Thursday, 22 January 2009

I've Been Arrested!

Had a somewhat bizarre time in our local village yesterday. Went to get Cat Litter. Bought it and staggered to car with enormous bag of the stuff. Tried to wave nonchalently to friend but it's difficult to do when both hands are under Heavy Bag and you don't have a spare one. Hand, that is. Managed, with great deal of eyebrow lifting and smiles.
Decided to go up the street to get Kidney Beans. Does it get more exciting, I hear you ask.
Well, yes.
As I was crossing the entrance to the car park I saw a rather dapper, elderly gentleman wave madly to his elderly lady friend across the car park.
'Guess what!' he yelled, 'I've been arrested!'
His face was as proud as if he had received an OBE from Her Majesty herself.
'Go on,' shrieked back his Friend. 'How on earth did you get to do that?'
'Well...' he said.
And wouldn't you know it, a large lorry came into the car park, right between me and the Arrested Man. Couldn't hear a bloody thing.
'Damn,' I thought to myself.
Short of going round the other side of the lorry and joining in with the conversation, I couldn't really see how I could stay standing there.
And carried on up the High Street. Bought my Kidney Beans.
Walked on up to the Bank.
There was my Convict! Looking terribly pleased with himself.
Could I go up to him and ask? I thought somewhat irrationally.
Didn't need to, because Convict was starting to talk to Cashier.
'Guess what!' my friend boomed. 'I've been arrested!'
'Never,' said the Cashier, eyes agog. 'Whatever for?'
Well, I thought. Here we jolly well go!
But would you believe it, in came one of my Rather Dull Acquaintance.
'Hiiiiiii.' she said, wreathed in smiles. And launched into Long Detailed Story about her mother and the New House.
I wasn't in the least interested in her mother or the New House. Was desperately trying to listen to Convict tell his tale to Agog Cashier.
Kept hearing things like, 'Police came..... asked me about....did I have my.....'
Never heard One Key Word about what the arrest was about.
Rather Dull Acquaintance finished her story, checked her watch and was gone, with a swift wave over her shoulder.
Well. Damnation and hell. Convict had finished his tale and gone.
Looked up and down the High Street, but there was No Sign.
Thought I had better get my Fire Lighters. (my husband sometimes says, what did you do today and I say shopping and he says with a fond smile, oh that must have been fun. Right.)
As I was emerging from Robert Bunce, as it were, was delighted to see Convict, once again in Deep Conversation.
Hooray! I thought and sidled up looking as if I was reading the instructions on the Fire Lighters Very Carefully.
'Well,' he said.
(here we go, I thought!)

Quite a long silence really.

'Have you tried Slug Pellets?'

That was it then. I wasn't going to find out.
So off I went.
Hadn't got past the Post Office when I heard that now familiar roar,
I swirled round, saw that he was talking to man coming out of Post Office.
'What,' said Man, looking amused.
Before I could stop myself I told him.
'He's been arrested.'
'No!!!' Man said, guffawing. 'What on earth for?'
Stared back at him. Lost for words, really.
'Better ask him!' I said, pointing jauntily to Convict.
And scarpered.
Had Quite Bad Giggles all the way back to my car.
Never did find out why Convict Got Arrested.
But it was Most Satisfactory to assist in the story.


Diane said...

Well, damn. Now I want to know! I suggest you hoof it back to the village and go into the post office or the store and ask one of the people lucky enough to have gotten the whole story. Go on, then, off with you!

Kitty said...

Bet he was a flasher. Or a knicker nicker. x

Rachel Cotterill said...

You do realise you've now infected the whole of the blogosphere? We all want to know now...

And... if it's big enough to sell cat litter and kidney beans and firelighters, and to still have a post office, well that's not a village, it's a town!!

cheshire wife said...

And we all thought that you had been in hand cuffs in a prison cell!

Troy said...

I'm sure you'll get the gossip soon if it is your local village. You must then let us all know!

And just a minor point - shouldn't the h in hell be a capital H? Just wondered, sorry to be pedantic. We just don't want you falling down on your capitals now, DO WE?

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Oh no - that's almost as bad as saying "I know something but I'm sworn to secrecy". Except that you don't know. Oh well. Do you think you might do as Diane and Troy suggest and "get on the case" next time you go shopping? A

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

How utterly frustrating not to know what he was so proudly convicted off. The next time you see him, you must walk up to him and ask. I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Diane - I think I will have to... was there this morning and looked vaguely up and down the street... no convict. Yet.
Kitty - OOOOH. Now that would be a thing... Pervert as well as convict.
Rachel - Its a bloomin city... rather weird really, because we all call it a village and it has the Best Kept Village or whatever those things are called...but really it is a Very Small Town. Or Townette.
CW - Mmmm. Hand cuffs. Dont need prison for that...
Troy - I most certainly will... as soon as I see the bugger. And am Extremely Sorry to have Missed Out on a Capital Letter. Might even go back in and make it into One...
Anne - I am 'on the case'! Had quick peep this morning... nothing doing. We could have a Small Bet on it... winner gets Modest Prize...
FTW - I promise that I'll ask him... will have to think of loads of excuses to go to village...

Anonymous said...

I REALLY want to know now!

Or maybe YOU should get arrested this weekend and sprad the word around the village. I'd go for Drunk & Incapable [which I friend of mine managed] - much more polite than Drunk & Disorderly...

Anonymous said...

Ha...sounds like you are as curious as me....

Credit Cruncher said...

Thanks for visiting my blog.
You tell a great story. I teach creative writing so I'll relate the tale to my students. I am sure they will have lots of ideas.
Did I say I taught in a prison?

Debra (a/k/a Doris, Mimi) said...

I saw your comment on my blog, and like all good bloggers are wont to do, I came over to your house to say "thanks" for visiting. I've spent the last 30 minutes (at work) reading your posts and having the time of my life! I mean I was seriously laughing all to myself while co-workers walked by my office wondering what glue I've been sniffing. You are hilariously funny! Love the big poo the size of a submarine, and the poor pigeon, and the convict. You're a hoot! I'll return for more visits.

wonderwoman said...

damn, am now going to wonder and try to imagine what the hec he did! the mind boggles!


Anonymous said...

Just reading what Kitty said, did he have a mac on by any chance?

CJ xx

Ladybird World Mother said...

Mud - I just LOVE drunk and incapable! Never, ever am. Always Sober and Capable.
EMJ - horribly curious, about things I have absolutely nothing to do with... fun though!
CC - in a prison??! Wow.. that is different. Would love to hear more about it. Do you blog about that too? ( or am I having a leg being pulled?!)
Debra - Thank you!! Glad to have made 30 minutes pass so madly... it is fun to read through blogs. I can waste hours and hours...
ww - my mind has boggled away since I saw him. will definitely ask him if I see him to stop all this boggling...
CJ - !!! No, just a rather smart coat. Very Odd!

Elizabeth said...

Amusing post!
Thanks for visiting the Marrakesh blog.
It is truly an amazing city with many and delights and some irritating things - pretty much like anywhere.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

I was going to leave an extremely rude comment...because if you say that title quickly turns into something else. If you say it quickly in a country yokel accent. Maybe he was boasting of Something Completely Different? (And no I have not been drinking!) ;)

DJ Kirkby said...

Hah, you make me laugh! But I insist you go up to that old man next tiem and ask why he was arrested, I NEED to know now.

Junosmom said...

cute story. Go back and ask the store clerk!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Elizabeth - thanks for coming by... am looking forward to reading more about Marrakesh... am determined to get there one day.
Ok, Hadriana, my family now think I have gone completely batty... have been sitting here saying Oi've been arrested, over and over again with Yokel accent... to get the Other Meaning... (has it got breasts in it?!) Will have to try it again later when in bath. Then Husband will think I am mad...
DJK - keep thinking of you today with your book launch and hope it goes Brilliantly...wish I could come but it is My Night Of Hell. (mondays are pooey, quite frankly) But you have fun!xxx
Junosmom - Brilliant!! Will do just that and report back if there is any news or developments...

Robynn's Ravings said...

You are my new medicine for the day! Oh THANK you for your writing. I LOVE to laugh and you have not disappointed.

BT said...

You are a star indeed. But how annoying. I'm annoyed and I wasn't even there. But I might have been as for the past 3 days I've been in Worthing! You must live somewhere near us if you go to Bunces. (Posh shop, very expensive place to buy firelighters. Try Wilkos, much cheaper).

Ladybird World Mother said...

Robynn - thank you!! so glad you have had a good belly laugh. We need those each day!
BT - You've been in Worthing! Not that far off at all. The village I was writing about hasnt got a Wilkos... (I go to Wilkos to get All Sorts of Things. Should get fire lighters next time. Thanks for that!)