Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Never Again

We went to the Hell that is Drive In Fast Food the other day. I finally caved in after Much Harrassment from Youngest.
Just a Few Stipulations, I said. No burgers. No fizzy drinks. Eat carrots in car on way. Eat apple on the way back. Go for walk afterwards.
Middle son was playing Basket Ball so went with Daughter and Youngest.
Pushed our way through the big door and into that familiar frying smell.
It was Heaving.
No tables free. People crammed everywhere with lots and lots and lots of children.
Quite Noisy Ones Really.
A gloomy line waiting for their turn to order.
Heart sinking we approached the counter. Someone who was twelve appeared to be in charge.
'Yep?' he asked. Wearing a paper hat. What is this, Christmas?
I gave him our order.
Children's food arrived in Box.
Do you ever give your child breakfast in a Box? Lunch? Supper? Do you go sidling up to your husband or wife and say,
'Hey darling, do you fancy a box of lunch?'
This is because Normal People eat off Plates.
However, here in MacLand, we have Boxes.
Twelve Year Old hurled in chips, nuggets, toy and some wipe thing that smelled of Toxic Citrus Mix.
Took our Boxes and go and wander round MacHell until we spy filthy table in corner with people leaving. We sit down when they go. I fuss round, getting rid of detritus and wiping down table with Ever So Handy Wipes that I keep in my bag. Anal. But useful. (Anal as in Anal Retentive... not as in Anal Use)(Oh, god, why is it that by explaining it becomes all Rather Unpleasant?)
I peer into Boxes. Nestled in the bottom are grey bags of chips, another bag with Nuggets and a bottle of Orange Juice. And the Toy.
(Nuggets? Who thought that name up? Don't they know its Childspeak for Poo?)
We all start taking things out of boxes and opening impossibly difficult bottles of juice. We have a jolly little chat about when Daughter was sick last time we came. (On floor next to place where you order.)
Youngest weeps because his toy is not the same as Daughter's. Daughter hands hers over without a word and Youngest stops crying. Tears are still on his lashes as he gazes at new toy.
I look about.
Everyone is Just Eating. Intent on their burgers or chips. Taking Enormous Bites and then chewing with huge bulging cheeks. Chew, chew, chew. Bite. Chew, chew, chew. And Staring. At Wall. Or Floor. Or inside their Burger.
No one is talking. Or chatting. Or laughing.
Quite frankly, they are all having a Shit Time. So am I.
I am interrupted in my reverie by family on next door table.
Mother has Laid the Table. Seriously. With cloth. They have neat Tupperware boxes full of carrot, apple, grapes and oranges. Father is trying to persuade Son, aged 2,to have some Organic Yoghurt. Mother and Father are stuffing their faces with burgers, chips, fizzy drinks and MacFatBastardIceCream.
Have to stare as am Staggered by the Scene.
Youngest looked over at them too. Mouth full of chips.
Can I have one of their grapes? he asked.
Why? I asked.
Don't really want this, he said. It's a bit boring and a bit yucky.
This is from the boy who has pleaded and pleaded with his Mother to go to 'Donalds.
No, you can't. Eat your nuggets, I say, in MacMother Mode.
Can I have his? asks Daughter. And can we come back here tomorrow?
And this from the daughter who didn't want to come because it made her sick. Literally.
No, we can't, I say. Eat your chips.

Eat at home.
Off Plates.


Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

Oh god it's MacHideous! We only go to that place when we need a wee ... they have good hand dryers (with blue light and everything).

The last time husband bought stepdaughter a MacCrap Box I tried a nugget. I would have found more taste in a carpet tile I tell you.

I must say though I have been known to swallow a burger whole from there during a particularly bad hangover.

Neas Nuttiness said...

This my dear woman - is why I bestowed upon you the AWARD!

But alas, MacArches may still be on the menu for me now and then.

My verification word today is: auter

Like maybe I auter not go to MickeyD's, but just can't stop myself!

Granny on the Web said...

The last time I suffered a visit to Macs was when my two granddaughters managed to somehow wear me down to the point I gave in. As I later stomped out of the place, temper tantrum in full flow I made then vow to never ever eat that muck again. I actually went as far as looking up something detrimental about fast food on the web, printed it out and sent it to them complete with photos. To my knowledge they have never gone there again!

my verification word is: germol. figure out any connection you like.

Love Granny

Robynn's Ravings said...

I always think Prions and Mad Cow whenever I think fast food beef. It gives me the shivers. Does that mean we never go? I have children. Enough said. But I do try to avoid McGaggits like the plague.

And the people next to you with the table cloth? Lovely touch but what's with shoveling in front of the kids? Fascinating.

confused said...

hey first comment on your blog! excellent post very funny and alarmingly true for every mcrap outlet accross the country! :-)

Catharine Withenay said...

Just why do kids love this crap food?

Why do fussy eaters never get fussy such that they only eat peas, orange juice and lettuce? Fussiness is for white bread, chips and chocolate.

Why does fast food seem to be the easy option, but the 'quality family time' turns out tense and strained, and inflicts eternal guilt on the mother who doesn't provide 'proper' food for her offspring?

[Clearly you've hit a sore spot!!]

Anonymous said...

MacGrim! Ugh. Homemade burgers taste delish but greasy, grey, cloth tiles are foul!

At least your youngest has taste...

Tessa said...

Hehehe - the only time I've ever been to a Mackie D was in the depths of the French countryside. Nothing else was open. Starvation made us do it. The flys..er...fries where quite crispy.

Exmoorjane said...

Macbloodywonderful! Fabulous post. Don't you love the way we curl our lips and wince when we go in (like you, I hasten to add, VERY occasionally)... I sip a coffee in a superior way. Mind you, my son too seems to have gone off the burger experience. halleluyah. They put drugs in those burgers, you know......

Tessa said...

WHERE quite crispy? Gosh, the experience has obviously had a long term effect.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Well at least you know it's no better than it's ever been and hopefully won't have to return for another year. My girls like it but my boy hates the place and the one and only time we went he was so loudly critical and sanctimonious about it the girls are too embarrassed to go back with him. Result!

Tatersmama said...

We bring ours home and eat it off plates, but please don't tell anyone. *blushing*

When my children were young, they would have a Happy Meal, promptly vomit and then sleep for 12 hours straight. It was a cheap sedative, but thanks to Happy Meals, my husband and I had a sex life.

geraldgee said...

Wonder if they wash up the boxes and use them again?

Elaine said...

yurrkkkk! couldn't agree more.

My husband rang me up the other day and asked if it was all right to take the children to 'The Bad Place'...had to think quite hard before I understood what he meant.

It was Family Emergency, but still not worth it.

Corey Schwartz said...

Love the stipulations! I'll have to keep those in mind next time we have rubbish for dinner :)

bernthis said...

sounds like America right there and exactly why so many of these people are obese. Talk about hypocrisy. Those parents should be ashamed but of course they are not b/c they wouldn't have done what they did had they had any

Ladybird World Mother said...

Laura - now that is a good idea...just go for the hand dryers!! Love it...
NN - I know, I know, we all sneak in there from time to time.. I wont tell, honestly!
Granny - oh dear, that sounds like a bad time indeed... problem is I have always had a bad time in the place but seem to be led back in when backed up against a wall... never again though. Never again.
Robynn -McGaggits!!! Love it. Will now use that... chuckle...X
Confused - oh and now Mcrap! This gets better and better. Thanks for coming by!
CW - agree with every single little word... sore points or what! Damned fussy eaters... the white bread brigade... (very quietly, we have white bread but only as treat, is that ok?)
mud - McGrim - Brilliant! honestly, I am picking up such great names for this awful place..so glad I did this post!
Tessa - wow, Macland in France. Cant quite equate that one.. Nuggettes perhaps? Should try it out one day... ?!
Jane - I get that superior feeling too! Might spot you there one day and we can be superior together...
RTBC123 I need a sanctimonious member of the family! Please can I borrow your son? Please?!
Tatersmama-!!!! spat out my tea thanks to your sex life, if you see what I mean...
GG - aha... that would explain texture...
Elaine - The Bad Place!!! We should ring up Marketing and put it to them... MacD's might love it!
CS - !! Works, though! I feel better because I know they wont eat Total Crap and they feel better because they get to go to MacHell. Only they always say afterwards, I dont like MacHelll, Mummy. Great,eh?!
bernthis - at least they werent feeding their poor little thing on MacRubbish! Weird sight though...

Malc said...

McDonald's have sued folk for publishing such views on the internet. The fact that it's absolutely true doesn't seem to bother them.

Hats off to you and should the giant, soulless corporation try to ruin your life in the courts you can count on my support.

Word verification: dining

Malc said...

Word verification: ovened

Someone's taking the Mickey.

The Dotterel said...

Yup, leMac in France. And seeing it full is one of the most depressing sites I think I've ever seen. Mind you, they do serves beer. (And, like Tessa, it was the only thing open at the time.)

Mummy said...

Oh McDear......we don't go very often at all although I must admit to liking their MacFatBastard Ice creams! lol

Pam said...

Excellent post!
I have to admit to taking my son twice in the last 12 months but I hate it too.
Our state fair is worse. This year they had "deep-fried garlic mashed potatoes on a stick". I'm not kidding.

Troy said...

We sat at our table for hours and the waitress never came to serve us!
We probably go in about once a month and I actually quite like the salty fries and a quarter pounder with cheese or the fish fillet.
Not recommended though for the first date!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Malc - right. Am bit nervous now. Will quietly change meaning of post. Entirely. Oh, and loved your word verifications!
Dotterel - beer? Well that changes the whole thing... is it really called Lemac??!!
Mummy - yup, quietly like the fatbastard icecreams too... bit of a McHypocrite, I reckon.
Pam- I just cant get over that potato thing on a stick.. yeeurrcchh!
Troy - do you now, I have just remembered, talking of first dates... when a boyfriend took me to Macdonalds (!) after a film... and when he ate his burger he had sauce ALL ROUND HIS MOUTH and he didnt wipe it off. He looked like a toddler... oh dear. that memory had been stored away for a couple of decades...(quietly like the chips too)

cheshire wife said...

I would rather stay in, and cook myself, than go out to these fast food places. At least that way I know what I am eating.

Troy said...

May I just suggest to cheshire wife that "cooking yourself" seems a far too drastic way of knowing what you are eating.

Ladybird World Mother said...

CW - Oh dear. Am giggling too hard still at what Troy has written and cant be very sensible. But know entirely what you are getting at, even if it has been twisted beyond the pale..
Troy - ouch. laughed so hard had coughing fit and throat now raw. Oh, dear. Keep picturing the scene of poor CW cooking herself...

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh, THIS is too good not to be published somewhere...
You must have gone to the same one we were at (and yes, it's a rare treat and I do wipe the table with my non-anal wipes) ;-)

I will never look at a nugget the same.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, how marvellous...you have got non anal wipes too! Brilliant, aren't they...