Saturday, 27 June 2009

This Mothering Lark

It amazes me how Motherhood is an ongoing lesson.
Never can I say, 'Yes, I am a Good Mother.'
Or if I do, I am in for a Little Shock.
Maybe.
Youngest came out of school yesterday. His hair was looking Shocking. Long and straggly, and unbrushed. Hedge and Backwards sprang to mind.
Informed him that we were going to get his Hair Cut.
Well.
I might as well have said we were going to perform Surgery on his Privates.
He ran, screaming, all round the garden, little face red with fury and indignation.
'I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MY HAIR CUT!' he yelled, over and over again.
I was appalled. Other people's children can do this, but not mine. AND we live next door to the school. I have to at least Look Like A Good Mother. For God's sake.
I tried to get him into the car and Away. Before teachers started looking out of windows and calling Social Services.
There were no big brothers or sister to distract him. Just Me. And Him.
Said in Very Loud Tones, across the expanse of lawn,
'Come To Me Now.'
Not on Your Nelly.
His face was all scrunched up and Furious.
'No.'
A little Louder.
'Come To Me NOW!'
'No.'
As I took a step towards him, he turned and fled round the back of the greenhouse.
I took after him. We went round and round the greenhouse a few times, with me getting more and more Irate.
'Come Here At Once!'
Hard to shout when you are Running Full Pelt.
Off he went, through the gap in the hedge, round the back of the house, and stopped, panting, by the shed.
Talk about Total Loss of Control.
Here was my five year old, running me round into tighter and tighter circles.
Forgoing any further speech (it hadn't done me much good so far) I marched up to him.
Off he went again, round the shed, past the raspberries, with me in hot pursuit.
I caught him by the Apple Trees. His roar of horror at being caught was so loud I cast nervous looks towards the school.
Marched him by the hand to the car.
Squished him into his car seat, to Much Protestation.
All the way to the Hair Dresser, a mere three miles away, Youngest sat and Muttered. Mummy is a Poo. I hate Mummy. Stooopid Mummy.
His arms crossed. Not a Happy Bunny.
Felt pretty damned Miffed myself, if truth be told.
Arrived and parked.
Took his hand and led him into Hairdresser.
A smiling lady took in the situation.
'Allo!' she said. Sounded Russian, and turns out she was.
'You look cross. Would you like a lollipop?'
Youngest looked even Crosser.
Lady continued to smile. Kind and jolly, she coerced him into a Huge Chair.
Asked me out of the corner of her mouth what I wanted done to the Mop.
Short back and sides I muttered back.
Sat down.
Pretended to read magazine.
Lady cut and snipped and smiled and laughed and questioned.
Youngest looking in mirror at himself and occasionally at me.
Still determined to be cross.
Hair comes off.
Smile comes back on.
Hair cut complete.
Out we come. Youngest looking considerably smarter.
Slips his hand into mine.
'Do I look cool?' he asks.
'Yup,' I say. Look glancingly in window and catch sight of self.
Hot. Red. Knackered.
'How about me, am I cool?' I ask him.
He doesn't bother looking. A smile lifts the side of his mouth.
'Nowooh,' he says in that curious Aussie lilt that English children like to copy.
'You're my Mum.'
And we walk hand in hand to the car.

I tell you, this Mothering Lark, it goes on a bit. Will someone Please Tell Me,
when the Bloody Hell do I get to pass the Exam?

27 comments:

Granny on the Web said...

I had battle after battle with just one of my three sons, by the time he was 14, I gave up and pretty soon, so did he, and shaved it all off.
I know what you mean, they look so scruffy ( in our eyes). I am glad he was pleased in the end though, with his cut.
I bet he secretly thinks his Mum is real cool.
Love Granny

Neas Nuttiness said...

I think that the Mothering Exam is award when you enter through the Pearly Gates!

Another riotously funny post!

trashalou said...

suggest you google 'Little Black Cardigan blog'. You might appreciate the degree she is awarding.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I'm not laughing AT you...

When someone gives you the answer, could you pass the info on to me???

Tatersmama said...

Sometimes I just wish we could eat our young.
There. I've said it.

Ladybird World Mother said...

oh my god I love blogging. Your comments have made me laugh out loud and I feel very cheered up. Thank you all! Eat my young! The very idea....

geraldgee said...

You clearly did!

geraldgee said...

pass that exam,not eat your young!

BT said...

Oh what a wonderful post! Children can run rings round you, can't they (and make you run round after them)? I'm so glad it ended well. Maybe he'd had a bad day! My Grandson used to hate having his hair cut (he's 4) but now he's 'all grown up' and doesn't cry anymore! They do make you laugh though.

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

When you find out let me know.

I do often think, young child and pesto, mmmmm

Valerie said...

Yes, it's been a long time since I read SUCH an entertaining blog... even though you were probably still fuming when you wrote it. Having been there and done that I know EXACTLY how you felt... and sympathise.

Pam said...

Hilarious post!
My toddler made me chase him up a full flight of stairs at a baseball game this past weekend. What I furiously whispered in his ear when I eventually caught him can't be said in good company.

NaomiG said...

Oh sister. I hear ya. Totally have been there. If they weren't so friggin cute we'd kill 'em, and not a jury would convict us.

Ladybird World Mother said...

gg - What?? I passed??!! Hooray!! Where do I get the Certificate, or is it a Degree, or PHd? I wish. ;)
BT - running rings about me is about right!! Very hot and bothered, we both were. Glad it wasnt a day like today!
Laura - pesto!! How delicious. With a hint of white wine. Mmm.
Will definitely tell you when I find out about the damned exam. Lot of course work, if you ask me. :)
Valerie - am glad that you have had similar experiences! Odd how all us parents seem to go through the same old rigmarole!
Pam- oh, how I would love to know what you whispered! Can have a very good guess though...;)
Naomi - yup, you've hit the nail on the head... they are just too cute. Dammit!

cheshire wife said...

At 18, my brother who had curly/wavy hair, went off to university threatening not to get his hair cut for three years. When his hair didn't seem to grow and just stuck out he gave up and had it cut. So I think that you have a few more years to go yet.

Maternal Tales said...

It most certainly is not easy this Mothering lark!! When I took my youngest to have her hair cut for the first time she ended up hitting the haidresser. Needless to say we haven't been back since!! There's an award for you over at mine btw x

Working Mum said...

I have two degrees but neither were as difficult as this! I don't think there is an exam, just continual assessment!

Robynn's Ravings said...

I believe we pass when we're dead. We're remembered ever so fondly then!

WONDERFUL, true-to-life post. My son is all clouds and sunshine, too. The ultimate dark/light day. Keeps life, er, exciting!

Catharine Withenay said...

Why don't they like having their hair cut? Personally, I love going to the hairdressers and would do it every week if funds allowed.

Thanks for another beautifully told story of motherhood: when you pass the exam, will you let me know the answers? Or is that cheating?

Ladybird World Mother said...

CW - bless his heart... trust hair not to grow when you want it to, and to grow like mad when you don't!
MT - !!! Think you need to blog about that one! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE AWARD. Thrilled to bits.
WM - continual assessment is about right. Worse than bloomin Ofsted, methinks. Hey, well done with not one but TWO degrees. Nice one. X
Robynn - Oh. Right. Have to be dead then. Dammit! Rather looking forward to picking up glory when alive. Oh, well, its been fun anyway! Lovely to hear from you... are you back now? XX
CW - I will let you know all the answers, if ever I learn the damned things! Agree with you whole heartedly about the hair dressing thing. I love going. Magazine, coffee and Me Time for ages. Bliss!!

HER ON THE HILL said...

...Never! My youngest still runs rings round me and my eldest is now starting to get embarrassed by me. Sigh.

But their hugs and the slip of the little hand into mine more than make up for the bad times.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I think the exam keeps getting harder. Sweet story. "You're my mum."

I would have cried. Thanks for sharing this.

Catharine Withenay said...

Me again!
I've left you an award on my blog - do call by and collect it sometime.
Just read this entry again - started laughing, again... !!
Thanks!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Her on the hill - I know, that slip of the hand heals everything...
MJ - I think you're right, cos its certainly not getting easier!
CW - Oh thank you so much... have got my lovely award AND put it up... now must pass it around. Thank you again!!XXX

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

You are living my life! Hairdressers, shoe shops, it's all the same hell.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Reasons to be cheerful 123 - oh god, I'd forgotton the shoe shops!! How hellish they are indeed. Glad you think so too...

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