Friday, 10 July 2009

Run, Rabbit, Run

Am Absolutely Not saving any more rabbits.
As much as I love them. And all. Fluffy little bunnies.
But am not going to run round the garden in my T-shirt and knickers, leaping like a mad woman through the Broad Beans in the vegetable garden, in order to save a small baby bunny from our cat, Toby.
Let me explain...
Was brushing my hair the other morning. Looking fondly out of the window at Daughter feeding chickens in her nightie. Rubbed some fake tan ( an absolute must for those with Pale Skin) into my now rather Brown Legs, and was looking admiringly at the back of the calves, when heard Blood Curdling Screams. Emanating from the Vegetable Garden.
In Blind Panic threw window open and yelled out at Daughter,
'WHAT IS THE MATTER?'
Daughter was then seen, running full pelt, past the greenhouse and appeared to have thrown herself under the hedge. Throughout her run, she Screamed,'TOBEEEEEEE. NO!!!!!!!'
I yelled again.
Daughter answered, rather muffled, from the Depths of the hedge,
'He's got another rabbit... NNOOOOOO, TOBEEEEEE!'
At this point was leaning so far out of window that became a little anxious that I might fall out, so made the Sensible Decision to go down and Save The Rabbit. Again.
Toby, our cat, has had an awful lot of fun with the Bunnies in our garden, particularly with the Baby Ones. Which seems awfully mean of him. But then again, he is a Cat. And that's what they Do.
Heave open Back Door, always quite a Feat, as is old and warped.
Daughter still under hedge, and still shouting.
Suddenly she emerges. Shouting momentarily stopped.
In her arms is a small, badly frightened and injured baby rabbit.
Daughter is in tears.
'Poor little thing,' she says. 'Bad Toby.'
At this point I am aware that I am wearing a small, light-blue T-shirt and a pair of rather racy knickers.
May I say that this is Highly Unusual.
For some Very Strange Reason, I had run out of the normal M & S knickers normally worn on an Ordinary sort of day. They had all Disappeared off the Face of the Earth. Not in drawer. Not in wash. Not on line. Not in Hot Cupboard. Not Bloody Anywhere. Had someone Eaten them?
So. Had to find Alternative Arrangements. It was Racy Lacy or Very Large Black Pants. Very large ones were tortuously tight and hot. Had rejected those in favour of something cooler.
Hence the Lacy Racy Pair I was Adorning.
Pulling T-shirt down and hoping the post man wouldn't make his appearance any minute, I made Sympathetic Noises re. the rabbit and suggested we put it somewhere quiet.
Gently lifted it from Daughter and carried it over the lawn.
Blood all over the T-Shirt. Hands. Daughter. Rather keen not to get it on Pants.
Rabbit then promply died.
Poor little thing.
Daughter cried.
Youngest and Middle Son came out to inspect the damage. Mildly astonished at my Attire.
'Mummy, why are you wearing no trousers?' sort of questions.
Replied rather tersely that had had no time to find trousers when Saving Rabbits.
We all helped lay rabbit under the beech hedge that surrounds the garden.
Poor little rabbit. It looked so tiny.
All felt rather sad.
Then we all trooped in to the house.
Toby was on the window sill in the kitchen, cleaning his paws and looking adorable.
Grrrrrr, we all said.
Phone rang.
Husband already at work.
'We've just saved a bunny but it died,' I told him.
Marvellous, he said.
Honestly. Husbands. Didn't bother telling him about the Racy Lacy knickers. Would have put him off his work and raised his blood pressure.
Washed head to toe...again... and made breakfast for everyone.
Where's Toby? asked Daughter.
Oh, Christ.
Out we all dash again... TOBEEEE,NOOOOOOO!

Can't wait for the Bloody Winter.


(Toby Himself...on top of the hedge, under which he inevitably finds his Rabbit Victims. )

26 comments:

Elaine said...

Snort. Very funny.

I had a rabbit chasing episode m'self (although properly clad, I must say) when neighbour's rabbit which we were looking after escaped. The humour of my episode derives from the fact that I was eight and a half months pregnant with child no 2, so was size of minor planet whilst leaping.

Corey Schwartz said...

I hate to laugh at that poor little Rabbit's expense, but hilarious post as usual!

MrsMama said...

We had similar issues at our house this Spring, only it was with our dog. We caught him snatching baby rabbits out of their nest and downing them like candy bars. Ugh! The kids were quite upset.

I think you should patent your outfit as Official Bunny-Saving Attire. At least then there would be a bright spot in all of this. ;)

Diane said...

Ugh. Our neighbor rescued one the other day and then gave it to me, knowing I love animals. I couldn't bear the thought of it dying on my watch, so I drove it nearly an hour to the wildlife rescue place. It's easier for them... they don't have to deal with little girl tears (or big girl tears).

Robynn's Ravings said...

It's the other white meat. Toby Toby - WHEN will you become a vegetartian? You truly ARE politically incorrect, you know. Don't the little soy rabbits look just as yummy?!

Pam said...

You need to write a book, seriously. I'd buy it. But the knickers thing I'm not buying. No one "accidently" runs into their garden in sexy ones, unless Brad Pitt lives next door?

Malc said...

Should Toby ever fancy a career change, we are currently recruiting for a third farm cat. Either that or we can ship as many rabbits as he likes down to your place.

Helen P said...

So funny and yet so sad! We have the cat problem - but baby birds not rabbits - but I don't have the knicker problem...

Ladybird World Mother said...

Elaine - glad to hear you were properly clad... albeit massively pregnant.. would LOVE to have seen that!
CS - Glad you got to giggle... despite the tragic end of the bunny... you'll be glad to hear that no more bunnies have gone the same way... yet.
MrsM - Oh, yuck! That is all too graphic.. will definitely get the patent for Bunny Saving Kit. Sounds like a very good idea. Need alternative one for winter though!
Diane - you brilliant person, driving all that way. What happened then? Its awful... nature and all. I always thought the countryside would be a peaceful haven... far from it. Death all over the place.
RR - Soy Rabbits!!! love it. Will try and sell it to him. He just might turn up his little ginger nose! x
Pam - I know, I know, it sounds highly implausible... but true! It wasnt until I was halfway across the damned garden that I realised the full impact of the Knickers. Obviously the sub-conscious wanted to let it all hang out... as it were.
Malc - Will pass it on to him. He is currently deliberating over job on Sandringham Estate as Farm Cat Manager. He has frightfully grand ideas. x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Helen P - sorry to miss you out... you cropped up as I wrote my comment! I hate it when I see poor little dead birds brought in by cats... Toby does get the odd one, but is more keen on his bunnies. Wretched cat. Relieved you dont have the knicker problem. You will be glad to hear that all the other pants have turned up! Hooray.

Valerie said...

I was just going to leave blogging for the day when I realised I hadn't sneaked a peek at yours. I'm so glad I didn't miss this one. I love your style, everything comes across as hilarious. Well done and thanks.

Maggie May said...

oh i HEAR you! we had- HAD- two rabbits, who unfortunately got out of their cage by some ingenous chewing, and our beagle chased em down and killed em. now we have six cats who run around eating lizards and other small creatures.

i like your blog! hello.

The Dotterel said...

You can make a lovely pie, though. Shall I send the recipe?

Debs said...

Crikey, how exhausting. Naughty Toby and poor bunny.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I've definitely done the dead baby rabbit gig myself. Terrible explaining death to a four year old. However, he seemed to understand it better than me.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

OOH! There are millions of rabbits around here. Please bring Toby! ;)

Maternal Tales said...

Ooh - he is a rather fine specimen!! We don't have rabbits here but the damn foxes and badgers have been keeping me awake for the last couple of nights with their awful yelps and squeals - can you send Toby this way please?? Tee hee on laceumy racy knickers. Love that bit... x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Valerie - oh what a lovely comment... thank you so much!
Maggie May - Lizards!! Now there's a tale... nice to see you too!
The D - yes, please... does it have cat in it?
Debs - exhausting is right... that bloomin cat and the bunnies he gets...
MJ - a very hard thing to do... death is something they either get, or dont... you must have explained it really well. Good on you!
Hadriana - he's on his way!! Nice to see you..
MT - do you know, I don't know what a badger sounds like... oh and glad you liked the knickers bit!!

cheshire wife said...

Will gladly have Toby here to sort out our rabbit population,

Sarah said...

Perhaps Toby could be entered for the Garden Pest photograph?
Our cat, Boxer, deposited small dead mouse on my flute case a little while ago. Shrieking noises ensued when I noticed. Husband most amused, rather too amused, in fact. But Boxer in good books having rid flat of total of 8 mice, and only one deposited as present.
Most disturbing rabbit moment was when neighbourhood fox found way in to rabbit run, resulting in decapitated rabbit and fox curled up on straw sleeping off the meal. Eugh.

Neas Nuttiness said...

I don't know how you do it, but your posts just keep getting funnier and funnier. Poor rabbit;-(

Ladybird World Mother said...

CW - how enormously kind. Can I put him on the 12.30 fast train arriving at 15.09? He likes dry food inside, and rabbits outside. Oh, and a lap to sleep in. Thanks CW!
Sarah - Eugh indeed!! How charming of the fox to not even show the slightest guilt. Sleeping indeed. Honestly. :)
NN - Oh, you are so nice! Keep coming back my friend!x

BT said...

Wonderful post, as ever!! You have a great way with words. We don't have rabbits. Only hares. Bigger than our cats!! lol. Poor bunnies. Our cats catch shrews. More their size. They then play with them for hours until they no longer move, then leave them. Bloomin' animals.

Ladybird World Mother said...

BT - thanks ever so!! Hares?? love them. None round here... thank god or Toby would have them. Aren't cats mean to shrews... honestly. X

SandyCalico said...

Hi, I found you at the BMB carnival.
Great post, so funny. Poor bunnies!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh am glad that you made it here!! I know, poor old bunnies. Another one this morning on door step...yuck. !