Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Ringing in My Ear

Well. Big Excitement here.
On Friday I thought to myself, am going to have a go at Getting Published. Am fed up with not doing it. So, will do it. Easy, I thought!
So... spent hours and hours looking through old posts and printing them out. Wrote a covering letter. Punchy, is what you might call it.
Why did I do all this? Because my mate Vodka Mom did.
And I like her style because she makes me Roar With Laughter.
Finally got all the bits and pieces together and prepared to send off four Big Fat Envelopes.
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can hear you all shouting.
Right. Let me explain. I tried. I really did. Almost as much as trying to get those links on the page which Troy so kindly and at length explained, and What I Still Can't Do.
Tried and Tried. Swore a bit. As you can imagine.
That was when the Big Brown Envelopes came out.
Crammed them each full with covering letter and four bits of writing.
Took them to post office. Stuck on the stamps and kissed them each good bye.
Got home this evening from Day From Hell with school taking up until 3.30, then off to take children to bloody trampolining and then Brownies and sodding Youth Club (the latter a new one. Not sure about it, as all they seemed to do was play on a Wii and have fizzy drinks.)
Anyway... got home. Oh, the relief. Phone ringing as we opened front door, so we all yelled,
'DON'T GET IT!' to Youngest, who has habit of answering phone just as I am Very Busy On The Loo, or about to take first mouthful of Delicious Sunday Lunch.
Too late. He was already on first name terms with lady at the end. I snatched it off him and spat into the receiver...
'Hello, is that Helen?'
A quiet, calm voice told me what she was ringing from Woman & Home Magazine and was very interested in doing a feature on me.
Well. Slap My Vitals.
I changed my What The Hell Do You Want voice to Hello Am Thrilled To Hear You voice.
At this point, Youngest decided to try out new Alarm Clock.
Let me explain. I have a Very Nice Friend indeed. We give each other strange presents. I gave her a yoga mat. She gave me an Alarm Clock. It is bright red, with a picture of a nun on it saying, I can feel a sin coming on... It is an old fashioned REALLY REALLY LOUD ALARM CLOCK THAT YOU COULD HEAR A SODDING MILE AWAY.
Youngest lets rip with this eighteen inches from my left ear.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. It went on. And on. Over the Unbelievable Volume I was able to communicate to Youngest that I was Not Pleased. With eyebrows waggling and Heavy Frown he soon got the message that it wasn't really a very good idea.
The other two were finding it Enormously Amusing. And Laughing. Quite Loudly Really.
After a few excrutiating seconds I had to tell the Calm Lady down the phone my predicament.
I shouted, 'My youngest child has got a very large and noisy alarm clock which he is holding very close to the phone. Would you please excuse me while I deal with it?'
'Of course,' said Calm Lady. Well, I think she said that. I couldn't hear a bloody thing.
There then followed some frantic and explosive whispering, with lots of Spit.
Youngest, looking very cheerful, left room. So did the others. I slammed the door shut after the lot of them, and came back to the phone.
Calm Lady said could I email her with details of what I do, with a picture.
Could I send it to her in the morning. Here was her email address.
I wrote it all down, still standing there in my coat.
Put phone down.
Well! Fancy That.
Am not sure whether to be pleased. Or not. A feature on me? I want to write the bloody feature, not be written about.
Still, it will be a Larf ( as my mother says).
And when the ringing in my ears has died down, I might just phone my Husband and tell him what has happened.
Exciting, really.


Diane said...

That's amazing and fantastic and amazing and cool and amazing! Yay you!! Now who's a big poo, eh?! ;)

Hadriana's Treasures said...

It's a start, LWM, and as they say...there's no such thing as bad publicity. I think that's what they say! Let us know when the feature is out and where it is so we can all read it! Hx

DJ Kirkby said...

Laughed my way through most of this post but despite that I am really ever so happy for you. Congratulations, enjoy.

Suburbia said...

Congratulations :)

Kitty said...

Gosh, how very exciting! Woman & Home you say? You must tell us which issue, and we'll all rush out and buy it. Or if it's a very short feature, we could maybe read it in W H Smith's?

Well done you!


Anonymous said...

That is so exciting (and justly deserved) Well Done!

(Youngest can see that share of your monumental book advance diminish with every alarm clock debacle.... who's laughing now?!)

Granny on the Web said...

Wow! chuffed for you... and like the others would love to read the article when it appears.
Kids eh? been there, done that, got the certificate with having 5 darlings doing similar goings at just the moment when it is vital the little devils should be angels.
Anyway, congrats and all that.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

How fantastic - congratulations from me too. I love Woman & Home so shall have to keep a look out for the "special edition". A x

Jane said...

Should we form an orderly queue for your autograph now lol ? Well done :o)

MikeH said...

Congrats! What an amazing story.

The Dotterel said...

Yeah, let us all know when it's printed. (Personally, I shall have to ensure I buy a copy of some pornography to hide the magazine in, to retain whatever vestige of stree-cred I still possess, but it'll be worth it. I want to read the feature!)

Google Mummy said...

fantastic! so excited! off to the newsagents to pre order my copy now! well done you!!

Troy said...

Wow, congratulations! I would suggest that you use a "nom de plume" rather than your real name in the feature. Something like "Troy Stalwart" perhaps?

wonderwoman said...

wow, i didn't know i would be visited by someone about to be famous!!! thanks for stopping by - i will definitely be watching this space!!!


Ladybird World Mother said...

Diane - thank you! not sure how amazing it really is... might be tiny article...tucked away in some dusty corner...but it is fun anyway!
Hadriana - exactly...any publicity has to be good...Probably out in January 2023.
DJ Kirkby - glad you had a giggle!
And thank you!
Suburbia - thanks. Hope you are OK.X
Kitty - What a good idea... read it in the shop! That is... if it ever happens... seems a bit mad really.
mud - I shall pass that on to Youngest. Consequences...have to learn early!
Granny - 5 children! Wow. You will be most familiar with the telephone thing, then. Why DO they want to make Loud Noise when that Trrrring goes?
Anne - will keep you posted although am Crammed with Doubt that anything will happen. We shall see!
Jane - oh, make it disorderly! Much more fun... I'll supply Light Refreshments. (drink)
Mike - thanks! more amazing with the alarm clock than any career move, I think.
Dotterel - Or just a very large brown paper bag. My mother once asked for a nice mag for her husband in Liverpool Street Station shop. Man offered her Playboy. She said, oh that sounds lovely. And took it home. Oops. She had no idea until she opened it in the train...
GM - !! Thank you. You are all so damned nice about it. Just hope it comes to something!
Troy - an exceedingly good idea. (One of my nick names is Troy, on account of first name being Helen!)
Wonderwoman - I just love your name!!! Middle child just asked what I was doing and I said I was writing to Wonder Woman. Her little face..... I will watch this space too.. a little anxiously I think!

claires inner world said...

Whoa! How fantastic! Let us know when it's in the magazine!

Working mum said...

Hysterical!! Are you sure you want them to do a feature on you? Just read that post again!

notSupermum said...

Wow, glad I've found your blog again. I read it ages ago but then lost the link....anyway, back again!

Hey, I subscribe to Woman and Home...well, I'm a woman and I have a...well you get the idea.

Ladybird World Mother said...

claire - thank you! will do... if it happens...
wm - oh my god you are so right. CANCEL!!!
notsupermum - am glad you found it too! and will click on your name right now and come visiting... and yup, makes sense to call a magazine such a name. or maybe Lady and Highss??

cheshire wife said...

Well done! Lets us know when the article will be published.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I am sending BT a letter today, maybe in a brown envelope, to thank them for getting their act together so that I could come here today-- this was the laugh I needed to start the day with!!

CONGRATS!!!! I can't wait to see your published product!!

Catharine Withenay said...

Oooooh!! I am so envious! Well done - look forward to seeing you in print. (On paper, rather than screen!)

Ladybird World Mother said...

CW, imbeingheldhostage, and Catharine - thanks! but you will see from next post that it is not about to happen... (glad you had a giggle, imbeingheldhostage!)XXX