Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Neanderthal Woman

It is Simply Not Fair.
Husband goes around with hairy armpits.
Hairy legs. Arms. Chest. Face.
(I am Exaggerating just a Tad here. But, worryingly, only a Little.)
Have Tennis lessons every Wednesday now. Lovely!
Have tennis skirt. This means.... summer legs Even in the Winter. Ker-ist.
So, what to do?
I can rip them out, shave 'em off, or use laser beams. However, therein lies the Problem. The darned old stuff Grows Back. Again.
And Again.
And Again.
Isn't this telling me something?
Like... it's supposed to be there?
Let's see, I have been shaving these legs of mine for over 30 years. Apart from that time in 1993 when I didn't have a boyfriend for two blissful years.
Hurray! I thought. No waxing! No shaving! I can sprout like an Afghan Hound. Weave plaits. As it were.
Heaven! Spent two whole winters with legs like Highland Cow. Marvellous, it was. Even had Hairy Toes.
Then, got Boyfriend.
Removed Each and Every Single Follicle from body. A Painful Purge.
Maintained Strict Epilation each week/day/month according to Hair Growth Speed.
Trimmed and plucked and tweezed and shaved and ripped.
For Pity's Sake.
Six months later was Dumped by Boyfriend.
Apparently he felt that it Wasn't Going Anywhere.
Within three days was like New Forest Growth. Everywhere.
Stubble Galore. Would have had Beard if could.
Then got another boyfriend.
Frenzied Epilation.
Excessive Hair Growth Followed.
A Definite Pattern here, methinks.
Am now Married with Husband who really doesn't care less about hairy legs or armpits. Seems to notice when hair is Removed. But no complaints about not being able to find me through the Forestry that surrounds the more Intimate Places.
Well, he knows the way by now, doesn't he? No need for sign posts yet.
I think I have a Plan.
Which is.
To wear Even More Clothes.
Huge, voluminous, fleecy, tracky bottoms.
Will Steer Clear of tights. Unless legs are Hair Free, the long bits come through, don't they, girls? Maddening. Not Attractive, when sitting with legs neatly together and Hairy Growths are seen Lurking under the Beige Tan of your Panty Hose Hold Ups.
Will simply wear socks up to the Armpits.
Until next Spring.
When the Neanderthal Man Things that are my legs will once more be Epilated.

So Marvellous to get these things sorted.


family affairs said...

With any luck - the hursuit look will be in for next spring/summer. I myself am enjoying the luxury of letting hairy bits roam freely and joyfully over body until body can no longer be found. No boyfriend. HOORAY. PS. Am hoping you can answer my ladybird problem - what does it mean if I have lots in my house? Do you think it's just confirming that I am being a good mother and staying at home more with my children owing to lack of boyfriend? I hope so. Lx

Vicus Scurra said...

First of all, sorry to be picky, but your friend family affairs should know that the word is "hirsute", unless she comes from Merseyside, where "hursuit" refers to particularly bizarre attire.

You will be pleased to know that I have no opinion on your bodily hair. I hadn't even noticed.

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Trousers. Every step of the way until the time comes to bare legs to the open air again.

Sir Bruin said...

My hair seems to be relocating from the top of my head to my nose and ears. If you think you have problems, you have clearly never shaved your nostrils.

Mwa said...

Absolutely. Yes.

Kathy G said...

Thanks for my morning laugh!

My legs itch when they're not hairless, so I still shave 'em once a week or so in the cold weather, but I don't have to worry about if I got all the stray hairs, because they don't show under pants.

Anonymous said...

I thought woolly tights were the answer. Until the hairs started to poke thorough the tights.

Not pretty....

Pam said...

You have nice legs! - that is you on the front page isn't it?
You could get away with those tight pants runners wear with little hooks under feet to stop them ridning up your calf and exposing yuor hairly legs. Just a thought. I always think sweat pants looks scruffy.

martine frampton said...

Have not shaved my legs in 25 years. Go on be daring, give it a go. Just making a rod for your own back getting so neurotic about body hair. Once read article in teen mag saying under arm hair was unhygienic!! I wrote them a bolshy complaining letter but guess they did not publish it.
thanks for sharing

geraldgee said...

Struck unusually dumb on this subject xx

Troy said...

Well it could be worse - you could be self-conscious about all your body hair.

wonderwoman said...

leggings could be the answer, although possibly not for tennis - do they do white ones?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"But no complaints about not being able to find me through the Forestry that surrounds the more Intimate Places"

Hahahahaha! Funny how that evolves, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

My wife works on the same theory that you're now adopting. What she saves on razor time she loses in washing all those extra clothes.

Still she's happy.

Hairy - but happy.

Alix said...


Your words kind of drip right into perfect placement! What style. What fabulous wit.

You so crack me up.

Leilani Lee said...

Ha! In another 20 years or so, you might notice that your body hair is starting to disappear but but will magically reappear on your face.

Tattie Weasle said...

Every now and then I become aware that I am a tad hairy but never in winter - always wear jeans marvellous invention. When going out though will get an attack of the guilts and DO somthing about it. Dear Charlie has yet to comment upon this....but I think you have a worrying point!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, am so glad that others sort of hide too. I love the 'hirsuit' look from family affairs... the spelling is just fab!!
And how do you know I havent shaved my nostrils, Sir B??! Crikey, am glad am not man.
And yes, Mud... not a good look to have those hairs coming through thick woolly tights!! oh, god the visual is bad. Bad.
Oh, and ideas from Pam for underhooking pants under feet... now you're talking.
And who hasnt shaved legs for 25 years?? You rock, MF.
Oh, and yes it IS me in the picture above... without hairs because its SUMMER.
(GG you are forgiven for being struck dumb... its all those visuals, isnt it. Poor love)
Thanks for all those lovely comments and SORRY for this rushed QUICK LETS GET THE CHILDREN FED BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.
Too late for what? Not sure. Just too late. Ok?
Kisses you'all.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Just wait till you find your hair migrating to the top of your shoulders...

cheshire wife said...

I am sure that men do not notice this little problem nearly as much as we think they do.

Lakeland Jo said...

I never have to shave my legs- I am just naturally hairless on my legs and arms. its bliss- my girl friends all hate me with a passion.

elizabethm said...

I like the answer of extra clothes, although you might not need quite so many if the hair growth is thick enough? What I don't get is that my husband insists that wearing trousers wears the hair off in certain places. Why have I never been able to make good use of this?

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!! The joys of being a woman, huh? This whole post just made me laugh and laugh and laugh.. I can soooo relate.. I go thru this whole thing with my dr. appts. on the off chance that I actually get a young, gorgeous, tv doc instead of the true to life, 90 yr. old, can barely see docs I usually get! Lol..
Thanks for popping in on my blog, you are always welcome!=)

Ladybird World Mother said...

KM - oh god... that would be bad... so glad am not a man. x
CW - oh, I do so hope that you are right!! In which case, why on earth do we do it in the first place!
LJ - OK, I liked you, I really did. Now...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DONT HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS????!!!! You are a truly blessed woman and I wish, I wish, that I were you. xx
elizabethm - why do men think that by wearing trousers that your hairs wear off??! My dad is a farmer and wears wellies the whole time...and his legs are bare from the knee down.. so funny. Doesnt bloody work for me though!
WITM Raw - so nice to see you! glad you had a giggle at my endeavours... hope you get a young gorgeous doc one day... will be a rocking good post!

Tatersmama said...

The whole "Huge, voluminous, fleecy, tracky bottoms" thing? We need to invent some that have sandpapery stuff on the insides, so that your lower half simply gets exfoliated and de-haired as we walk and sit around the house.
So when we take them off, we're as hairless and smooth as a newborn babies bum.
Oh, but I think I would still wear my knickers whilst wearing the sandpaper trackies.

But at my age? Now I just wear caftans in summer... and save the shaving for the upper lip and sprouting chin hairs areas.

London City Mum said...


And here I was thinking only I had a hairy leg problem!

Award for you over at mine.