Massive Dilemma Time.
The one where you Start To Get Legs Ready For Summer. Or just leave them for a few more weeks. Stubbly. White. Frightening.
'Oh, look! It's a lovely day. Think I will wear shorts.'
Puts shorts on.
'Oh, Look! It's a lovely day. Think I will wear shorts.'
Take off trousers and peer at legs.
Shave them? Not bad, only neither Husband or I are all that keen on the Sand Paper Effect after a day or so.
Wax? Surely we are the only Species in the entire world that Voluntarily Elects to Rip Hairs Out By Root?
(Brazilians. Pah! Landing Strips belong in Airports. OK?)
So. Hair removal cream it is.
Lock bathroom while applying cream or children will see Unpleasant Things. Such as half woman, half polar bear.
Put cream all over legs.
Stand in bath. Realise have forgotton clock. Have dilemma'ette, wondering if can creep out of bathroom to bedroom to get clock, dripping cream on new carpets. Or wait in bath, guessing time elapsed, with potential skin loss due to over exposure to cream.
Take latter option. Count in head to 300.
Scrape away at cream with strange shaped plastic scrapey thing. Gradually fill bath with grotesque looking hairy cream. Forget to clean bath. Husband finds it later and stares at it in fascinated horror.
Leave bathroom and go to bedroom.
Legs now hairless.
Find pair of shorts and put them on. Look in mirror. Legs appear to be luminous. On closer inspection realise that they are so white they look green.
Decide to put on Fake Tan.
Exfoliate, it says. Have already removed several layers of skin through the hair removal cream, surely?
Bollocks to that. Speed is the essence. Look at the lovely day! Got to get out! Quick!
Find fake tan. Last year's.
Shrug and open.
Squeeze cream all over leg and rub in. There.
Still mint green, but will change slowly over the day. Marvellous!
Find shirt. Nice one with two little straps over shoulders.
Lift arms slowly. Peer at Armpits.
Damn. Not Good. Gorilla Type.
Go back to bathroom and find razor. Strip to the waist and stand at sink. Make Big Mess of Shorts whilst Hurling Water at Armpits.
Swill some shaving foam round the area. Didn't need Quite So Much really. Meringues appear to be Growing in Armpit.
Use Razor with Vigour.
Better! Lift armpits again. Gorilla Style now gone.
Replace shirt. Change shorts as got soaking while doing armpits.
Go back into bedroom.
Look at self in mirror.
There! Looking good!
Let's Go! Tennis! Picnic! Barbecue!
It's starting to rain?
What can one do?
Grow hair on legs to Extreme Length and become Rather Alternative?
Go through Hell of Hair Removal each day?
Have Sex Change?
God only knows.
Meanwhile will quietly put back on Winter Jeans. Boots.
And have smug look of woman with Legs Ready for Summer.
Oh, blast and botheration.
Now I have to do my Feet.
And Bikini Line.
It's Hell being a Woman.