Thursday, 5 November 2009

On Imposing Discipline

It is, I have discovered, quite impossible to Impose Discipline while sitting on the Lavatory. Weeing.
Whilst 'going' this morning noted that Youngest was singing really quite loudly in his room, which would wake up Daughter. Who would be in Foul Mood as she does not like being woken up.
So cleared throat, and called out in what I hoped were Stern Tones.
Singing continued. Louder.
Wriggled bottom on lavatory and shifted feet so as to get more in the Authoratitive Position, and shouted out in a Whispery sort of fashion. Instructing Youngest to Be Quiet Immediately.
The cat, sitting by the basin in the bathroom, got up and left.
Youngest paid no attention at all. And Daughter emerged from room and went downstairs, seemingly unaffected by the singing in the first place.
Sat gloomily on loo, contemplating total lack of control (not bladder, just discipline).
It is Utterly Guaranteed that children will Misbehave when I am Going. Just when they know that I can't physically roar into the room and put an end to whatever nonsense is taking place, they let rip with a totally unsuitable game of Throw the Sofa About, or Let's Run Screaming Through the House. The plaintive calls of their mother from the bowels (pardon the pun) of the downstairs loo has Absolutely No Effect whatsoever.
Alternatively, one of them will be Horribly Hurt and scream the very house down, just at a Peak Moment. As it were. There is a moment of blind panic. Wipe my bottom? Leave it and run to child, with trousers round ankles? Pull up trousers and wipe later? What to do? What THE HELL to do?
So.
In future will restrict mothering skills to when am not attached to lavatory bowl.
Will not mind that Bladder is Bursting. If necessary will use bucket under a very long coat.
Simples.
Mothering. It makes you devious, you know.
And insane.
But you knew that already, eh?

23 comments:

Sir Bruin said...

Wouldn't life be boring if it didn't require us to find solutions to all sorts of obscure problems? Mind you, it would be a bloody sight easier.

Mwa said...

So true, so true.

Alix said...

Wait a minute.

You would discipline the happy singing child for disturbing the grumpy non-morning child? I would think the latter would appreciate a musical alarm clock via the former.

Couch flipping on the other hand totally deserves a yelp from mom - loo or no loo.

My favorite line? "Wriggled bottom on lavatory and shifted feet so as to get more in the Authoratitive Position".

You are a genius!

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Will you patent the undercoat female wee machine and send me the prototype to trial? I need one here so very badly.

Mud in the City said...

Or maybe a sound proof bathroom so that you can wee in happy obliviousness?

Neas Nuttiness said...

Your posts just keep getting better and better - had to cross my legs to keep from "weeing" on myself, as I was laughing so hard!

Matthew said...

Your retrospective is going to be entitled 'the toilet years' I would suggest.

Love your work, as always.

And a palindromic word verification, too. Can today get any better?

Catharine Withenay said...

My toilet problem is either the phone, or the front door. Guaranteed to demand my attention whilst my attention is ... well, elsewhere. Why does no-one call when I'm washing/ ironing/ hoovering/ happy to be interrupted?

imbeingheldhostage said...

I consider it a cruel joke of God's to create in women delicate bladders (that are eventually ruined by the birthing of the children) who need to wee when the urge strikes but now they have said children who should NEVER be out of eyesight. It's not even slightly funny in my opinion.
And yes, when the sofa is being thrown, Mum comes out with pants around the ankles. That should be punishment in itself, especially for a teen with friends over.

Expat mum said...

Oooh, I don't think it's a good idea not to go when you need to. Doesn't it give you an infection or something?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"If necessary will use bucket under a very long coat."

Perhaps tie it around your waist so it will always be there. Fun post.

Pam said...

I have done the same kind of furious whispering from the loo, hoping not to wake the baby. I'm so glad another mum has a loud child and it's not just me. I alway think everyone else's child is like one of those demure children you see in Victorian films.

Troy said...

Look on the bright side - they haven't yet combined the two games as "Let's Run Screaming Through The House Whilst Throwing The Sofa About". Or, have I spoken too soon?

cheshire wife said...

Just be careful that the 'bucket lady' does not end up on the front page of a tabloid!

Tatersmama said...

*GASP* Trying to catch my breath here! I know it's a pain, but it does my heart good to know that I'm not the only one!
With the daycare children, I swear I haven't done number 1's or 2's in peace in YEARS!
"Katie, whacha 'doin' in there?"
"Katie, Wobert is eating the cat."
"Katie, Wobert is eating the garbage".

I'm lucky enough that I get to send mine home...
Never mind... yours ARE home!
*snickers*

Working Mum said...

Insane, definitely. Looking forward to seeing that invention on Dragon's Den in the future!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Hey ho, one and all... having had busy old week and weekend have had no time to settle down with a cuppa and reply to your lovely comments. Thank you to you all for them... and as soon as I invent the damned under your coat wee machine will send you ALL one in the post... free. Even if you didnt want one.
Now, back to the madness that is My Life to date. Have fab day. xx

Alix said...

Ladybird, my Queen...

Please swing by Casa Hice when you have a minute and pick up the award I left for you...

Jeanie said...

Many thanks to Alix at CASA HICE for sending me your way. I'm past the child raising years, but not so far past that I don't know that you have to have a sense of humor to do it and stay sane. The bucket/coat solution shows that all your brain power is still intact.

Sir Bruin said...

No really, that is ok. I really don't need one of your under-the-coat wee devices. i don't have a long enough coat.

Vodka Mom said...

oh yes, I already knew that!

:-)

xox

Hearth-mother said...

Very funny. Love all the Capitalisation.

Working Mum said...

Back again. Award for you over at mine.