Wednesday, 25 November 2009

In Bed With My Husband

Oh Dear Lord.
Bed and Husband.
No, no, no, no! Not in That Way!
One Track Minds. The lot of you.
No, the problem is that am getting a Bit Fed Up with the Snoring.
It's really getting Rather Loud.
It seems Husband has three methods of snoring.
First there is the Whistly One. The entrance to Husband's nostrils appears to be partially blocked, leaving a very small hole for the air to get through. This results in a high pitched whistle through Said Nostrils. Quite Annoying Really, especially when he puts his nose very-close-indeed-to-my-ear. While asleep.
Following this is the Throat Scraper. Somehow the dear man manages to get the two sides of his throat to meet companionably in the middle and have a Scrape. Together. Again and again. Scraaaaaaapppppppppe. Pause. Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape.
And finally there is the Nose Rattler. Something happens to the Entrance at back of Nose. It Constricts. Or Contracts. Or Something. Nose appears to Vibrate. On watching more closely, notice his mouth also resonates. Unbelievable Noise.
Tend to Hit Husband quite severely over the head.
That works and is most satisfactory. For a while.
Until he starts again.
So, soon it will be bedtime. Better get ready.
Cotton wool to place in ears.
Large pillow to place over my head.
Large and pointed wooden implement to hit Husband with.
Book to read when it all goes horribly wrong and I can't get to sleep.
Another book to read when it all goes horribly wrong and I've finished the first book and need something else to read.
Thermos of something nice and warm to drink when it goes horribly wrong and I've finished both books and need something else to do to distract me from snoring.
Vast vat of whisky to drink when it all goes horribly wrong and have read the books and drank all the contents of thermos and need something else to distract me from the throat scraping.

That should do it for now.
Time for Bed!
Night Night. x

(PS May I just say that it isn't actually my bed time yet. Just in case you were wondering. I mean, why on earth would I take to my bed at eight minutes past seven? I would very much like it to be bed-time but have to bath several children first, feed a Husband and do a small mountain of ironing. Simple tasks about the home, as they say. But will be looking forward to bed around the 10.30 pm mark... so think of me as I climb those stairs... armed with my weapons of mass destruction... anything to get some sleep, eh.)


wonderwoman said...

O I so know how you feel - doesn't happen every night but you can guarantee i'm just about to drop off and away he goes bless him!!!!


geraldgee said...

Was wondering why you wanted all eight bedrooms in my place xx

DJan said...

Years ago I made an audio tape of my husband's snoring, which he didn't believe he did. It certainly made him willing to do something about it. First, he stopped sleeping on his back (big help), second, he lost weight (also big help), and lastly, he will now wake himself up when it gets going. Best of luck to you on getting some sleep!!!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Oh, the bedtime song of romance. It is SO alluring. One of these days we will have separate bedrooms (not you and I - we've already accomplished that). And I can watch tv or read and he won't be bothered by me, either. And won't we be chipper when we see one another? AND well rested. Could be a wonderful payoff.

Alix said...

I feel your pain, Ladybird.

My husband sounds like a backhoe inside a cement mixer being crushed by a freight train. Sleep does not visit me often. Add to that menopause, hot flashes, and frequent trips to the potty, and I'm up more than I'm not.

Hubby did a sleep study and was diagnosed with moderate to sever Sleep Apnea - which not only causes the snoring, but is potentially life threatening. No more than me, tho. I swear, one more sleep deprived night and it's curtains for him. Maybe someday he'll go back to be fitted with a C-PAP and we might both get some rest. But I'm not counting on it.

PS: You are an A class riot, ma'am.

Clippy Mat said...

I think you should try recording it as DJAn says. (I was going to add then post it on your blog but that would not be nice haha) you've got nothing to lose anyway and it's something to do when your run out of the other distractions.

Mwa said...

I think it would be the sofa for one of us if we had that problem. No one messes with my sleep!

I'm thinking of you and sympathising lots.

Anonymous said...

And I bet he has that grat male ability to go to sleep at the drop of a hat and leave you just drifting off, buefore the noise starts!

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Pam said...

Cough loudly, poke him in the kidneys and whisper "side". Works for me.
Alternatively, drink so much wine you pass out till 7am.
Either works!

Ladybird World Mother said...

What wonderfully kind comments today!! I can feel the waves of sympathy flooding in from all round the globe... had a very restful night last night. No Snoring. Repeat. No Snoring.
'My husband sounds like a backhoe inside a cement mixer being crushed by a freight train..' OMG poor Alix!!
Sorry for this general comment... yes I know... same old excuses, blah blah blah... but Middle Son is home with a cough... sounds like that freight train above... and I am being that Nurse Maid thing again... Just Lovely. Not.
Will hopefully get a moment to visit you lot today. Have a good one, one and all.xxxx

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Evidently I snore but so does my wife! I seldom wake with her beside me but been married nearly forty years. plus I suffer also from the one where my breathing stops and one daughter sleepwalks quite seriously. But why be an ordinary family!

Jo said...

Clicking works. You know, the noise you make with your tongue onto the roof of your mouth. Works every time. (Only, if you've tried to ease the pain with vast quantities of alcohol that evening so that you can be in a coma of deafness, sometimes your furry tongue gets stuck to the furry roof of your mouth.) But try it tonight: click click click in a censorial manner and he will stop. The other thing I do is try and get to sleep first. That helps. Used to listen all night to the World Service (earphones, top volume) but would wake if male voice changed to female, or to music etc. Now I listen to audiobooks all night, so you get the same soothing voice. How many times have I heard Chapter One of Birdsong and never made it to Chapter two? So what with the audiobooks, the snoring, the clicking and the resulting vivid dreams I spend most of the day in a bit of a daze.

Anonymous said...

Suddenly I see a positive in being single!!!

Expat mum said...

There are quite a few things on the market (at least over here) for snorers. I will look out for them for you. Of couse, I sleep so badly that I'm always knackered during the day so will probably forget where I've read this.

NaomiG said...

Oh, boy howdy, do I sympathize. I sleep with a snorer too. I hate it. That being said, usually, when I'm ready to punch him, I try to simply imagine my life without him--and that makes me much less irritated. One time I read a Dear Abby article, where this lady was saying she'd give anything to have her husband snoring in bed beside her still--he'd died of a heart attack, and she felt so terrible that she'd complained so badly about it. Touched my heart a little bit, so I try not to complain. Once I get to sleep, I'm fine. It's just some nights, I have to take a few shots of whiskey to accomplish that over the snoring. :-)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Gok - hey , your initials! Any relation??! You poor old thing with the breathing stopping... thats not nice. And a sleep walking daughter... what a household...!
Jo.- clicking is going to happen in this house from now on... thank you so much for such a lovely comment...Birdsong... here we come! xxx
RS - there most certainly is the most HUGE benefits!x
EM - you darling girl... how kind. Will quite understand if you never find your way here again... sleep deprivation is a bugger! x
NG - you know what.. I really needed to hear that. When the old man is snoring away beside me I want to kill awful if he wasnt there at all... funny thing is there has been NO SNORING since I wrote this post!! Bizarre.xx

Rebel Mother said...

The bloody snoring drives you nuts doesnt it?

Efficient earplugs are a necessity.

Good post.

Love RMxx

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh dear, how maddening. Ear plugs?

cheshire wife said...

I cam sympathise with you. We have been through all of this. Husband had to have op on nose to rectify problem caused by being hit on nose with a squash racquet but he still sometimes snores. The best solution is spare bedrooms. Where is husband now? playing squash!

Susan said...

My partner snored so loudly that my neighbour banged on the wall and shouted "shut up!"
I spent many a night in the spare bedroom still unable to sleep because I could still hear him.
Then I bought some earplugs and re-discovered what a good night's sleep is like.

Tattie Weasle said...

Mine snores too. The only way weI could cure it was to move out of the marital bed. Some say how sad, I say how exciting - all that corridor creeping and trying not to wake the children...with the snoring of course! Honestly!!!

Ladybird World Mother said...

RM - bloody does! But would you believe it... not one snore since I wrote this post!! Wild, eh. x
DJK - Pillow over ear... works a treat. x
CW - crikey.. a nose accident! Poor man... must have been agony. And never put him off his game... bless!
Susan - I laughed so hard when I read your comment... fancy being able to hear him from NEXT DOOR!!!
Glad ear plugs are working. x
TW - sounds just up my boulevard... trouble is we have no spare rooms... too many bloomin children... note to self...must buy a bigger house.xx

Anonymous said...

Hi! Thanks for coming to my blog. I like yours and this post is particularly funny. Sadly I am the snorer in our family :-O

Ladybird World Mother said...

CL - nice to see you here!! and bad luck about being the Snorer...

Tatersmama said...

That's why The Old Guy and I have seperate houses. It works a charm.
No snoring, no fighting for covers, no nasty smells emanating from beneath said covers, and no one has to deal with hairy legs brushing against them.
Plus, he says he sleeps much better without me doing all those aforementioned things anyway.
And at least my cats don't complain.

Joy said...

We've been married nearly 14 years. He has snored since day one. He can't breathe through his nose, so he breathes with his mouth open. I jab him and tell him to roll over. Then he breathes and shakes the bed. About a year ago, I started moving to the guest room bed when he makes noise. I start out in bed with him, and if he doesn't make noise, I stay. If the snoring won't stop, I move to the guest room bed. Now I get my sleep. If possible, make yourself a little area to sleep in, you will be much more rested. Don't suffer through this.