Monday, 2 November 2009

Climbing Everest

I bloody hate washing.
It is, I swear, an organic matter, growing faster than a hedge of leylandii, over which I will never, ever, win.
No matter how much I tend to it, and clear, wash, dry, iron, and put it away, there is always EVEN MORE.
But today I have played a Really Fun Game. To eleviate the Monotony, as it were.
I have counted how much of our latest washing pile belongs to me.
Here is the list.
Three pair of pants. (knickers to those who say knickers. Pants to the rest of you)
Three pair of socks.
Two t-shirts.
One pair of jeans.
Not too bad really, after nearly five days away. Had managed a wash half way through week.
Now. Husband's.
Eleven shirts.
Twelve pairs of boxer shorts.
Eight pairs of socks.
Five pairs of trousers.
A woolly jumper.
One large roll neck shirt.
Nine handkerchiefs.
(Yes, handkerchiefs. Large spotted things that he blows his nose on, over and over.)
And did I mention the children's clothes?
Imagine Everest. Pants and shirts and trousers and jumpers and socks and pyjamas and the odd coat. Piled high. Sod the Himalayas. Ranulph Fiennes should just come here to West Sussex and climb my chuffing Washing Pile. We could get News Night to cover it.
(By the way, did you know that Ranulph Fiennes' real name is Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wickham-Fiennes! What a fab name. I want one like that...)
Washing that lot will take an Age.
Think of me. Welded to that horrible iron thing, flattening the equivalent of several acres of clothes.
Should just get Steam Roller and be done with it. Put all the bastard clothes on the floor and drive all over them.
Much more Fun.
But No. Must keep Up the Standards. Will Fold, surreptitiously, all the clothes that can be folded without anyone noticing. And put them away quickly into drawers. And will then iron the tops of anything that can just be ironed on the top, without anyone noticing. And will then be seen to be ironing all the rest Extremely Well. So that I look like Model Housewife, when am in fact a Slut.
See you when I'm done!


Emma Louise said...

Steam Roller sounds like so much more fun..
I hate washing with a passion.. And I'm new to this housewifey lark, to imagine 30 more years of this makes me want to emigrate now!!

geraldgee said...

You've been away far too long...
Old army trick,put it under the mattress and sleep on it. xx

Helen P said...

I told my family recently I was giving up ironing. Son never noticed and daughter quickly realised that all those pure linen, organic cotton and fancy pants trendy clothes she was buying were more trouble than they were worth. Husband picked up iron and now does own shirts....

Kathy G said...

When I was pregnant with Son #2 (who's now 23), I told Hubby that ironing made my back hurt, so I was giving it up. Only pick up the iron a couple of times a year now, usually for craft projects.

Hubby's learned that if he buys a shirt that isn't wash-and-wear, HE'S got to take care of it.

These last few months Hubby's been out of town training for a new job. Kids are long gone, so the only laundry I'm doing is mine. My pile sounds pretty much like yours.

Jo said...

I used to give my sons their clean washing to put away and they found it was easier just to put it back in the dirty laundry basket. I was washing clean clothes for months as, like you, I'd learned the hard way about not sniffing.
And just the other day, after a holiday, I was carrying a huge pile of laundry downstairs and missed the last step. One swollen foot and several torn ligaments. Husband said "You'd do anything to get out of the ironing wouldn't you?"

Expat mum said...

For some reason when I do a wash (which is all the time) the pile alternates between being almost all the Queenager's, to almost all one of the other two. I have at most, a few pairs of panties (as they call them here - tee hee) and a work out shirt. Grrr.

Troy said...

How can you be jealous of Ranulph's name when your actual full name is Ladybird World Mother-F***ing-Greatpile O'Washing? I'm sorry if you were trying to keep your Irish roots secret - I guess I've let the cat out of the bag now!
Oh, and wash your clothes twice - to be sure, to be sure!

Ladybird World Mother said...

el - 30 years??? At least another 60! Just think of those grandchildren!! x
gg - oh, bless your heart.. thanks for missing me.
And thanks for the mattress tip... will do it now and throw the blasted iron away forthwith. x
Helen p - wow... you gave up ironing. I'LL DO IT TOO!!! Oh, cant wait for Husband to get home to tell him the joyful news. xx
Kathy G - oh, I am getting such good tips here. To only pick up the iron... for craft projects... sounds like heaven to me. Ouch, my back. Definitely cant iron now. Oh. Damn. Not.
Jo - poor you... but go on, you really did do it to get out of the ironing, didn't you! Eh??!! ;)
EM - why is it that we dont have much washing? Is it because we are actually quite dirty smelly people, or just that we are careful about not changing EVERYTHING every day?? Latter. Definitely. x
Troy - how did you guess my name?
don't I keep it under me hat all the toime? And who doesn't wash everything twice, to be sure? Maybe thats why it takes so damned long. x

London City Mum said...

I missed you too! Was just wondering where the bejeezus you had gone.... swamped by laundry pile it would seem.

I have delegated ironing to lovely girl who also cleans for me once a week. Have had her since before children came along. Some things you just cannot, sorry, DO NOT go without, even when unemployed. Even if I have to raid the kiddies' piggy-banks.

But I HATE doing the laundry nonetheless, tons of it, endless, and I think my husband and yours are in cohorts of some sort. Pah!

Aim is now to find another job that earns me enough to employ a full-time housekeeper FOREVER. How blissful never to have to tackle my own Everest ever again.


*walks away in daydream, smiling stupidly*

Mwa said...

I don't normally do this, but seriously read this:
and stop ironing things you're now ironing the tops of. No need! The drawer will magically straighten everything. (It really does.) And it's jumper time anyway, no one sees what's underneath!

Ladybird World Mother said...

LCM - can we share that House Keeper? Pretty please? Then my life will be complete and I will be a far better wife than I have ever been before... (although I have to say... Husband is ironing at this Very Moment...ssshhhhh, dont tell anyone.)xx
Mwa - oh thank you!!! Have read the post and laughed at the picture of ironing as it looked so like mine... glad someone else folds too. xxx

Tattie Weasle said...

Ah Ironing...I remember that but luckily two weeks after marriage Dear Charlie realised I couldn't do it and hired someone to iron his city shirts for me, ten years later still can't do it....he he he he...;)

Catharine Withenay said...

I reckon that if the rest of the family did their own washing and ironing the quantity of their clothes in the wash would equate much more closely to yours. I measure my ironing by how many contestants have danced on Strictly on Sat night when I finish... usually it's halfway through Casualty...

Midlife Jobhunter said...


My husband does the ironing. I don't buy anything for myself that needs it and I don't iron his clothes well enough for his standards. Works for me!

But with only one child left at home, my Everest has become much less. Maybe (trying to offer you hope.)

Pam said...

I hate laundry too. My biggest confession to make here is that if Danny has a major poop I throw his underwear away. Not good for the environment I know but definitely good for my mental health.

Sir Bruin said...

I have to admit to being a little confused. You say that you have been away for 5 days, given the four-fold permutations of wearing underdungers (inside-out and back to front), it would suggest that you have been away for 12 days and husband for nearly 7 weeks. Can it be that you are not wearing them long enough to get full use from them?
By the way, I don't do ironing. can't see the point when the clothes get creased when you wear them.

Ladybird World Mother said...

TW - I am so jealous I think I might burn up... you lucky, lucky girl... do you think the iron person would notice if I slipped in a few extra? x
CW - aha... yes, the measure to all ironing... I do mine in the morning.. if I am still watching Loose Women... and ironing, it has been a Very Bad Morning. Usually done by start of This Morning!! x
MJ - You have no Everest?? Wow. Stunned silence. Your husband does the ironing?? Wow. should be more stunned silence, but actually.... so does mine!! (ssshhh)
Pam - I've done that too!!! Just too awful to think of the alternative. Glad there's another wasteful mother out there... I'd like to see someone deal with Poop Galore and the gentle task of scraping the stuff off said underpants. Yeeuuurrrch. x
Sir B - NOW I see where I am going so wrong. Inside out AND back to front. Silly old me. will tell Husband immediately and we will start depleting our Everest Pile down to nothing. can the same be done with city shirts? xxx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Giving up ironing made a big difference to my life, though there are a few pairs of linen trousers that could do with being underneath three or four mattresses for a year or two.

The other big step was to give up on trying to pair up socks. I reckon that's a year of my life now available for scratching myself and staring aimlessly at walls.

Alix said...

"Should just get Steam Roller and be done with it. Put all the bastard clothes on the floor and drive all over them." I vote for that!

I love doing laundry for some reason. Probably because I throw a couple of loads in every day and keep up with it fairly easily that way. I'd rather do laundry than vacuum, that's for sure.

But if it all gets to be too too much, Ladybird, throw out the dirty clothes and buy new. And if that isn't wise in these questionable economic times, send all the stuff that needs ironing to the Chinese Laundry and do the easy stuff yourself.

Oh heck... just send it to me... I'll do it for you.

Working Mum said...

I don't mind the actual washing, it is, as you say, the ironing. I hate it. Glad to see you've adopted some strategies, though!

Anonymous said...

Washing, I don't mind.. The never ending folding and putting away makes me want to scream!

elizabethm said...

When all four of ours were at home I felt just like this about washing. From the age of 12 all of them had to do their own washing, with varying degrees of success. At fifteen ironing from me stopped. Girls continued haphazardly, boys did one school shirt a day. One of the great benefits of adult children is no more washing!

Nancy said...

Ahhh the joys of having a young family. But what the heck is with the husbands and all of their laundry? My husband uses the excuse that he uses all that stuff because he exercises so much. Gob, he would have to bring that up...

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

You have some of my sympathies LWM, especially for having so many shirts to iron. Only two of us now but usually plenty of shirts! I also do my mum's ironing as she finds it difficult to deal with it now (at 87) and whenever I visit my daughter there is usually a mountain of ironing to negotiate. Perhaps not quite Everest - more Snowdon maybe. A x

imbeingheldhostage said...

At first glimpse I thought you wanted Ralph Fiennes in which case I was willing to be his sherpa ;-)

I get it about the washing-- I don't dare take a count of theirs vs mine, it could be enough to send me off to climb a mountain...forever.

Ladybird World Mother said...

KM - pairing up socks?? Oh my god that is a whole new post! glad you have time to stare at walls and scratch. It's the importance of the little things, you know... that make life so worthwhile.;)
Alix - buy more clothes!! Never have dirty ones because always have new ones... these are exciting thoughts. Now listen... I throw on a couple of loads every day too... how come your pile is smaller than mine, as it were? But thanks for that offer of doing the damned washing... it's on its way right as I write!!xx
WM- hooray, glad you hate it too... !! (strategies are always very useful indeed)
WITMRaw - so agree... doesnt it just go on and bloody on and on and on... aaarrrggghh..xx
elizabeth- right, just you wait until they are 15 and like yours will be handed the iron... how exciting. Only another ten years. Oh. God. x
Nancy - yup. That old chestnut. My husband says because he works!! hah.x
Anne - you saint! Not only your own ironing but mother and daughter's too... you are wonder woman. xx
imbeingheldhostage - cant be Ralph Fiennes sherpa bacause I want that job. And deserve it after all the ironing and washing. x