Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Tagged Out

I am Still Wading through a tag from several weeks ago... have done about 2 things. This is the third, and I think final bit. I could go on and on about 7 this and 7 that, but just can't be arsed.
So here are seven things that I just cannot do... (including Finishing Off Tag Duties)

1) Ich kanne nicht gespeaken keine language mit grossen confidenze aber ich kannen getten byen in der restaurant iff Ich haben to.

2) Cannot sew.
Have sewn object I am making to the clothes I am wearing on many occasions. Used to Have To Make Smock Dresses for the 'poor children' when at a Convent School many years ago. 'Poor' children, having to wear the Thing I scrunched together with pins and then attempted to stick together with needle and thread. My hands would sweat with the effort, and the pretty white material would turn a dank grey over the term. In the end an impatient nun would finish it. My needlework report...
'Helen works hard at her sewing but has difficulty in getting her garments completed on time.'
Never finished one. Ever.

3) Cannot read a new book without sneaking a look at the final page. Must see who, who with, what, and why before I start to read it. Absolutely cannot delay gratification.

4) Cannot have sex with the light on, as laugh at Husband Having a Serious Face. Try hard not to laugh as it Puts Him Off.

5) Cannot water ski. Am quite worried about doing this, since friend (girl) went water skiing and had a Very Nasty Experience with the water and her Bottom. Girl bottom, if you see what I mean. When she told this to small crowd of friends at smart cocktail party there was Aghast Silence. Horrified giggles. No one knew quite where to look. Certainly not down near her nether regions.
So. Not going to go water skiing. Ever.

6) Cannot help Lowering The Tone. If someone says anything with slightest Double Entendre I am off. Not just giggling like a school girl. I roar. With laughter. You can see my tonsils. I have friend living nearby who is the same. We once misheard, together, someone talking about their Heavy Box. We both thought they said Hairy Box. Beside ourselves, we were. Unable to greet our children coming out of school. Couldn't see for tears. Children thought we were ill. If anyone now mentions boxes, lunch, or otherwise, we are away.
Our children think we are Just So Childish.

7) Cannot think of anything else that I can't do. This does not mean that I can do anything. It means that I have rarely, if ever, tried to do something that I can't do.
Therefore I don't know what I can and cannot do.
So... get this, blogger friends. This is the time to try out those things. Try something new. Do something different. Be Brave. Go for it.
'Oh, I can't play the oboe.'
'Oh, I can't sail.'
'Oh, I can't tap dance.'
'Oh, I can't write a book.'
Well, here's the thing. We can. If that stroke-paralysed guy with no movement in his entire body except for his eyes can write a book, through blinking, then I think I can Bloody Well Have A Go. (fab book, by the way, 'The Diving Bell and the Butterfly' by Jean-Dominique Bauby)

There. Done it. Finally tagged out. Now really must get on.
Books to write. Languages to learn. Life to live.

Oh, one last thing...
Can you remember hot weather? Here's a quick reminder. Because the last thing I cannot do, absolutely not, is wait for next summer...
Roll on.


Vodka Mom said...


Can not stop laughing
can not keep a straight face in kindergarten
can not eat Cream of Wheat. yuck.

Anonymous said...

Great list!

I can't:
- stay calm in crowds of Stupid People!
- eat baked beans
- go on holiday to the sort of places that advertise 'a full english breakfast and every champions league match - live!' as a positive thing
- believe that staring at a computer all day is the best use of my time

But you are right - for th emost part we need to be thinking How Can I? rather than the shut-door answer I Can't.

Especially if it involved childish jokes.

Tessa said...

The Hairy Box is what really got me!

- can't sweep a floor. (Seriously - I've got broom dyslexia or summat)
- can't say 'millenniummumumum'
- can't do three cartwheels in a row anymore.

And I'm pretty sure I can't 'coyedwa'....or perhaps I can. (Your word verification)

Troy said...

We are therefore incompatible as I cannot help speaking in double entendres. It just keeps coming out when people least expect it.

Also I'm concerned that your first sentence of item 4 got moved to become the last sentence of item 3.
Perhaps husband should wear silly mask instead, or say cheese?

Mrs Troy had similar trouble when she tried waterskiing. Probably not "heavy" enough.

Kitty said...

Oh thank goodness there is someone else as crippled with Double-Entendritis as me. I can't help it. If there is the slightest chance of giving something a smutty angle, I'll do it/think it/say it/infer it. Isn't 'INNUENDO' such a fabulous word - does what it says on the can. Or box.


PS My word verification is condm. How appropriate.

Ladybird World Mother said...

vodka mom - glad you cannot stop laughing... cream of wheat??!! YYEEUURRRRCCCHHH. x
mud in the city - don't get me started on the live league champions match... almost as bad as Fresh Food Served. Or Clean Toilets. Or Delightful Beer Garden.
Tessa - glad you liked my hairy box. Never thought I would write those words. Milleniummuum? Cant say it either!
Troy - oh dear. Will have to wear extremely good incontinent pants if we are ever to meet as will probably laugh Too Much as it were.
What, exactly, was not heavy enough about Mrs Troy? SHE HAD SIMILAR PROBLEMS WHEN WATER SKIING???? Oh my god. Makes my eyes water.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, hello kitty, you've popped one as as I wrote my comment. As it were. Arf arf.
Glad you like those old innuendoes too. Great word. Cant believe your word verification!!!!

cheshire wife said...

I think that I could go on forever about the things that I cannot do but I won't. There are probably far more than seven. More like 77!

Troy said...

Did I write "heavy" - possibly meant to write "hairy"?

Mummy said...

Bwahahahahahaa! I can't stop laughing now. Thank you! Me needed that :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

cheshire wife - know that feeling... just too difficult, blah blah. But bet you can really!
troy - Ahh! Now its clear. Hairy.
Right. Um. Nice.
Mummy - Very glad! Have had quiet giggle or two myself, especially over these comments.

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

I totally understood what you said in number one and I don't speak German. At all. I did live there when I was little, though, and I think I spoke it a bit then. Or maybe you meant us to understand and I'm a total noob. lol

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Loved this post LWM - you make me laugh out loud. Loads of things I can't and won't, will never do. Ordinary things I mean, ride a bike for one. Have 65th birthday looming this year and keep wondering what I might achieve/learn to do before then. It definitely won't be anything to do with bikes.

One thing I can't do and won't do though is stop popping into blogging world.

Great fun.

A x

Catharine Withenay said...

Great list!!
I so agree with your idea to turn it around: don't focus on the negative but on the positive!
Now I'm wondering what I can do this year (NY resolutions rather passed me by ... again ...) Given I can't play the oboe, sail or tap dance, perhaps I'll just concentrate on writing. Does more blogging count?

Ladybird World Mother said...

Jen - its a mix of German, me and total and utter Bollocks. Glad you understood it!!
Strawberry Jam Anne- totally agree, blogging becomes a way of life. Such damned good fun. Will look forward to hearing what you get up to in your 65th year...go on, surprise us!
Catherine - Blogging Definitely Counts. And to hell with new year resolutions. Just have a 'I'll do something for the first time today' days here and there. does a world of good. ( I never do them but keep thinking I will!!) X

Mrs Troy said...

have you ever heard any of Terry Wogans 'Janet & John' stories that he + his team read on his breakfast show?. They are very funny, full of double entendres. They have me in fits of giggles when driving the car. I have just purchased a CD of 17 stories...very funny, particularly when talking about Mrs Frontage trimming her bush! get the gist. There is one story on You Tube, search for Terry Wogan reads Janet and John.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Mrs Troy - love them!! Friend told me about them and just had to see for myself. Or hear. Very very funny. In fact, must have another off to Youtube now... thanks for that!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Gosh! One of my New Year's Resolutions was to be more ....well I'm not going to tell you and Troy now and Mrs. Troy.....the double entendre would kill us all!!!

Ladybird World Mother said...

What a cliff hanger! You'll just have to tell us but very
q u i e t l y .