Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Time to Leg It.

Massive Dilemma Time.
You know.
The one where you Start To Get Legs Ready For Summer. Or just leave them for a few more weeks. Stubbly. White. Frightening.
Tricky.
Lucky Husband.
'Oh, look! It's a lovely day. Think I will wear shorts.'
Puts shorts on.
Goes out.
And Me.
'Oh, Look! It's a lovely day. Think I will wear shorts.'
But First...
Take off trousers and peer at legs.
Hairy.
Shave them? Not bad, only neither Husband or I are all that keen on the Sand Paper Effect after a day or so.
Wax? Surely we are the only Species in the entire world that Voluntarily Elects to Rip Hairs Out By Root?
Total Madness.
(Brazilians. Pah! Landing Strips belong in Airports. OK?)
So. Hair removal cream it is.
Lock bathroom while applying cream or children will see Unpleasant Things. Such as half woman, half polar bear.
Put cream all over legs.
Stand in bath. Realise have forgotton clock. Have dilemma'ette, wondering if can creep out of bathroom to bedroom to get clock, dripping cream on new carpets. Or wait in bath, guessing time elapsed, with potential skin loss due to over exposure to cream.
Take latter option. Count in head to 300.
Scrape away at cream with strange shaped plastic scrapey thing. Gradually fill bath with grotesque looking hairy cream. Forget to clean bath. Husband finds it later and stares at it in fascinated horror.
Leave bathroom and go to bedroom.
Legs now hairless.
Find pair of shorts and put them on. Look in mirror. Legs appear to be luminous. On closer inspection realise that they are so white they look green.
Decide to put on Fake Tan.
Exfoliate, it says. Have already removed several layers of skin through the hair removal cream, surely?
Bollocks to that. Speed is the essence. Look at the lovely day! Got to get out! Quick!
Find fake tan. Last year's.
Shrug and open.
Squeeze cream all over leg and rub in. There.
Still mint green, but will change slowly over the day. Marvellous!
Find shirt. Nice one with two little straps over shoulders.
Oh.
Lift arms slowly. Peer at Armpits.
Damn. Not Good. Gorilla Type.
Go back to bathroom and find razor. Strip to the waist and stand at sink. Make Big Mess of Shorts whilst Hurling Water at Armpits.
Swill some shaving foam round the area. Didn't need Quite So Much really. Meringues appear to be Growing in Armpit.
Use Razor with Vigour.
Better! Lift armpits again. Gorilla Style now gone.
Replace shirt. Change shorts as got soaking while doing armpits.
Go back into bedroom.
Look at self in mirror.
There! Looking good!
Let's Go! Tennis! Picnic! Barbecue!
What's that?
It's starting to rain?
Bloody Hell.


So.
What can one do?
Grow hair on legs to Extreme Length and become Rather Alternative?
Go through Hell of Hair Removal each day?
Have Sex Change?
God only knows.
Meanwhile will quietly put back on Winter Jeans. Boots.
And have smug look of woman with Legs Ready for Summer.
Oh, blast and botheration.
Now I have to do my Feet.
And Bikini Line.

Humph.
It's Hell being a Woman.

23 comments:

Troy said...

You've read the book folks, now see the film.

Ladybird World Mother said...

!!! It's called Hair Raising. (Herr Razing) About a hirsute german with a razor fetish. Great family fun.

Pam said...

I just read that Cindy Crawford smears herself in lotion 7 x day to keep her skin looking so good. No wonder I look like a crocodile! Us cosmo women have better things to do with our time don't we.

Twiglet said...

Was just going to comment on last blog and this one appeared - Have laughed at both - and I really didn't need to read between the lines!! Thanks.

Mum's the word said...

That last post was a hilarious read.
Well done you for getting to the 'root' of the matter!
It's waxing for me plus lots of lotion.
Cindy and I are on the same page, shame I don't have her looks.
Oh well, you can't have everything.

PurpleClover said...

Oh my goodness! So funny!

I have forgotten once or twice to "notice" I've forgotten something (SHAVING) when I'm already out. I've been known to buy the plastic razors at the store and shave in the bathroom.

Why can't electrolysis be so much cheaper?!

Neas Nuttiness said...

It could have been worse...the tan in a tube stuff turns me orange!

Another wonderful read.

Herr Razing - that one got me laughing so hard I almost squirted milk out my nose...dang that burns!

Tatersmama said...

I'm glad I read this as the coffee was percolating! Otherwise, I would have spit coffee all over the screen!

I only shave my legs for special occasions (what I prefer to think of as bi-annual events) and the rest of the time I sport what my Old Guy likes to call my "Lesbos Look".
Bugger what people think!
(but the pits must be be done weekly!!!)

Kitty said...

Depilation is one of the joys of summer, is it not? I was so pleased when my kids were big enough to go in the local pool by themselves as it meant no more emergency depilation sessions just to be able to go bluddy swimming!

x

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Oh yes, I've so been there, hilarious! and I've just read somewhere that we should apparently exfoliate 3 times per week. Probably written by an exfolication cream manufacturer...

Ladybird World Mother said...

Pam - Crikey. Am lucky if smear lotion on 7 times a year. Crocodiles unite!
Twiglet - absolutely no inference skills needed for this post!
Mums the word - you are a Very Brave Girl for waxing. None for me...just waning.
PC - Yup! Been there and done that... would be very nice indeed if electrolysis was cheap and cheerful. Its neither!
NN - orange, eh? Nice look. Sorry about the milk and nose situation. Friend of mine had same... with spaghetti! OUCH.
Tatesmama - Lesbos look, eh?? Think I sport that one. I must concentrate on doing those pits weekly... sometimes give myself a fright.
Kitty - Oh, Yes! Cant wait for youngest to get to 8, then No More Depilation! Actually, Husband might still appreciate it, I spose. Damn.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Reasons to be cheerful 123 - 3 times a week? Oh, dear. Thats where I am going wrong. Lucky with 3 times a year.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Yes, I too will be doing my bikini line. Isn't that the one directy around the ankles and neck?

imbeingheldhostage said...

Could be worse, you could suddenly discover that you need to wear depends when reading overly funny blogs!

I'm dying to hear what the outcome of the fake tan is tomorrow...

The Dotterel said...

It's about time you women knew what it was like! (I'm talking about the male face btw, sans beard.)

trashalou said...

Ha! I did my feet last night.

(figure whizzy looking feet will detract from gorilla legs;-)

Kevin Musgrove said...

I have a bit of sympathy, seeing as every morning I have to leave a bit of face and much vital fluid in the sink so as not to look like my chin's going mouldy.

Men should stop wearing shorts at the age of nine unless they are playing football or going on safari. Men in shorts in shopping centres isn't nice. At all.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

I love the spring and summer but dislike the transition period moving from winter (hiding multitudes of sins) clothes into lighter ensembles, when almost eveything is on show - well for some!

Loved your post. A x

Mud in the City said...

Have just checked my situation - have hair on knees poking through tights and, disturbingly, seem to be growing a crop on my toes.

Not good.

I'm moving to somewhere permenantly snowy.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Robynn - !! thats the one, Robynn! Glad you have located it. Some people find it lower down... madness.
Imbeingheldhostage - fake tan... absolutely nothing happened! Legs still that curious green owing to lack of sun. Better buy some fake tan forthwith...
the D - yeah, yeah, the face. We know you are a secret puller of leg hair...some men even do their chests... OUCH.
trashalou - whizzy legs will ALWAYS detract from gorilla legs, my friend! (Or thats what I have told myself for years...)
KM - yup. Men in shorts is not good. Men in shorts with long socks very not good. Hope your face isnt too mouldy today.
Anne - I know. Bad, isnt it! Shame we cant wear floor length clothes at all times...
Mud - prickly knees eh!! I once noticed a lot of fluff on my tights and tried to wipe it off and realised it was growth!! Oh dear. And know too the hairy toe thing. Not good at all. RRRRip. Is what I say. X

Scrimcat said...

Oh it is all so true, however living in the frozen north means I can put it off for a bit longer, or maybe for once I should be ahead of the game and ready for that shorts moment!

Ladybird World Mother said...

You are a lucky girl... probably have another month or so to get those legs out.. meanwhile... EXFOLIATE!!!!

Joy said...

Amen!