I went out a couple of days ago, to meet a friend for coffee. She is quite a Scary Friend and I don't see her that often precisely because she is so Scary.
She is a Stickler for Time. And I am not.
We had arranged to meet in a nearby village Tea Shop at 10.00am.
At precisely 9.47 I collected my bag, got my keys and made my way to the front door.
Sniff.... sniff, sniff.
Someone hadn't flushed the downstairs loo.
I put my bag and keys down and went in to the loo, to flush away the evidence.
And saw, there in the bowl, the biggest Poo you have ever seen.
For a moment or two I just stared at it, spellbound. How on Earth did that Thing get out? It Was Vast.
Well, needs must and all that, so I flushed. And waited.
Stuck. Good and proper.
Waited a little longer for the cistern to fill. Flushed again.
Or. What a load of Crap.
Off I went to get The Bucket. The one we use in Emergencies.
Filled it to brimming with cold water.
Hurled this with some considerable force down the pan.
Could Not Believe It.
Re-filled bucket for the third time. Went to find Red Bucket used in Really Bad Emergencies. Filled that too.
Got white bucket. Positioned Red Bucket. Hurled both down with milliseconds between hurling, as it were.
Water came worryingly high. Watched with bated breath...
Filled bucket one more time. Poured it down while piling in the Toilet Duck for good measure.
Clean, sparkling loo once more.
Closed lid, and door and went to pick up bag and keys.
Christ. Its 10.00.
Horror struck. Late.
Drove like mad woman the three miles to village and tea place. Parked the car and ran like a stag to Tea Shop.
Scary friend sitting at window table looking Cross.
Went in, full of apologies. Then stopped short. This Is Not The Friend you can tell all about Huge Turd.
'What kept you?' she asked, pulling her lips into a smile.
And do you know, I couldn't be bothered to dress this one up into a lie.
'I had to get rid of a poo the size of a small submarine,' I told her.
'Where was the poo?' she asked, incredulous.
At this point we both looked at each other. I pictured a poo somewhere on the road between me and the village, so big I had to move it.
God knows what she pictured.
We both burst out laughing at the same time.
'Does it bloody matter Where It Was?' I asked between shouts of laughter.
'No!' she splurted between shouts of laughter.
Talk about Breaking the Ice.
She's rather a good friend now.