Sunday, 18 January 2009

The Queen Doesn't Have To Do This

I went out a couple of days ago, to meet a friend for coffee. She is quite a Scary Friend and I don't see her that often precisely because she is so Scary.
She is a Stickler for Time. And I am not.
We had arranged to meet in a nearby village Tea Shop at 10.00am.
At precisely 9.47 I collected my bag, got my keys and made my way to the front door.
Sniff.... sniff, sniff.
Damn.
Someone hadn't flushed the downstairs loo.
I put my bag and keys down and went in to the loo, to flush away the evidence.
And saw, there in the bowl, the biggest Poo you have ever seen.
For a moment or two I just stared at it, spellbound. How on Earth did that Thing get out? It Was Vast.
Well, needs must and all that, so I flushed. And waited.
Yup.
Stuck. Good and proper.
Waited a little longer for the cistern to fill. Flushed again.
Stuck. Still.
Bollocks.
Or. What a load of Crap.
Off I went to get The Bucket. The one we use in Emergencies.
Filled it to brimming with cold water.
Hurled this with some considerable force down the pan.
Stuck.
Re-filled bucket.
Hurled.
Waited.
Stuck.
Could Not Believe It.
Re-filled bucket for the third time. Went to find Red Bucket used in Really Bad Emergencies. Filled that too.
Got white bucket. Positioned Red Bucket. Hurled both down with milliseconds between hurling, as it were.
Water came worryingly high. Watched with bated breath...
SUCCESS!
Filled bucket one more time. Poured it down while piling in the Toilet Duck for good measure.
There....
Clean, sparkling loo once more.
Closed lid, and door and went to pick up bag and keys.
Christ. Its 10.00.
Horror struck. Late.
Drove like mad woman the three miles to village and tea place. Parked the car and ran like a stag to Tea Shop.
Scary friend sitting at window table looking Cross.
Went in, full of apologies. Then stopped short. This Is Not The Friend you can tell all about Huge Turd.
'What kept you?' she asked, pulling her lips into a smile.
And do you know, I couldn't be bothered to dress this one up into a lie.
'I had to get rid of a poo the size of a small submarine,' I told her.
'Where was the poo?' she asked, incredulous.
At this point we both looked at each other. I pictured a poo somewhere on the road between me and the village, so big I had to move it.
God knows what she pictured.
We both burst out laughing at the same time.
'Does it bloody matter Where It Was?' I asked between shouts of laughter.
'No!' she splurted between shouts of laughter.
Talk about Breaking the Ice.
She's rather a good friend now.

35 comments:

Troy said...

Reminds me of graffiti (sp?) I once saw in a public toilet....

"I've just produced a 12" turd, is this a record"

"If it is you can't play it on my record player"

(verification - poomer [I kid you not])

Suburbia said...

Nothing better than a good poo story between friends!

notSupermum said...

I like the fact that you keep different sized buckets for varying degrees of emergency (or sizes of poo). Excellent planning LWM.

Diane said...

Do you ever read David Sedaris? He's got a brilliant essay in his book 'Me Talk Pretty One Day' about that very subject. It had me crying so hard with laughter, I couldn't even finish reading 'til I'd calmed down and wiped my eyes. The essay is called, 'Big Boy', I believe, should you ever want to look for it.

Vodka Mom said...

OMG Iove that story!!! I found a "gift" once in the toilet from The Golden Boy and couldn't BELIEVE it came out of his ass.

I'm still amazed.

Mrs Troy said...

Mr Troy refuses to let Troy Junior (or anyone else) do poos in our downstair toilet in case we have a visitor. So last week TJ did a poo in my own bathroom toilet, flushed the chain and it wouldn't go. Flushed again - jammed upright. Pushed it with loo brush, flushed again - still jammed. Forced loo brush down the loo, decapitating the big poo. Flushed, all gone....except the smell. Pressed airfresher, smell remained, pressed for longer, smell gone! TJ very happy and amused. Job done!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

You've done it again LWM - had me laughing out loud and it's only 5.40 am! A x

Lindsay said...

My favourite weapon for this kind of crisis is an unbent wire coathanger!

Mummy said...

What a fantastic blog! Thank you for the giggles and I'm glad your friend is no longer scary!

Junosmom said...

That's hilarious. Sounds like something I'd do except that had I poured all that water, likely it would have stopped completely up, overflowed all over the floor and required mopping. Such is my luck. Greetings from Kentucky.

Exmoorjane said...

That is hilarious, absolutely hilarious.
We had one of those once - and damned alarming it was too....the mind boggles, it really does.

claires inner world said...

I know the Queen doens't have to do this, but look what hilarity she's missing out on?!

Her loss, I'd say!

Elaine said...

How to convert scary friend to non-scary friend: marvellous!

A friend of mine told me a top tip - use a kettle of boiling water rather than cold water (hate to think why this works! making poo stock, mmmmm....)

Have used this technique successfully ever since, changing my life in a small but significant way.

Mud in the City said...

I will have to use that as my excuse the next time I'm late for an appointment!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Troy - !!! love the comment. And as for the word verification... poomer. Love it! THAT was what was down our pan, a giant Poomer.
suburbia - I reckon that when you can get down to the poo level and have a good natter about it, you know you are Real Good Friends!
notsupermum - Thanks! Have to plan for such things in my house. Taught to me by my Husband. Apparently he used this method as child!
Diane no, havent read him but will, as anyone who makes me laugh that hard has my undivided attention. Big Boy, here we come!
VM - was it Gold too? do you know, I had my first poo dream as a result of writing that post... yyyeeuurrch.
Mrs Troy - !!! We have same rule!! Lol when I read your comment...have done the very same thing. Damned handy things, those loo brushes. I insist that you try the bucket method too. Its most satisfactory.
Anne - 5.40?????!!! Wow, I dont think I could pull a smile at that time of day. Glad you had a giggle!x
Lindsay - agree totally. Another most satisfactory one, until you have Finished Using It. Then What??!!Have small selection of wire hangers, undone, in our shed. Rather reluctant to go near them though...
Mummy - Thank you!! Am glad friend is no longer scary too... amazing what lavatorial humour will do. Perhaps they should use it for International Relations... have everyone howling with laughter about floating poos....
Junosmom - greetings!! Lovely to see you...
Not good, is it, when there is Flooding... and mops are required... luckily not this time...
Jane - Good to see you...have missed you! Glad you enjoyed the Poo Saga. Hope you are back to blogging again...XXXX
claire - you are so right, didnt think of it that way at all! I imagine she never has to do anything silly. Absolutely her loss...!
Elaine - omg what a hot tip. Will use it for the next Large One. And let you know...!
mud - go on, dare you! with perfectly straight face. And lots of detail...

Crystal Jigsaw said...

With a good friend you can talk about anything!

CJ xx

imbeingheldhostage said...

That's so funny and disgusting all at the same time. I'll have to keep that in mind this week for the things I show up late to :-)

Google Mummy said...

Am sat her with Google Grannie and we both can't stop laughing! Hilarious! Best post ever!

ps - you have to tell me where the beach is where you're blog picture is taken. My (late) New Year's resolution is to take the Google Family there.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Talking about poo usually breaks the ice. I try to do it on occasion when all else fails, or just to be silly. I have the sense of humor of a 5 year old.

Granny on the Web said...

Great Blog. A real 'ice-breaker'. I must try it sometime... (tho perhaps not at church)
or maybe... Yes!

Catharine Withenay said...

Laughed and laughed.
Had to show it to hubbie.
He laughed so much he nearly spilt his coffee over my computer.
Trying not to laugh any more...

cheshire wife said...

The Queen does not know what she is missing. It is amazing how the most basic things in life can be so funny.

Ladybird World Mother said...

CJ - sure can! Thank god... how awful not to be able to mention those damned piles!
imbeingheldhostage - ! Dare you to! Best to blame lateness on 'writing commitments'. Lot of scope there...
GM - Oh, am so glad you have had a good giggle! Beach is Nerja in Spain... not that pretty a place but we found this nice bit at one end. I loved 'just sitting'...
The finely tuned woman - am so with you with maturity level. Am about 5 too... can occasionally rise to about 12.
Granny - Oh, I dont see why not! But might get a few 'odd' looks!
Catharine - !!! oh dear. am very sorry about your computer! Glad it raised a giggle...x
CW - so agree... apparently the Royal Family do have a very basic sense of humour, and make up for not being able to act funny with base jokes... would love to be fly on the wall and all that...!

Kitty said...

Did you find out whodunnit? Presumably you have no butler, so it can't have been him?!

x

Far Side of Fifty said...

This one cracked me up! You write so well! :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

kitty - Have no Butler!! How very dare you! (I know Exactly whodunnit... it is frequent occurrence, dammit.)
far side of fifty - thank you!!! What a lovely comment.

Boyfromoz said...

Reminds me of a delicate situation faced (nearly wrote faeced) when visiting my sister in the UK - see my Blog of 13 November 08.
Love your humour.

Ladybird World Mother said...

boyfromoz - Welcome! Have HAD to see what happened on 13th November... !!!!! Was most impressed that you could make That Word so small. Invisible, really. I think we just might share a sense of humour...

Joy said...

This is hilarious! I have to link to share with my friends!!!

Joy said...

Here ya go:
http://mamacitalujan.blogspot.com/2009/01/i-would-never-post-this.html

Robynn's Ravings said...

Laughing my rear end off in California - guess that would be appropriate under the circumstances! The body and life...so comical.

If you'd like to read about False Teeth and Pastors drop on by my place!

BT said...

I laughed out loud, I really did! Now we had a poo incident like that some time ago only our whole loo got blocked!! To cut a long story short, we had to lift up some sort of trap outside and donning the Marigolds, scoop out copious amounts of very hideously pongy poo! Yuk! We had to laugh. When all the dirty work was done, I turned to my other half and said 'We can do poo' rather proudly!

It will have been a man by the way. They do poos like that.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Joy - thank you so much!! Glad you had a giggle... oh and a link too. You are kind!
Robynn - love your pastors and false teeth and left comment there! so sweet and funny.
BT You sure can Do Poo!!! And I am sure you were right about the Man thing. Certainly wasn't me....no really, it wasn't!

Neas Nuttiness said...

As the mother of 10 I can match you poo for poop! Laughed until I cried when reading this post!!!! You have a wicked sense of humor. I can't wait to read more.

Belovedgoddess said...

Nothing like a good poo story to get tears from my eyes and strange looks from my husband who is trying to watch a musical while I am snorting with laughter.