Thursday, 22 October 2009

What the Dickens?

It doesn't get much Chuffing Worse.
Found something small and nasty looking in Youngest's bed.
Didn't have a colour or anything so was Quite Difficult to work out its Origins.
Picked offending thing up. Delicately, between finger and thumb. The size of a sultana. Or something.
Sniffed it. Held it up to the light.
Not a Poo. Definitely not.
Looked at it again. Had it held right to end of nose in efforts to see the damned thing.
Smelled it again.
Peered closely.
What the Bloody Hell was this Thing in child's bed that looked Organic, like it may once have been Alive?
Light switched on in head. Finally.
It's a Bogey.
Old. Crusty. Nasty.
Threw it in horror onto floor. Watched it bounce across the floor before coming to final resting place under chest of drawers.
Reminded me of time I had picked up pair of Middle Son's pants when he was about three. Clean ones. Sweet little blue pants. Put them against my nose and tenderly breathed in the smell of clean, Persil-like 'outdoor hanging on the line' scent.
Were Day old Pants.
Overpowering scent of Wee. Clung to nose for hours afterwards.
Will. Never. Ever. Sniff. Pants. Again.
And I'll add picking up old Bogeys to that.
It's a glamorous life I live.


Mwa said...

I suppose it would have been worse if it HAD been a poo?

Janna Qualman said...

You are just about the funniest thing ever. Your poor nose!

Expat mum said...

My little guy has just stopped wiping them onto the wall. Try getting that off without taking the paint off too!

Tattie Weasle said...

Better old and dry and in the bed that slimed across your best jumper under the guise of a huggie!

Anonymous said...

Rule #1: Never sniff clothes. If unsure whether clean or dirty, just assume dirty and wash anyway (better to wash something unnecessarily than to sniff something potentially lethal).

Rule #2: If you can't identify it, don't pick it up. And forgodsakewhatwereyouthinking don't sniff it.

Rule #3: (Probably only applicable for fathers) When in doubt, pretend you didn't see it.

Troy said...

I remember when I found something small and nasty looking in my son's bed. It smiled and said "Hello Dad!".

You must give your son time to build up his bogey - they need a certain critical mass before your son can start sculpting anything meaningful from them. Back to the drawing board.

Anonymous said...

You make a great writer but I'm not sure you'd be a crash-hot fetishist with your aversion to stained underwear and dried nasal produce.

Ah well - the pervy world's loss is our gain.

Rebel Mother said...

Ah! You make me laugh!

Never sniff a boys underpants unless you have just got them out the wash.

Goes for unidentified objects in the bed as well. Pick up with a pair of tongs and throw away.


Ladybird World Mother said...

Mwa - not worse... just my Luck. Actually, on second thoughts. Yeurch.
JQ - I know... my nose has been through the mill. As it were... ;)
EM - Aha... wall bogeys. Dont they 'alf stick... we need a special stick to prise it off. x
TW - totally agree. Nothing worse than brand new bogies over nice dark top! 'Specially if they are your own. x
Jeff - WISH I had known those rules before sniffing the unknown object... or those pants. Will take your rules very seriously indeed from now on. xx
Troy!! small and nasty. I will remind him of that one day into the future. And regarding sculptures... do you think I am ruining his chances of a Turner Prize sometime soon? Would fit in nicely next to the unmade bed and any other Art they might be making that year. x
Matthew - crash-hot fetishist!! Oh, PLEASE let me be one. Actually, maybe not. Rather dislike leather and discomfort. Would be hopeless. x
RM - AHA I need tongs! Thanks for hot tip. will go out immediately and buy some. x

Tatersmama said...

ROFLMAO! After the last lot of emergency care kids were through here, I picked a raisin up off the floor, and sniffed it, thinking "what the heck? I don't have raisins here."

Yep, you got it.
Wasn't a raisin.

Pam said...

I am always picking up little bits of things of the changing mat - sometimes a tiny poo, sometimes a bit of fluff. I always investigate and have a sniff. Maybe we should work for CSI?

Sir Bruin said...

S'not good. My youngest is 18 next month, so I am well into a world of different problems. As others have already pointed out, it could have been a whole lot worse. Anyway, you should eat more greens!
Pant sniffing? Always doomed to end badly.

Nancy said...

LOL!!! Oh, this was rich! I remember peering closely at something on my child's wall once - yep, you guessed it, I guess it was used instead of a kleenex.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh, wow I think I would've vomited. I guess in the bed is better than hanging off hallway pictures, door handles and wall paper-- not that anything like that would have ever happened in my house...

Ladybird World Mother said...

Tatersmama-that sounds just revolting... and extraordinarily like what happened here...which means this must happen all over!
Pam - Work for the CSI... now that sounds a little more glamorous than bogey sniffing here in West Sussex... count me in. xx
Sir b - You think it's bogeys but it'snot. As we used to say to gales of laughter each and every time we said it. Wont sniff no more pants, I promise.x
nancy - what is it with walls? I mean, they aren't exactly white and soft like a kleenex... bless their little hearts.
imbeingheldhostage - Of COURSE not... we would never dream of thinking that it COULD ever happen in your house... weird how you know just where those bogeys go, though. ;)

Robynn's Ravings said...

You lead a rich life, my friend. Add sniffing underwear to this to see if the laundry got put away or thrown on the floor and your life is complete. Can you believe they don't PAY us for this job?!

Working Mum said...

Eugh, just eugh!

Alix said...

Oh my. Yes. Quite a jolt to the old noggin, I would think - let alone nose and imagination.

Boogies can be so tricky.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Yuck! Today while swimming laps, there was a long clog of hair in my lane that wouldn't move to another. No matter how hard I kicked when I came to that end of the pool, it clung to my lane like a booger on a finger. Can't get it out of my head. Maybe I can after reading this.

Always fun to visit you.

Clippy Mat said...

yeuch. kids eh?
dirty little boogers.

Nishant said...

My little guy has just stopped wiping them onto the wall. Try getting that off without taking the paint off too! Work From Home