Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Liar Liar Pants on Fi-ar

Would you say that Parents are Liars?
Big Porky Pie Liars?
Or is it just Me?
Oh, yes, I always help my children clean their teeth, I say, blithely, to the visiting Hygienist to our pre-school.
No, I don't.
Yes, I think a varied and healthy diet is essential. I never give my children Crap.
Yes, I do.
No, I never feel murderously angry with my children.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I change the beds each week.
No, I don't.
No, I never wish my children lived abroad.
Yes, I do.
I hoover our house at least once a week.
No, I don't.
Come on, you lot, I say cheerfully to my brood as we walk across the road to school.
No one knows that I just yelled Fucking Bloody Bollocks to them all and threw one of their shoes at the cat. I look like a perfect mother, really. Everyone smiles at me and says good morning. I return the greeting and smile widely at them all.
I kiss my children. See them into the door. Chat to the other mothers. Cringe when I think that my four year old will probably go into school and say Fucking Bloody Bollocks to the teacher when he can't find his shoes.
No, I never swear in front of my children.
Yes, I do.
I try to be cheerful at all times.
I find a calm nature works best with my children.
Total Toss.

Each morning I get up and it's a New Day.
I really do try to be a good mother. My children love me and I love them.
Most of the time it's OK. Sometimes it's lovely.
Occasionally it's a load of Bollocks.
But finally, after many years of mothering I have come to the conclusion that I am doing a good job. The children might be subjected to a bit of yelling on occasion and a smattering of quite rude words when a Tad Stressed. They are used to a mother in tears when watching a TV programme. They have become accustomed to a Brief but Volatile Session when mother is driving and there is a Pillock at Loose. They have seen me lie through my teeth when the vicar asks have I remembered the fairy cakes on Sunday. (But Mummy... they start. And Stop. Bless Their Little Hearts) (We then Buy Cakes in mad rush)
They have this strange and intimate knowledge of me... and in that knowledge there is this sense that I am OK and that I will keep them safe, even though I might be a Tad Narky at times.
Quite frankly, Thank God For That.
Wouldn't it be awful if they got all Judgemental and Huffy.
Wanted to live somewhere else. Loathed us all.

Oh, Silly Me.
That's what teenagers do!


Elaine said...


is this why you have changed yr blog title, since "No Bollocks" would clearly be a complete misrepresentation of your lifestyle?!

oh, and great wv today - dershaga - where the football socks go after three glasses of prosecco - "under dersh Aga"? or how the Village Unfaithful Husband is referred to ditto, as "der Shaga"?

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

Hilarious - especially the bit about smiling widely after fucking bloody bollocks - I can so identify with that one!

My pants are well and truly ablaze.

Granny on the Web said...

Sometime ago in the distant past, I am sure I was like this. Have you been reading my 1970's diaries?

Love Granny

Boz said...

That's brilliant!

At least you're not using management-speak on them; there's no I in Family... except there is, of course.

Donn Coppens said...

I admire your f*cking honesty.

As a father of four I understand how important it is to set the bar high..particularily with regards to acceptable language.

The other week I overheard my 7 year old Son tell my 23 year old Daughter that he had heard Dad say the F word...and he told her about 5 times so that he could say it out loud..little bugger.

Not to worry. We all dread "that call" from the school. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Catharine Withenay said...

Oh, how I love to hear such honesty! It is so refreshing and makes me feel I am not quite the awful mum I usually think I am (after parents' evening yesterday I've had quite a self-loathing fest). I really am not the only mother to shout at her kids - hooray!

But don't tell their teachers. Or the smiley lollipop lady. And definitely not the vicar: I have a reputation to keep, you know...

trashalou said...

If you substitue the 'shoe' and 'cat' part for 'old dog who insists on putting his arthritic paws under my feet' then I would feel you had cctv in my life!

Neas Nuttiness said...

Okay - I'm laughing so hard, I'm about to wet my pants.

Corey Schwartz said...

Oh, I can identify with every one on the list! And my three year old has been known to use the f word on occasion :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Elaine - this is a very true observation! No bollocks is clearly a total lie!
Laura - Hope you have a hose handy for those pants of those... and glad you can identify!
Granny - Yup! Plagiarised the lot. Hope you dont mind!
Boz - management speak...now there's a thing... can I still say bollocks?
DC!!! You seem to have as many as I do! (children, I mean, not use of swear words... no one has as many as me) What new words will your seven year old learn this week I wonder!
CW - wont tell anyone, honestly! ( I think all mothers who say they dont shout at their children are on a very heavy drug habit...)
trashalou - cctv...what wouldnt I give for some of that.. I so know that dog under feet moment. Have it here with 2 cats. Drive me mad.
NN - well, the fire in them will dry you out soon! (As in pants on fire...) Glad you had a chuckle!

Ladybird World Mother said...

CS - you crept up on me while I was commenting hard on the previous 8! You do all the list?! Hooray!!! Will you be my friend?! Oh, and glad 3 year old has similar habit to my 4 year old. Am teaching him to be Appropriate with his Wording at the moment... this could take some time...

the mother of this lot said...

It all sounds pretty normal to me...

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

You mean we're supposed to give them vegetables...and clean their beds...?!

Kitty said...

Surely, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them how to live as ourselves - no matter how flawed our character. OK, it wouldn't be good to show them how to steal, pillage or be violent, but as things go, I'm sure you're doing a grand job. x

Working mum said...

He he he! Good one! No, I never lie in her reading record either - "Daughter was word perfect and enjoyed reading this book"!

Dave said...

My friend Vicus feels I should point out to you, as a man of the cloth myself, that lying to a vicar will ensure you will burn in hell for all eternity.

I, of course, wouldn't dream of saying any such thing.

Tatersmama said...

Have I told you before, that I love you?
Not in a stalker-ish type of way, but more along the lines that I can identify with you totally and completely. You are ME, if I was funnier and nicer and much much younger. Well, a lot of things actually.

My kids turned out to be great adults in spite of the occasional (okay so maybe not really occasional) bad word. And do they like bad words now? Oh my...NO!
So maybe there's hope for the next generation. ;-)

I need to go change my pants now.
You have that effect on me

Suzanne said...

Am so glad it's not just me who swears in front of offspring. For years I've felt like a total failure because NOBODY else will admit to doing the same.

Thanks for the honesty and for the bloody good laugh.

Vicus Scurra said...

I feel I owe you an apology, as I have encouraged sundry riff raff to visit you and leave absurd comments. Including me.
My counsel would be to treat them as four year olds, especially Dave, who may also need you to say "Fucking Bloody Bollocks" from time to time, as a remedy to his Wesleyan proclivities.
Thank you.

Robynn's Ravings said...

ROFL!! You are an HONEST WOMAN!!! And I am wildly suspicious of anyone who says it ISN'T like this at their house once in awhile. Things might be changed up a bit but we are all guilty of yelling fire one minute and answering the phone in the sweetest voice the next.

We're all on to each other but THANK YOU for pointing it out in a way only you can!!!!

Expat mum said...

Yes they do - until you tell 'em they can pick whoever they want to live with and bugger off. Then they shut up. Now grit your teeth and think of me when I tell you - that when my little one finally goes off to FULL TIME SCHOOL in September, it will be 16.5 years that I have been in the house with a small child either all or part of the day!!!!
AAaghgh. Buggery bollocky thingies!

Troy said...

With wetting your pants laughing and with pants on fire you must get through some underwear.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Is it wrong of me to admit that this is how I treat my management team?

cheshire wife said...

Now I know where my husband learnt all those swear words but I don't think that I have ever heard my MIL swear.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Phew! NOW I can stop beating myself up about the way I raised my offspring - it's normal! (they are now in their 40's and going through the same - tee hee). That made me laugh LWM. A x

Neas Nuttiness said...

Hello Ladybird World Mother.
You don't even know that I exist, but I have you on my blogroll, and really enjoy your posts. I enjoy them so much, that I've left you an award at "my place".
I would be honored if you would come by and get it!

Anonymous said...

Oh God, you had me laughing out loud at this one - fabulous post and so very true to probably all us mothers and fathers!!

CJ xx

PurpleClover said...

Oh my...that had me in hysterics. We all do that and no one wants to admit it! But I finally found someone willing to do that! haha.

Thanks for the reminder of what being a real mother is all about!

Pam said...

Oh thank you. So it's not just me????

Ladybird World Mother said...

motherofthislot - normal? thank god for that!
Reasons to be cheerful123 - yup... AND fruit. Dammit.
Kitty - so true. I think that some mothers try so hard to be perfect, and then their children have a hard time keeping up with that perfection, when all the while we just needed to do it our way, warts and all.
WM - yes, those reading diaries are great for a little lie here and there... ;)
Dave - Dammit. Lying does that, does it? Oh, god, so will the swearing. May as well go straight there...
Tatersmama - Oh, Thank you! What a gorgeous thing to say, and I love you too! (Will go and find a nice pair of pants to send you straightaway... )
Suzanne - hooray, another normal mother!! Nice to see you!
VS - I am entirely used to sundry riff raff... no worries on my account my friend...but will say Bloody Fucking Bollocks just for the hell of it..as opposed to Fucking Bloody bollocks which conjurs up a horrible picture... actually they both do. Oh God.
Robynn - Absolutely my pleasure! Glad you're a normal one too...xx
EM - Wow.... 16.5 years. Hushed silence here. I thought I was doing well at my end... I bow down before you. Now, go and get a drink, girl. XX
Troy - severe shortage of underpants. Could try incontinence pads... just not a very good look with skinny jeans...
KM - totally wrong and totally honest so totally cool. Nice one.
CW - Bet she did, just Betcha!
Anne - how fab to watch offspring doing all that parenting thing.. you must have been about 6 when you had your babies. Wow!
CJ- Hooray! glad you are normal too...
PC - thank you! and relief that there are real mothers out there in blogland!
Pam - Nope. good, isnt it!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I love you-- is that too forward? OMgosh, trying to break my swearing habit, I've started grumbling "Mother Chicken" which I thought was very mature of me until Miss Ky started saying it. To church people. And when I smash my hand or hit my head she'll say, "Don't say mother chicken" before I've uttered a word. Yeah, do you think people haven't caught on to what mommy really says? Then today as I was looking at the neat little cardboard box houses smashed together like sardines, the feeling of thankfulness swept over me that we moved out of one. Then that feeling was replaced by shame when I remembered that the other day at the 10 pin bowling place (for son 3's birthday), a woman said, "Oh, I used to live next door to you".
So, I was relieved to know we're all liars and it's not just me. Whew!

Anonymous said...