Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Unusual Request

Request from Youngest today.
After school. In Playground.
Mummee? he whispered.
What is it? I whispered back.
He whispered for a long time somewhere in the direction of my lower chin.
Can't hear, sweetie, I told him. Whisper into my ear.
Other mothers looking on fondly.
He whispered at some length into my eye.
Stop! I said. Whisper into my ear...
Smile at mothers. Bet they're thinking how sweet he looks.
Youngest finds my ear and Stage Whispers into it,
I have an itch in my bottom. Can you scratch it?
Oh. My. Word.
Smile Gaily at Mothers. Whisper Hissily into Youngest's ear...
Scratch It Yourself.
But Mummee, he insists. You can scratch better than me. You've got big fingers.
Say Briskly to Youngest, Off we go! To the field! Come Along!
He follows behind, scratching bottom in distracted sort of way. Lop-sided sort of walk, presumably to get better hold, as it were.
I can't reach. Please can you scratch it?
And so I do. Scratch, scratch, scratch.
No, you need to scratch UP MY BOTTOM, he roars, fed up with whispering.
I will not scratch up your bottom. YOU MUST SCRATCH UP YOUR OWN BOTTOM.
Realise am in Bad Light.
Not the thing to shout in Playground.
And so we come to a Compromise.
A Wedgie.
And with that he runs off to play with his friends on the field.

Honestly, they don't cover this sort of thing in the Parents Handbook.


MrsMama said...

What a belly laugh! You poor thing. No, parenting books definitely don't tell us what to do in these type of awkward scenarios. But at least we have you, right? ;) You seem to get more than your share.

Neas Nuttiness said...

You need to teach him sign language.
Oh you keep me laughing!

Granny on the Web said...

Oh How funny for you.... and the other mums I bet.
Once my younger daughter wet her pants whilst we were in what was then Plummers, now Debenhams, so after visiting the loo and removing them, on the way through the store she shouted,'I don't like being without my knickers on MUM'
Oh was my red face. ( I am going back 43 years here)
Love Granny

Diane said...

You gotta love those moments. And you will, someday, when you remind him of this... over dinner... with his new girlfriend ;)

family affairs said...

A mother's work is never done....worms? But I'm sure I've read in a parenting book somewhere that worms hate wedgies. Lx

Tatersmama said...

What you do is say that he's not actually YOUR child. You found him sleeping in the garden shed or something... and just decided to keep him.
Or never take him out in public again until he's 28.

Pam said...

Brilliant! Please remind him in 10 years.

Mud in the City said...

Sounds like worms to me too.

Wait until he starts scooting across the carpet on his bottom. Or maybe that's just when dogs get worms?

Sir Bruin said...

Nothing to worry about. Just the first signs of blokiness. Belching, farting and nose picking to complete the set!

Troy said...

Earlier in class...
"Today children we are going to learn about a very old tradition. Ask your mother to scratch your bottom. Make sure she understands it needs a really GOOD scratch. After she has given it a good scratch, you should laugh and shout APRIL FOOL!"

wonderwoman said...

the joy of little ones!!!

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Oh god, remember that story for his 18th!

Maternal Tales said...

Embarrassing for you but really totally cute!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Leave it to YOU to give voice to these COMPLETELY disgusting, wacky, and oh-so-true-that's-exACTly-how-it-is moments!! Hope said son doesn't kill you later.

Mine is now telling me, "You make me sound like a baby!" or some such regular malarky. I try to tell him all moms take it with a grain of salt. No sale. Have to mind my p's & q's now.


Marvellous! Don't you love 'em? My middle daughter seems to suffer from Itchy Bot Syndrome. It's always an awkward one to know how to deal with (Daddy passes that one on to me for fear of Social Services moving in), but thankfully I've never had to be fully exposed in the playground with it. Respect!


PS, meant to say, read about Persil. Feel for you - she sounds an absolute gem and such a huge part of your childhood. We had our own Mrs C - who wasn't quite in Persil's league - but was a darlin' and such a part of our family. She, too, is now very very frail and in and out of hospital and lost her husband some years ago. My mother is a star and still visits her and cares so much about her. Sadly I am now too far away.

Rebecca said...

OH MY! So funny!
Thanks for stopping by my blog today!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Thanks one and all for your comments... NO HE HAS NOT GOT WORMS!!! That dragging bottom along ground thing made me laugh... sorry to do one reply to all. Such a cheat but its end of term and HOLIDAYS which means lovely lie ins followed by Entire Days with Children. Crikey.
Happy holidays y'all. Will blog when can get single finger on keys, through crowd of children and their friends... all using My Computer. hey ho.

Iota said...

Have found your blog (via More than just a Mother), and am enjoying browsing.

Maybe you could write the book "What Parenting Books Don't Tell You" and make a fortune giving words of advice on tricky situations like this.

Joy said...

Oh.My.Word. is right!!!!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Iota _ thrilled to make your acquaintance! Have had an extremely enjoyable visit to your blog and will go back soon...especially the boys toys post.
Joy - I know... when it comes down to it those words say it all!

Hannah-Bo said...

Oh my goodness, this made me laugh out loud... I am so glad my mom (Robynn's Ravings) didn't find the need to respond with some like story that I'm sure she could find in her vast archives of my most embarrassing moments =) I am quite frightened of her memory when it comes to those kinds of things.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Hannah-Bo - How FAB to see you! Heard lots about you, but none of the bottom scratching variety! Loved your mom's post about you.
You and your family sound just the best. Oh, and SO FUNNY!xx

Nota Bene said...

Oh too wonderful that boys think their mums can solve all problems....

Ladybird World Mother said...

NotaBene - and they really do, dont they!! I think my little boy thinks I can do anything. bless.