Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Bingo Wings

Am delighted. Do not have Bingo Wings.
Might have Flabby Tummy, Saggy Bosoms and Flat Arse But do Not Have Bingo Wings.
(Yes. F.L.A.T Arse.)
Might have Crows Eyes, a Bikini Line to scare off an Orangatan, and a Mono-brow, but Do Not Have Bingo Wings.
Might even have Crepey Armpits.
But Do Not Have Bingo Wings.
Might have Tummy Button that resembles Bagel.
But Don't Have Bingo Wings. (Mothers, try it with yours... Make a ring with your two hands over your navel... and squeeze lightly. There! Gorgeous or what. What, I think.)
Could Go On and On here. Will stop now. Beginning to get Rather Depressed when originally so Pleased.
Found out about Not Having Bingo Wings in bath today. Was wallowing. It being the holidays and all.
You see, while lying ill in bed for Two Days had watched a lot of Toss on Telly. One Thrilling Programme was all about Bingo Wings. And how Michelle Obama doesn't have any. And she's 44. Blah blah blah.
So, while in bath this morning, did the Michelle Obama Arm Wave. Jiggled my arms for all they were worth. Waved to the shampoo and the toothpaste. Waved to the Toilet Duck. Positively dislocated arm waving at Hair Removal Cream and Nail Polish Remover.
Triumph. Firm as a Builder's Bum, they were. (A Fit Builder's Bum. Not those really flabby, white ones. Yeerrch.)
Good, isn't it!
Will now take to wearing sleeveless tops and waving to people.
Hello! I will yell across the playground/car park/fields/parties.
And wave. Repeatedly.
Because you have to Show Off your Advantages. Or Advantage, in my case.
Meanwhile will hide Breasts, Bottom, Armpits, Navel and Eyebrow.
Sleeveless Burka?
Sleeveless Kaftan?
With Visor Cap?
I'll think of something.
(Sleeveless Wet Suit?)


The Dotterel said...


Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

I have just taken the Ladybird World Mother Bingo Wing Test ... the official one.

Husband looked at me like I was barking. I am barking. Children looked at me and carried on as normal. See, barking.

I do not YET have bingo wings.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I have all of the above. AND bingo wings. I only popped by to thank you for following me, and now I'm thoroughly depressed. ;)

Ladybird World Mother said...

The D - congratulations!
Laura - I am impressed... I think that lifting children prevents the Bingo Wings! I shall have to adopt more when Youngest is too big to carry. Glad your children pay no attention to extraordinary behaviour too...
Morethanjustamother - now then, now then... just think about your Inner Beauty (!?) And surely the soles of your feet are OK? No? Oh dear. How about neck? will find something I swear!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Waving at you from California with my Bingo Wings! But I DO have lovely feet. Wonder when THAT will be the thing? Probably when my feet get ugly!

Troy said...

Suggest you make special costume that is head to foot like a pretend tree trunk. Then you can have your wonderful arms sticking out like two branches. You would have to learn to shuffle walk like Morticia in the Addams Family. Hope this is helpful.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Well my concern is necks. I am on my second expensive neck cream (my mum's 'went' early am taking no chances) and am allergic to both. Now have red, blotchy potentially saggy neck. Will take to wearing sleevless polo perhaps.

Catharine Withenay said...

Had a look in the mirror. Double chin threatening.

Trying to smile. Makes it worse...

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha! I have bingo wings. I'm Jewish... we're born with them.

Maternal Tales said...

Rub it in why don't you!

Tatersmama said...

I'm afraid to say that lifting children does not prevent Bingo Wings. At least for me.
I bench press 7 of them on a daily basis, push double pushers and a wheelchair at the same time and still... In a power outage, I can use my Bingo Wings to fan and cool short people.
Sweep crumbs off the benchtops, etc.

I came here for a laugh and I got one.
You've got my body!!!

Elaine said...

Am now snorting with laughter whilst taking body inventory:

Bagel tummy button - absolutely. The Wreck of the Hesperus is as naught compared to the Wreck of my 3 x post-natal abdomen...

Saggy bosoms - am hanging in there on this one. Thank heavens for the t-shirt bra which allows me to deceive myself a little longer.

Bikini line - probably, yes, if I ever got round to checking. I find that not having a full length mirror saves a lot of such worries.

Bingo wings - I have a dear friend who only ever uses the Bingo Wing Wave - the one when you raise your right hand to earlobe height, bend your fingers to the horizontal, then move them up and down by 20 degrees in either direction.

Just in case you ever develop them, this is the Way Forward.

Or, alternatively, at least fifteen hours a week with a petrol mower over the summer months, by which time you will have the triceps of a young Claude Van Damme.


Have just started on calcium tablets so as not to develop hereditary Dowager's Hump.


Diane said...

Well, crap. Now I have something ELSE to be self-conscious about it. Thanks for that.

Oh, and if I haven't mentioned it before, I do love the style in which you write your posts. Love it!

Pam said...

I have bingo wings and avoid sleeveless tops at all costs. I have big bossoms though, which has got me far in life

family affairs said...

I find those sleeveless polo neck jumpers work best - that and carrying my 16 year old son around at all times Lx

Anonymous said...

For a really big night of showing off I suggest you partake of a Mexican wave.

You will leave the crowd in awe at your lack of bingo wings!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Robynn - Oh, you have lovely feet?? Mine are simply ghastly and have to go mad in April (AAARRGGHH thats now...) to get them ready for summer. Next post maybe???!
Troy - You are just too brilliant. A tree costume! Branches! All sins hidden and arms on display. Superb. Where are my scissors and sticky back plastic I wonder...
Reasons to be cheerful 123 - sleeveless polo a very good idea for necks of Turkey Proportions... not that you have that At All. Or perhaps one of those collars dogs wear when having operation and mustnt scratch?? Could take on, you reckon?
CW - Oh dear. How about have very small mirror, so can just see eyes? ;)
CS - Wow... aha! I'm a catholic so thats why I've got knobbly knees... from all that kneeling? Yeh. Now I know..
MT - Now then, all I will rub in is a little Vit E cream... does wonders... although crap for Stretch marks...
Tatersmama - !!! Sweeping crumbs!! So funny. Will now have chuckle about all the other things bingo wings can do... :)
Elaine - Aha... petrol mower... now that is definitely the way forward, although prefer to sit on ours. Does that count? LOVED all your comparisons!!!
Diane - Oh no... do not want to instill self doubt and all. Perhaps you have lovely eyes, ears, nose, toes, hip?!
Pam - There you go... big bosoms will work every time. Who needs anything else!
FA - This does seem to be the way to go... sleeveless polos... down to ankles though. Do they do a full length one?!
Mud - Mexican Wave!! My favourite. Once did them endlessly at Centre Court Wimbledon... kept standing up while talking to neighbour as wave came round. After while didnt really notice when was doing it... great fun. all the better for no Bingo Wings!

Neas Nuttiness said...

Tragically, I have Jumbo Jet Bingo Wings. But if I'm ever lost in the forest on a cold night...they will come in handy to fan the fire - so I'll stay toasty warm ;-)

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

I hope you watched The Pprentice tonight ... The Bingo Buster!

Ladybird World Mother said...

NN - there you go... always good to look on the bright side!
Laura - I did see it! Laughed my head off... shame they lost... what a market there seems to be out here!

Anonymous said...

Guess I need to do something. Quick.

CJ xx

Ladybird World Mother said...

Do not panic. All in Same Boat. Dammit.

NaomiG said...

Thanks for you comment on my blog today, that was totally fun to get! I might have bingo wings. I like to think that folks are so blinded by my brilliant smile they can't see them. Boy, that paints a pretty picture.

Twiglet said...

We watched The Apprentice and husband nearly got head bitten off for suggesting I might have bingo wings -( The rest of me might be a bit saggy but I do NOT have bingo wings!!)

Scrimcat said...

Yippee I don't have bingo wings either!

However do have a muffin top from eating to many muffins!

It must have been putting all the bottles in the recycling bin that kept them away for you!