Thought we'd go to the Dump last weekend.
Filled car with the following...
One used and broken Car Tyre.
A huge and very smelly rug, rolled up.
Nine old and damp Cardboard Boxes.
A large yellow Plastic Box, with cracks in it.
An ancient Lawn Mower.
Some rusty broken chicken wire.
A Snapped Off bit of tricycle.
Several plastic bags full of total Crap not worth mentioning.
12 bottles (Empty)
Our recycling box for plastic bottles (full)
Our recycling box for newspaper (full)
Well. Crammed them all in. Did up belts round anything that moved. Husband looking disbelieving.
'Can you fit all that in?'
'Just have, darling.'
Children looking like Refugees.
Drove very slowly along the roads like Very Old Lady.
Passed a Police Car going the other way.
Laughed a lot and said,'Phew! Lucky that police car was going the other way!' and such like.
Children asking 'Why, Mummy?'
'Oh,' I said, airily, 'Policemen don't like you to have too much in your car.'
I looked in my Rear View Mirror. The car was Crammed Packed Tight with Detritus. I couldn't see a thing out of the back window, as boxes were bunched up against it. One child had to sit with face squashed against window as Smelly Rug was positioned from gear stick back past children into boot.
You will probably be thinking.' Why the Hell has she got all the children in the car?'
They like coming too, OK? It is, apparently, a Big Deal going to the Dump.
Continued to drive like Very Old Lady. Saw sort of Flashing.
Damnation and Bollocks, I thought. It's the Police.
Sure was. The same Police Car that had passed me had seen my Unbelievable Load, and come back to Harrass me.
Slowed down and stopped . He got out. I couldn't move as was wedged in by rug and a few plastic bags.
I put my window down.
He looked Astounded.
Excuse me, Madam, Where are you going?
I felt like saying, For a Drive in the Country.
Said,' To the Dump. Have some stuff to get rid of.'
He noted the Very Old Lawn Mower, the handle of which poked out jauntily between Son and Daughter.
'Do you realise....' And he was Off.
Yes. I do. Yes. Yes. Yes. Very, very Sorry. Indeed.
Children looking Rather Interested in the back.
He asked me why I had so much in the car.
'Well, because I have to go to the Dump.'
'Because I am Very Silly and won't do it again?'
He let me off with a caution. Told me to drive Slowly. Thought to self that couldn't go much slower or would Stop Altogether.
Drove off, leaving Policeman by the side of the road.
Continued on to Dump.
Enormous satisfaction seeing Smelly Rug disappear into sea of Household Waste. Lugged Ancient Lawn Mower down to other end for Metal Etc. Thought of endless summer evenings when I had pushed the Bastard round the lawn, with only a 4 inch strip (honestly) being Mown. Other 16 inches was Long Fat Grass. Hurled Ancient Mower into corner.
Children awed by Huge Machine that Squashed Stuff.
Hurled, threw and chucked. Everyone else doing the same with Slightly Sheepish Looks.
Got back into Empty but still rather Smelly car. Little bits of damp cardboard strewn round the place. Wet dust.
Yeee Haaah! We all yelled, several time each.
And Zoomed Home.
Could see out of Window! Could check rear Mirror! Children could sit Upright!
Drove Extra Specially Carefully, just in case Policeman was about.
They Never Are when you have nothing to be Guilty about.
And they Always Are when you have.
No children were harmed in the telling of this Tale. Exaggeration was used to Excess.