Tuesday, 14 April 2009

We Are Not Amused. Grrrrrr.

You haven't been subjected to a Poo Story for quite some time. Not since this.
Here is another one. Need to get it out of system, as it were.
Anyway.
Was wandering about. You know. Holidays.
Tend to wander from room to room thinking about what I should do and not really getting on with anything much.
Had drifted from Daughter's room (neat) to Middle Son's room (not neat) when was Struck by Smell.
Yup. We've been here before, haven't we?
Went, gingerly, to Upstairs Loo. Lid Down. But Very Ominous Smell.
Lifted the seat.
Could not Believe the Carnage.
WHO HAS BEEN IN THIS LOO? I roared.
Sorry! came a little cry.
That tiny word said it all.
A child had, god bless him, tried to Unblock the Loo on his Own.
Disaster.
So... marigolds, buckets and Toilet Duck armed, rolled up my sleeves and got on with the cleaning.
Eeerrrgghhhh.
Good job done and all. Left the now Twinkling Bathroom Facility and wandered along to the other loo upstairs. Whistling a Cheery Little Tune (choon, as they say on Myspace) lifted up lid.
Carnage. Again.
This time ROARED.
Heard, again, very small voice.
Sorreee, Mum!
Could NOT BELIEVE that one child could, with One Bottom, have created such Appalling Mess of such Disastrous Proportions in such a Short Time.
Found him, downstairs.
Come here, I instructed, in Stern Tones. He looked a little bit worried.
Next time you need the loo, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CLEAN IT WITH LOO BRUSH. Yes?
OK, he said. Was only Trying To Help.
I know, I said. But Just Don't.
Are you ill? I asked him, concerned.
Oh,no! he said. Just do Big Poos.
Right, I said. Somewhat Surprised by Frankness.
Went into Downstairs Loo. Peered anxiously into Pan.
Slap Me Vitals.
MORE.
ROARED AGAIN.
Was Not Amused. It Was Not Funny At All.
Child came out of kitchen.
'Oh, he said. That wasn't me, it was Dad.'
And wandered off.
Mutter. Mutter. Marigolds. Toilet Duck. Bucket. Loo Brush. Mutter.
WHY ME?

20 comments:

Diane said...

Holy crap (no pun intended), that was funny! Had me laughing and choking out loud. There is NOTHING better than a good poo story. Have you ever read David Sedaris? In his book of essays, "Me Talk Pretty One Day" there is one called, 'Big Boy' (I think)... I was crying, it was so funny... you'd love it!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Just read it!! ( am that busy) What a hoot... the sort of situation we all kind of get into and just do Not put into words...!!!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Never a dull moment in your house. Why is it, mum's are always the ones to do the cleaning!

CJ xx

Sir Bruin said...

I hope you cleaned them all properly and didn't just go through the motions.


(sorry)

Robynn's Ravings said...

You get the crappiest jobs! I feel your pain but am truly glad I don't smell it! Funny, I was just contemplating cleaning the bathroom this morning. You have given me renewed committment. :)

Word Verification: biggica

That is a really BIGGI ca(ca)! (What we called it growing up. I have no idea why.)

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Men and boys, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Neas Nuttiness said...

With 10 kids and 14 grandchildren...we've dealt with many "loo" extravaganzas! Husband bought a "plumbers snake". It was worth it's weight in "poo".

I've gotta forward this post to the husbands email!

Mud in the City said...

It is obviously genetic!

Ladybird World Mother said...

CJ - absolutely never dull...had to do same procedure today! Unbelievable.
Sir B - !! oh, how I wish I had called this post going through the motions...
Robynn - hope that bathroom of yours got a proper cleaning. Would come and do it myself if it didnt take so long to get there... XX
Reasons - I know, difficult, isn't it... somehow, though, I WILL pass on the skill of leaving the loo as you find it... oh, dammit. Thats what they are doing now...
NN - I absolutely have to have a plumber's snake!! Will google for one after this comment!!
Mud - Whatever it is, it requires an awful amount of Toilet Duck. (who on god's earth made up that name??! concept??!) good luck for the marathon. You rock!

Exmoorjane said...

Have to concur - love a good poo story myself..and that is a cracker. Men are normally inordinately proud of their evacuations, don't you find?
Thank you for lovely comment on mine - you really should try to get to Blackden - it is very special indeed. Apparently, the TV adaptation of the Owl Service paid for the Garners to put in a septic tank (to continue the poo theme)....

Suburbia said...

poor thing! You must be feeding them well!!!

elizabethm said...

I think I might have had to leave home! You are a heroine of legendary proportions. sorry, even that sounds somehow rude after that story!

Maternal Tales said...

Like Father like son!! It always amazes me how little people can do such big poos. I mean seriously - when inside it must take up the whole of their interior space. Astounding. And yes, I liked the 'going through the motions' pun as well. Made me chuckle.

Rima said...

Ha! So funny! Such are the problems inherent in having three loos!

Catharine Withenay said...

As usual, I have laughed and laughed! Thank you for this... I am now grateful that my children do no cleaning or tidying, at all, ever, if they can possibly help it!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Jane - nothing quite beats a good poo story, eh. Thrilled to hear about septic tank...! (that place sounds so magical... I wonder if you can re-visit it?)
Suburbia- feeing them very well indeed by the look of it!
Elizabeth - how very kind of you to think so! Was feeling somewhat heroic myself...
MT - totally agree! Wonder this too when looking down into lavatory and see such ENORMOUS things there.
Rima - AHA If I only had one loo... now you have given me something to think about!
CW- Yup. A child 'helping' sometimes makes a lot more mess. Believe me!

NaomiG said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I would have been mad, but since it's someone else... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

BT said...

What have you been feeding these boys? Raw bran?? Too much roughage?? I couldn't help laughing though. I had a similar story with our loo, which was blocked. We had to lift up a cracked stone outside and the whole pipe was wall to wall poo!!! My dear husband volunteered to do it and scooped away like billeo until it had all gone. 'We can do poo' he said!!

Tatersmama said...

You can't get too mad at him.
If he's filled up with poos like that, it's obviously taking up much needed brain processing space and afterwards, there's a bit of a vacuum thing going on.

I removed the toilet brush from the childrens bathroom, but then found that they had used an old toilet roll to *scrape* the overflow with... and then they just threw it in the bin.
*URP*

Ladybird World Mother said...

URP indeed!! Nice new word for me to use in future posts... thanks my friend!