Friday, 13 February 2009

Trend Setter?

Trinny and Susannah... I have a challenge for you.
Today it is Absolutely Bloody Freezing.
As a result of these Chilly Weather Conditions I am sporting the following...

One pair of pants.
One Bra.
One t-shirt acting as Vest.
Pair of jeans.
Cashmere roll neck jumper (TK Maxx, where else?)
Bigger Jumper over cashmere roll neck jumper.
Even Bigger Jumper over Jumper over Cashmere Roll Neck Jumper.
Rug.
Yup.
Rug.
Wrapped round waist.
Hat.
Yup.
Large Fake Fur Hat.
Scarf.
2 Pairs of socks.
Boots.
Coat.
Hot Water Bottle Strapped to inside of coat.

Now then, Girls. Here's the thing.
How on God's Earth am I supposed to look Sexy, Young and Vibrant? I appear to Resemble a Very Large and Padded Stuffed Animal.
I Need Some Help. Obviously.
(The poor postman has just been. I waved merrily through the window, hat, rug and all. He waved back as if in a daze. My beauty? My clothes sense? ....My Arse.)
The other day there was a programme on telly about how to look good when it's Cold.
Hoorah! I thought.
Now I can look good and Be Warm!
What Total Toss that was.
Svelte looking beauties came on to the set wearing a 'Woolly Jumper'. Right. What they actually had on was very small top with strands of wool insinuated into it. And Lots of Cleavage.
Cleavage and Cold are simply Not Playmates.
During the Winter Months I do not Have A Cleavage. Or I do, but its Hidden. Rather like Mountains in the Mist. As it were.
Husband says airily,
Put on some More Layers, darling!
More Layers?
HOW THE HELL WOULD I GET ANOTHER LAYER ON ME?
Short of a Woolly Tent, there is nothing here on earth to Fit.

So, Trinny and Susannah.
Tiny tops twinned with a low slung pair of jeans just Won't Do.
Design a Warm and Practical Outfit for me to wear here.
In my Cold House.
And d'you know what...?

I'll eat my Hat.

41 comments:

Granny on the Web said...

And I thought it was only me who dressed like this.
I lean on the excuse 'the old bones don't you know'
Keep warm, wish we could hibernate, what?
Good morning from a cold damp south coast.
Love Granny

Sir Bruin said...

I worked in a cold store some years ago and we had "teddy bear" suits that were good to about -18 C.

http://www.arco.co.uk/static/industrial_clothing.html

Probably cheaper to stick with your rug though.

Mud in the City said...

I'm too hot at the moment. 90 degrees and cloudy.

What, you mean you aren't sympathetic??

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

HUsband and I were on saofa last night wrapped in anything we could find. This meant all the dolls blankets, including Barbie's which I wore on my head.

I was rejected by Trinny and Susannah once so what do I know?

Mum's the word said...

I am frequently found sitting on my couch clutching my hot water bottle, while watching......no not T & S, probably Grey's or Lost. And at Christmas, I bought my little girl her first hot water bottle, as she kept pinching mine.
Like mother, like daughter.
jo

Liz said...

Hi,

I've been reading your blog for a while now and I really like the way you write.

I'm at work in a warm office and I've still got three layers on! Last winter I invested in one of those fleece blankets for snuggling under on the sofa. I seem to recall that a certain Sir Bruin laughed at this purchase at the time, but is now a big fan and only too happy to share said blanket.

Debra (a/k/a Doris, Mimi) said...

Very few women can look good in winter wear. If they do pull it off, I doubt they are warm. I've never been overly interested in fashion - I far prefer comfort whatever the season. Winter cleavage? Baring ones breast to the winter chill does NOT make sense. We don't get overly cold here. It was 68 degrees yesterday. Sorry :(

Tawny said...

I am one of those people who don't feel cold that often, but I do sympathise, when you shiver in the winter and long for summer, I melt in the summer and long for winter. I am currently dressed in a short sleeved tshirt, jersey trousers and underwear. I will no doubt get too hot later and change said tshirt for a vest.

Okay okay, I am leaving now......

imbeingheldhostage said...

you know, supposedly a guy likes something left to his imagination, so imagine how sexy it is for your hubby and the postman to wonder where the heck you are under all of those clothes.

Today I'm dressed in nearly summer attire: one vest, one bra, one cotton camisole, one wool cardigan, knee length cotton pants--yes, really-- jeans socks and wellies. I practically ready for the beach!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Granny - hibernating would be good but so would migrating, eh?! Keep warm too on your damp coast! X
Sir B - you are too kind but what would the post man say? Must have a butchers at that arco page though. Might get some Fashion Ideas.
Mud - back in your box... or wardrobe. 90 degrees.... HAH.
My bro in law and his wife live in KL. They always show off about the heat too. Hah. Humph. Now, where are my gloves...
laura - I need a picture of that barbie blanket and you! Glad we arent the only eccentric dressers in the land. YOU WERE REJECTED BY TRINNY AND SUSANNAH? Come on, get writing and post that one!
Jo - we all have our own hot water bottles now too! So nice when its so damned cold.
Liz - thank you! And fleece blankets are a mighty fine idea and am most glad that Sir B likes to share yours!
Debra - 68 degrees??!! Wow, that seems like heat wave right now to me... glad you agree with the cleavage thing. Comfort beats fashion any day.
Tawny - !!! was just about to get the hose out and give you a drenching... there you are all warm and toasty and here I am COLD AND SHIVERING! Mad world, innit.

Ladybird World Mother said...

imbeingheldhostage - you crept in while I was doing my last comment... hadnt really thought how damned sexy I must be to Husband and postman... thanks for that cheery thought!! And yes, your outfit today is positively summery... like the wellies with the knee length pants!

Troy said...

Have you considered the following:
1. Gas central heating
2. Thermostat on 25 centigrade
3. Thong
4. Two tassles
You might find this works and will also free up space in your wardrobe.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

I really hate being cold and dress in layers in winter, sometimes in summer too. Bedtime is a bit different. I tend to get very warm very quickly but my feet stay cold, so bedsocks and hot water bottle are a must. Too much information? sorry! A x

Diane said...

I'm thinking turning up the heat a tad might be in order. Or a visit to the doc to see about your poor circulation. I don't have to wear that much when I'm out in below 0 (F) temps!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Not that you will need this skill but you are completely prepared for homelessness:

The ability to wear absolutely everything you own all at once. AND look fasionable because you are WORKIN' that hat girl! ;-)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Troy - I absolutely refuse to wear a thong and two tassles UNLESS they are made of wool. I have to think of comfort, you know.
Anne - I always love too much information! bed socks rock.
Diane - Dont have to wear much??!! I like my layers... the only time I was warm at all times was when I was pregnant. It was heaven!
Robynn - you are just Too Kind!!! But I must say I hadnt thought of the homelessness thing... think how much practice I have had...

Ladybird World Mother said...

LISTEN UP!!! Feedjit informs me that some one arrived from Spain googling for Trinny and Susannah... they got me!!! Oh, dear. That poor soul...

Kitty said...

I think Troy owes it to us all to actually post a picture of him in his thong and two tassles - I'm interested to see what colourway he favours.

M&S long sleeved thermal vests are my friends at the moment: one on, one in the wash, and it's been like that since before Christmas!

x

Mean Mom said...

Sorry to hear that you're a bit chilly. I've got hot flushes to keep me warm. They do come in handy, sometimes. ;0)

the mother of this lot said...

How on earth have I missed you until now? I've just read your post from last week about Sunday dinner.

'Eldest shovelling mouthfuls.....wanted seconds.....eldest glaring into back of fridge.....Is there any food....?'

Dear God, woman, it's like deja vu. You're living my life!

Kevin Musgrove said...

Just the one bra then?

Tatersmama said...

Just thank your lucky stars that you aren't menopausal. When that happens, the thong and tassles idea will sound absolutely wonderful.
And just imagine the look on the postman's face THEN!

The Dotterel said...

You've been at the dressing-up box again! Nice hat, though.

DJ Kirkby said...

hah! Quite the contrast from your blog header photo.

Ladybird World Mother said...

MM- oh, hot flushes... this is a pleasure denied me so far... cant say I am looking forward to them!
mother of thislot - you poor soul, living my life!! Actually its not bad, is it, not really. Its just there's never any bloomin food... thanks for coming by.. drop by again soon! (I will try and get some food in)
Kevin - you have given me an idea... thanks for that!
Tatersmama - BRING IT ON! Postman just been again... I look very normal this morning. Its the weekend and hats are off. And heating on!
the D - you are too kind! hat is frightful but very warm... I do love a dressing up box...
DJK - Yup. My other extreme. Think I know what I prefer!!

ALMOST MRS AVERAGE said...

LOL Forget T&S. All you need are a few G&Ts and you'll feel sexy as hell :-D x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Almost Mrs A - Ahaaaa! Now I have the answer... and there was silly me thinking I needed to wear more.. thank you so much!

Annie Wicking said...

Great Posting! I'm with you on this one. I'd go for feeling warm as toast rather than being cold as ice tea any day of the week when there is a ice chill in the air.

best wishes

annie

Twiglet said...

Yes I am chuckling too - still struggling with a husband who turns the heating off/down then complains that he never sees me in anything skimpy. What does he wear? - jeans, T shirt, sweater, thick socks mmmm.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Anne W - ... and am very glad to hear it!! thanks for dropping by...
Twiglet - aahh.. that dilemma. Seems to go on in every household...yup, your seems to wear the same type of thing as my Darling. But mine believes in Layering too... if we had a moment of passion.. it would take an hour to remove all clothing. And put it back on. So. No passion then. !

Robynn's Ravings said...

Hullo LB! There are awards awaiting you at my place. Come on by! :)

cheshire wife said...

You are the wrong age! The young don't feel the cold and once you get to a certain age hot flushes keep you warm.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Robynn - am so damned pleased to get your lovely award... thank you, my friend!
CW - I defy anyone to stay warm in this Absolutely Freezing House! Having said that, today has been nice and warm inside and I have only 3 layers today. positively tropical!

Anna Lefler said...

That's it. From now on, I'm calling everything a "total toss."

That's genius.

We don't get much genius here in Santa Monica, so I'm going to ride this bit till the horse dies.

Thanks for visiting my blog, BTW! I really appreciate that! Yours is fantastic!

:^) Anna

Exmoorjane said...

Aw, thank you, thank you SO Much for lovely lovely comment on mine - makes it worth blogging just for that.
I can nearly better you on the layering (and SO not in a good way) thing....have duvet wrapped around self AND my son's school socks with holes cut in them as makeshift fingerless mittens. Forgot I was wearing them the other day and went to get probate - was being ever so cool and together and then the woman looked at the hand holding the bible, swearing the oath and you could see it going through her mind - is that woman really wearing grey school socks on her hands?
Hope it gets warmer soon eh? jx

Crystal Jigsaw said...

And I dress just the same and couldn't care less about all these trend setters who think three quarter length trousers with a t shirt in the middle of winter look good. Rubbish I say. They ought to live in the real world.

CJ xx

Suburbia said...

I bet skinny Trinny shrinks to nothingness in this weather! (lucky cow!)

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Hello Ladybird, just found your blog for the first time. Am new to the game myself. Like yours very much. Listen if Trinny & Sue can take on Jeremy Clarkson I'm sure they can do you in a duvet, oh and rug, and vest.....

Far Side of Fifty said...

There is no sexyness left when you want to be warm, I often leave the house looking like a polar bear..perhaps you should wear a sleeping bag also! :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Anne L - glad you liked the total toss, as it were... more of that where this one came from!
jane - son's school socks is really quite de rigueur, so I am told.. so good to see you back on these pages my friend!
CJ - now that is what I like to hear.. arent people MAD when they dress so trendily and are so COLD.
Suburbia - bet she does... mind you if she wore 4 duvets she would still look wonderful. Grrrr.
RTBC123 - hello and welcome!! isnt this blogging lark good fun! Jeremy Clarkson?? They made him Look Good? wow. New awe for those girls. :)
Far side of fifty - now THAT'S what I forgot to wear! Will put one on immediately.

Cecil Cedric III said...

Just read you last two posts and you funny lady. Will read the rest in a minute after I put on another jumper, lol. Please feel free to read my blog too (I have to face facts, I crave attention, lol)

Sincerely,

Cedric Ccx