Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Stopped by the Police!

Thought we'd go to the Dump last weekend.
Filled car with the following...
One used and broken Car Tyre.
A huge and very smelly rug, rolled up.
Nine old and damp Cardboard Boxes.
A large yellow Plastic Box, with cracks in it.
An ancient Lawn Mower.
Some rusty broken chicken wire.
A Snapped Off bit of tricycle.
Several plastic bags full of total Crap not worth mentioning.
12 bottles (Empty)
Our recycling box for plastic bottles (full)
Our recycling box for newspaper (full)
Three Children
Me.
Well. Crammed them all in. Did up belts round anything that moved. Husband looking disbelieving.
'Can you fit all that in?'
'Just have, darling.'
Children looking like Refugees.
Drove very slowly along the roads like Very Old Lady.
Passed a Police Car going the other way.
Laughed a lot and said,'Phew! Lucky that police car was going the other way!' and such like.
Children asking 'Why, Mummy?'
'Oh,' I said, airily, 'Policemen don't like you to have too much in your car.'
I looked in my Rear View Mirror. The car was Crammed Packed Tight with Detritus. I couldn't see a thing out of the back window, as boxes were bunched up against it. One child had to sit with face squashed against window as Smelly Rug was positioned from gear stick back past children into boot.
You will probably be thinking.' Why the Hell has she got all the children in the car?'
They like coming too, OK? It is, apparently, a Big Deal going to the Dump.
Continued to drive like Very Old Lady. Saw sort of Flashing.
Damnation and Bollocks, I thought. It's the Police.
Sure was. The same Police Car that had passed me had seen my Unbelievable Load, and come back to Harrass me.
Slowed down and stopped . He got out. I couldn't move as was wedged in by rug and a few plastic bags.
I put my window down.
He looked Astounded.
Excuse me, Madam, Where are you going?
I felt like saying, For a Drive in the Country.
But didn't.
Said,' To the Dump. Have some stuff to get rid of.'
He noted the Very Old Lawn Mower, the handle of which poked out jauntily between Son and Daughter.
'Do you realise....' And he was Off.
Yes. I do. Yes. Yes. Yes. Very, very Sorry. Indeed.
Children looking Rather Interested in the back.
He asked me why I had so much in the car.
'Well, because I have to go to the Dump.'
Wrong answer.
'Because I am Very Silly and won't do it again?'
Right Answer.
He let me off with a caution. Told me to drive Slowly. Thought to self that couldn't go much slower or would Stop Altogether.
Drove off, leaving Policeman by the side of the road.
Continued on to Dump.
Dumped.
Enormous satisfaction seeing Smelly Rug disappear into sea of Household Waste. Lugged Ancient Lawn Mower down to other end for Metal Etc. Thought of endless summer evenings when I had pushed the Bastard round the lawn, with only a 4 inch strip (honestly) being Mown. Other 16 inches was Long Fat Grass. Hurled Ancient Mower into corner.
Children awed by Huge Machine that Squashed Stuff.
Hurled, threw and chucked. Everyone else doing the same with Slightly Sheepish Looks.
Got back into Empty but still rather Smelly car. Little bits of damp cardboard strewn round the place. Wet dust.
Yeee Haaah! We all yelled, several time each.
And Zoomed Home.
Could see out of Window! Could check rear Mirror! Children could sit Upright!
Drove Extra Specially Carefully, just in case Policeman was about.
He wasn't.
They Never Are when you have nothing to be Guilty about.
And they Always Are when you have.



Post Script
No children were harmed in the telling of this Tale. Exaggeration was used to Excess.

32 comments:

Lindsay said...

I love going to the tip - a feeling of release and satisfaction. When we moved house 2 years ago I took over 40 black bags - the tip men got to know me and I exaggerated my limp so they felt sorry for me and helped!

Once, we threw away a set of golf clubs when the tip was just that, a tip. I practiced my golf swing and then let go of the clubs and watched them sailing through the air - marvellous!

Mud in the City said...

Are you now planning on wandering around the village telling that story in direct one upmanship with the old man?

Go on....

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

Love it, very funny.

My kids aren't excited by the dump, but husband is.

Your descriptions of squashed children just remind me of every time we go to IKEA and buy more stuff than we have transportation for.

I'm with Mud In The City - Think you should burst into the butchers and shout 'I got cautioned!'

Tawny said...

I love the tip too, there is something very cathartic about chucking stuff in a huge dumpster!

Granny on the Web said...

Loved this tale, even if exaggerated in excess.
I too get a lovely satisfied feeling when I have done a clear out. I have to do it when Hubby is otherwise engaged as he wouldn't let me take anything that 'may come in useful'.
I also keep a separate store in the bottom of my wardrobe of things for the charity shop, and offload them on the QT.
Love Granny (*!*)

Miranda said...

Ha! Oh I love going to the dump...although not in this part of the world! Agree with Mud about going round town trying to get one up on the old man (found what he did yet??)

Kitty said...

My youngest considers a trip to the tip/dump to be an awesome day out. I have no idea why, strange child. x

Jane said...

I am just off to the tip now. With four children we very quickly fill our wheelie bin.
I wish I lived where you did - obviously the policemen have very little to do.

Jane said...

I feel very guilty saying that about policemen after we met a very helpful one (which I posted about on Saturday)!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Lindsay - How immensely satisfactory to hurl golf clubs... much better than lawn mowers!
Mud - Now that is a Really Good Idea... watch out locals. Mad woman about to enter village with Improbable Story...
Laura - OOOOh. Ikea.... went alone last time... can fit more in. Oh, and Butchers, here I come!
Tawny - Isnt there!! simply love it and have look in garage every now and then to see What I Can Take To Dump. Fun...
Granny - Oh, no, a Hoarder in the house... mine is one too. I Hate keeping things, just in case, especially when I know that 'in case' just wont happen. Cos it hasnt yet!
Miranda -Still dont know what he did...saw him as I drove through, but just couldn't find nerve to stop car and ask!
Kitty - Mine too! They Love it. Do you think they dont get out enough?
Jane - hope you had fun! (police here stopped every car going into village before Christmas at 8.30am to ask us what we had drunk the night before... er... why?... )

Joy said...

Oh that is hilarious! I'm glad it was you and NOT me, though!

Thanks for stopping by and checking out my pantry.

MrsMama said...

I happily stumbled onto your blog and have been enjoying your stories. If you are not yet published, I'm sure you will be - your writing is delightful! :)

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Could imagine it all LWM, including your reaction to being stopped. Great post.

My husband LOVES the tip, makes any excuse to go - and now we are hoping to move house is in his element. A

Ladybird World Mother said...

Joy - loved your pantry.. Am coming to see you again and take notes. Glad you enjoyed this!
MrsMama - oh, what a nice thing to say.. thank you! And I am glad the 'stumble' over here was a good one.
Anne - oh, you will have many happy trips to the dump! Get a tip too, thats enormous fun. Lindsay (see above) likes them too!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Great!
I once threw all my tools over the tip wall along with the other rubbish. I also took my girls round the sewerage works on an open day. ( I thought it very cheap as well as educational. They are both now in their thirties and still talk about it today.

Robynn's Ravings said...

OMGOSH! I'm am ROARING here - have to go shake lazy children out of bed so they can enjoy my merriment - it's all about me you know - (or experience their own, they'll LOVE this).

You put me in mind of one of my favorite British comedies (old days) "Keeping Up Appearances." You are much lovelier but I could picture Daisy and Onslo in just such a predicament and it would only get richer if Hyacinth was shoved between them.

I will reread this several times today for the healthy belly laugh we all need.

Thanks for signing up to follow. You're my first from the UK. And I can't beLIEVE you don't like the Beatles. They're nearly worshipped. I have not one Beatles tune on any device I listen to. I'll take Coldplay anyday.

Welcome! I am verbose even in comments - ridiculous.

cheshire wife said...

The only time that I can remember loading the car up like that was to go to a car boot sale and we amazingly managed to sell most of the 'rubbish'!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Grumpy old Ken - I think a trip to the sewerage works sounds a blast...I think we might go there next weekend... did you take a picnic?!
Robynn - I am so glad that you have had a giggle! And Verbose is my middle name, so absolutely no worries there! Glad you like Coldplay more than the
Beatles... how about John Mayer?
Cheshire wife - I love Car Boot Sales!! I am most impressed that you sold all that rubbish... you must have a Technique behind the Trestle Table...

Robynn's Ravings said...

Comments from the kiddos:
Son - Could get drunk on their accents and turn of phrase. (His mother does the MOST PATHETIC British accent to try and do some sorry justice to your brilliant writing.)

Daughter: They aren't as isolated in their vocabulary as Americans. They use such lovely words.

These were the reviews amid peals of laughter. We ALL love you! (And did you REALLY ask the man who took his girls to the sewerage if he took a picnic?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Janna Qualman said...

What a great telling! I felt like I was jammed right smack between you and the cracked yellow tub. ;)

Thanks so much for visiting my blog, and for your nice comments!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Love John Mayer's music - cannot abide his Hindenberg-sized ego...!

YOU are my post today over at my place. I'm sending them all over to you and I hope they come in droves.

Mean Mom said...

My mother in law loves a trip to the tip, but then peruses other people's rubbish, to see what she fancies taking back home with her! She just hasn't got the idea, at all.

Funny story, well told. Oh, always exaggerate!

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

Oh my goodness did I have a laugh reading this thanks. I am so glad we don't have dumps where I live now, they just collect it all! Thanks for stopping by, I see you're a Troy Stalwart too. Fun blog and I love your byline under your blog name - I'll be back!

BT said...

Hello, it's me, BT! Loved that tale. I always feel immensely satisfied after a trip to the tip. Sort of cleansed! I no longer have children to take sadly, but Jim and I make up for that. I have been known to take stuff away from a tip too. Great fun.

Enjoying you blog, as I should if we are so alike! Where are your 25 things?? Come on, do it!

Linda said...

I have fond memories of hitting the dump with my dad when I was a kid. Nothing like an adventure amongst the junk. Thanks for the fun read!

giddymomof6 said...

HAHAHA! OK i've just read through a few of your posts! You're hilarious! LOL! And your life seems wuite manic and similar to mine! LOL! Gotta love life! LOL

NaomiG said...

This post was awesome. :-) I loved it! Came from Robynn's earlier, didn't have a chance to leave a comment due to a kid issue around here. :-) Love your writing style!

Troy said...

I'm rather late to this posting as have been in computer-free zone for nearly three days (ouch!). I trust you arrived home with same number of children. Our tip doesn't allow small children out of the car in case one is tempted to leave them.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Robynn - you are just so damned nice! Glad the kids had fun too... and I bet your accent was Very Queen's English..
I cannot believe you have done a post for me... what if they all Hate and Despise me?? Hope not!!
Thank you so much.
JQ - You would have had the smelly rug too! Thanks for coming by... will be back to see you soon...
MM - there's always one who wants to take some new Rubbish home... I have to tie my children to the car to stop them leaping on toys just about to go in the tip. (you said I can exaggerate...!)
Brit gal Sarah - good to get it all collected and taken away... but nothing beats cramming car full, and coming back Empty! Yeh for the Troy Stalwarts!
BT - cleansed is just the word! Glad you take stuff away too... 25 things will come soon... bet you do most of them!
Linda - there you go... fond memories of Dump! I find it amazing that we all love it so much... what does it say about us humans...animals don't Throw away or De-clutter. So Thats the Difference... now I see...
giddymom - !!! You use capital letters too. HOORAY! That comment was so animated it almost took off! Love it. See you soon!
NaomiG - Thank you so much! Hope the kid issue is sorted... and see you again!
Troy - Yup. All three came back.
Computer free zone... my word. Did it hurt? Welcome back!

Neas Nuttiness said...

This was a riot! I"l glad that Robynn raved about you. I'll be back!

Tatersmama said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog -I thought I would come over and check you out.
So today, when I was going to get all kinds of necessary things accomplished befor the upcoming week? Thanks to you, I think I'll be sitting on my arse instead and reading everything you've written.
I'm off to grab a cuppa and then will settle down to throughly enjoy myself.
Oh Happy Days!

Neabear said...

Robynn sent me over here. Glad she did. Such fun to read this crazy post. Speaking of police...one time our pastor(wearing his collar) was driving somewhere and my father was with him. That is how I heard about it. Anyway, pastor missed the off ramp on the freeway. So he pulled over and started backing up (to the ramp he missed). A cop(police guy) pulled over, got out car, walked up to Pastor's window(remember he has clerical collar on) and said to Pastor "What the HELL......lo Father...." I don't know how the rest of it went, but he was probably told you are not supposed to back up on a freeway! That was years ago. We still laugh about it.