse!). It was a bloody nuisance and I ended up filling it in.

Good luck with yours!

Neas Nuttiness said...

Never thought about clothes getting dirty on statues. I believe that your son is quite estute.
Pleas show pics, when pond is
bootiful!

Ladybird World Mother said...

who the hell IS Tamsin!! Actually she is my mate and I stayed with her in London and replied to all your lovely comments on her laptop and then pressed the wrong button. Oops.
Anyway...
Reasons TBC123 - burn meat. make mess. have beer. Its called Helping!
Troy - Tamsin thing explained above... what a fool am I.... and fork a grand idea... Neptune meets King Arthur meets Alan Titchmarch.
motherofthislot - oh dear. Sympathetic look... bad day?!
Sir B - filling it in. Brilliant. Can do that this weekend! And naked living statues?? See them all the time in my house. Called children.
NN- I will tell him! And today we took some Before pictures... dead plants thing... will see if I can show some. Not Very Exciting Though

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Sales assistants will tell you anything..!!

CJ xx

imbeingheldhostage said...

so a shiny red convertible really could just put you over the edge after this one?

Is it wrong that I take such pleasure reading how Hubby's grand idea turned into more work for you?


what music? You have music on here?

Hadriana's Treasures said...

You could elongate it and turn it into a moat...turninh house into Castle. Always a good sales pitch when it comes to selling house sorry Castle!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

turning (sorry...children are killing one another in background...that's my excuse anyway)

ALMOST MRS AVERAGE said...

It's just reminded me of the statue of St Edmund here in Bury St Edmunds. I am sure he's naked then again, he might not be...geez, what's happened to my memory? I've passed him a few hundred times. You'd think I'd know wouldn't you. Must be the aging memory cells. How's the husband by the way, still alive? :-D

Ladybird World Mother said...

CJ - they sure will, and then I go and believe them! Derrr..
Imbeingheldhostage - utterly and totally wrong... but I know what you mean...!
Hadriana - a moat... now there's a thing. Problem is its about 75 yards from house... very big moat, maybe? Glad your children are killing each other too. Half term, eh.
Almost Mrs A - a naked St Edmund.. no surely not. Have been passed it a few times too and cant remember either!

NaomiG said...

Hee hee! I'm sure your pond will look lovely in the summer. With proper care, which you will, of course, have to provide. :-)

The statue thing has always made me wonder. How does the artist go about deciding the size of the umm... parts? Do you err on the big side, or the small? I'm guessing everyone has a different idea of average, so that could be a problem too... I know it's supposed to be art, and that's cool, don't get me wrong. I just can't help but climb into the artist's head whose shaping the goods, so to speak.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Namomi - !!!! I know what you mean about the size thing with statues... some of them are really really small...are they using themselves as examples? And then do people laugh at them? And then its too late to rub it out and start again.. Oh, so many questions!