Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Ten Green Bottles

Tiny Question.
Why do Recycling Bottle Depots have Very Small Holes to put Said Bottles and Tins through?
Wouldn't you think that it might be a Tad Easier to put said bottles through Large Hole? As it were? Fitting more in at time?
Or is there a Higher Purpose... like making you feel Guilty about the sheer amount of bottles you might be slugging back each week? Because the noise of Shattering Glass as each bottle plunges down past Rubbery Mouth of Recycling Container fills me with mounting guilt. Even when shoving in tomato ketchup bottles.
Went this week with 31 glass bottles. Not All Alcoholic. Actually.
Plus 47 plastic milk bottles and 17 cat food cans.
Took a Very Long Time.
Lift bottle, shove through. Tinkle!
Lift, shove, Tinkle.
Lift, shove, Tinkle.
Lift, shove, Tinkle.
Lift, shove, Tinkle.
Then Cans.
Lift, shove, Pling. (or something onomatopoeic. You work it out)
And on and on...
Smiling breezily at other people, smiling breezily back at me. I have Surreptitious Look at their bottles.
Gin. Whisky. Wine. One had an Awful Lot of Beer.
Why, I thought, as the 26th bottle squeezed painfully through Very Small Hole, don't they have Very Big Holes. Then you can put lots in Very Quickly. And a Little Bit Lower Down would be nice. What do they think we are? Seven Feet?
Calculated while Heaving Bottles through Small Holes, that will be lifting arm ninety five times. About 5 seconds for each bottle. Equals 475 seconds. Equals 7.9166 minutes. Equals Waste of Time.
Then badly wanted Anal Wipes (like this) to wipe Hands clean of Old Booze Aroma, stale milk, and Old Cat Food.
And then would Much Appreciate a Bin-like Receptacle for remaining reeking cardboard boxes and plastic bags, as every single person on emptying their Cardboard Box or Bag has looked automatically for Bin. Which is Never There. Because it's on the other side of the Car Park/Recycling Depot/Town/County.
How about we could do this differently?
Design a Recycling Bottle Container?
My Recycling Depot Utopia would be...
You get to put your bottles on top of Helta Skelta and watch all 31 bottles whizz down and land with a Satisfying Crunch at the bottom. There. Done. They all disappear into big black hole.
Milk bottles and Cat Food Cans are despatched in Similar Fashion, only they are assisted by jets of water.
Great, eh?
Won't Ever Happen, though. Will it?
It's Huge Stinky Containers with holes the size of a Chicken's Arse for us.
Good luck next time you go.
Just remember your Anal Wipes.


Neas Nuttiness said...

The worst part is having to load them in the car, and drive to the recycling "bins". I got spoiled when we lived in Florida. Once a week... drag filled bin(s) to curb. Lovely!

Anonymous said...

They are a bit like a chicken's arse aren't they? Although I seem to remember the crashing glass to be rather carthartic.

Here in the Big Smoke we have giant orange bags to put it all in. And thank goodness as with no car and a moderate drinking habit I'd never make it to the recycling bins!

cheshire wife said...

Even out in the Cheshire sticks we have our cans and bottles collected. We also have paper, plastic and garden rubbish collected. Haven't had to go to the recycling bank for ages.

Pam said...

I've never seen the size of a chicken's arse but I'm going to take a look next time I see one. Not surprisingly, in America we have HUGE holes. he he he

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

We have a bottle and can bin. It's great, although slightly embarrassing to hear all the smashing when the bin men come along.

Gosh, don't we use a lot of jam ... ahem.

Tatersmama said...

We have fortnightly recycle bins that I dutifully drag to the curb every fortnight. Or month, depending on my drinking ermmm... jam eating habits.
Plus, once a month some lovely man and woman come and jet-clean my bins, sprinkle sweet smelling stuff in them and put them back by the gate. Not out of the goodness of their hearts however. I pay 'em a tenner.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Can I just say very quietly... that we also have recycling bins every week... but only Plastic Bottles and Tins. the bastards make us take our real glass boozy bottles to the dump... how arsey is that.
NN - Florida, here I come! Worth it just for that I reckon. Oh, and the weather...
Mud - You Are Very Lucky. I want to have Giant Orange Bags. I think we need to move back to Fulham...
CW - Say No More. You are also Very Lucky Girl. Gosh, not only must I move to Florida and Fulham, but also to Cheshire. Will be very busy.
Pam - no showing off about hole size here, thank you very much. (Really???? Big Holes???) :)
Laura - mmm, thats hard... at least I can use heavy make up and disguise when going to the dump. Or maybe you do when the bin men come?!
Tatersmama -Jet clean your bins? Wha?! Am struck dumb with jealousy. Even for a tenner. Oh dear, I really need to get out more....

Elaine said...

I like Wendy Cope's poem on this, which sums up my well intentioned dottiness when posting bottles through that rubbery orifice.

Your post reminded me of her 'Tinkle, tinkle, crash'!

'A Green Song to sing at the bottlebank

One green bottle,
Drop it in the bank.
Ten green bottles,
What a lot we drank.
Heaps of bottles
And yesterday's a blank
But we'll save the planet,
Tinkle, tinkle,clank!

We've got bottles -
Nice, percussive trash.
Bags of bottles
Cleaned us out of cash.
Empty bottles,
We love to hear them smash
And we'll save the planet,
Tinkle, tinkle, crash!'

Although we have collection of everything except plastics now, and must say that posting milk bottles is no fun at all. Bring on the helter skelter.

Mary T said...

We have a bin in the back yard for all our empties, I always feel really embarrassed when I put our bottles in, ahem...each morning, I'm sure the neighbours can hear the glass clink!

Mum Gone Mad said...

Hiya thanks so much for the visit, and yep the teachers at my sons school have a lot of answering to do.. and they will be doing it I can assure you. Just off to nosey around your blog :)

Catharine Withenay said...

I love the Helter Skelter idea!

And talking of how dull my recycling seems compared to others, I walked past a house on the way to school the other day with what seemed like hundreds of champagne bottles in the recycling box. Just a little peeved that I hadn't been invited ...

Liz said...

Lifting your arm up-and-down all those times probably counts as a workout - cheaper than going to the gym!

I live in an area where most of the recyclable material is collected by the council once a fortnight. The only thing they don't collect is glass, so an occassional visit to the recycle point at my local supermarket is necessary. I agree about the holes being too high up. My other peeves are that the bins are often rather full and there is sometimes broken glass surrounding them.

My Little Brown Book said...

It's a conspiracy to stop us drinking.

It's also the reason I now drink the majority of my wine from a box.


Ladybird World Mother said...

Elaine - I LOVE Wendy Cope! That is such a brilliant poem... thanks for writing it down... will print it out and put it on my wall!
Mary T - I know... that tell tale clink is a pain in the proverbials! Perhaps you could put some cushions in the bottom?!
Mum Gone Mad - hope you enjoyed the read! And hope too that you feel more settled about the teachers... and that there has been some sort of resolution for you..
CW - now that is just showing off... putting loads of champagne bottles out, surely?! And how very dare they not invite you... mannners.
Liz - same here... everything but the bottles... and sometimes I forget and have to take the lot to the dump... like in my post!
MLBB - Now, that is the answer... always drink out of a box! Do you think they might sell champagne in a box??? :)

Robynn's Ravings said...

I am spoiled! They pick all mine up at the curb. And the needy come and collect the good stuff overnight. Like leaving gleanings for the hungry in the old time fields of harvest.

And no anal wipes to deal with or tiny chicken arses, as it were. Which, it would seem, you might need for both issues!


I'll think of you next time me and the girls are shoving them into the impossibly small (and already full) holes while trying not to have stinky beer dregs and red wine trickling backwards down raised arm and onto suede shoes...I think a helter skelter would be splendid!

Anonymous said...

My bloke has just come up and asked me what I am guffawing about (I was making quite a noise, and possibly snorting at the same time). Have just explained what you have written about bottle banks and why they have small holes i.e TO MAKE YOU FEEL AS GUILTY AS HELL ABOUT YOUR WEEKLY CONSUMPTION. Bloke says, "spot on, spot on". Have 40+ sitting in a plastic container at mine at the mo, because I am too ashamed to take them to the bottle bank - though I should add that some of those are left over from Christmas...honestly. Thanks for sharing. TTx