Thursday, 30 April 2009

Inappropriate Giggles. Again.

Spent the most Appalling evening last Friday at the Annual Road Safety and Travelwise Quiz, County Final.
Went with Middle Son and a few other children from our school, plus parents, traipsing down to a nearby seaside town.
Had to arrive at 5.45.
Were told that Final wouldn't start until 7.00pm and that we could leave our children there for Registration while we went for coffee.
Yippee! we said.
Until we left venue. Looked up the road. Looked down the road. Looked round the corner and round the next one.
Middle of nowhere.
Coffee would be difficult.
In the Impossible Bracket, perhaps.
Wandered the grim streets until we found pub.
In desultory sort of way bought drinks and chatted for the hour we had to kill.
Back we went. Dragging our feet and Sulking.
And there the fun Really Started.
Waited for twenty five minutes in 'Foyer'. Hideous decor. Nothing to do.
Began to feel desperate with Boredom and the evening hadn't even started. Read small adverts for Car Valeting and Pizzas on grubby notice board in corner.
Had a mint. Jenny had brought some.
Finally were let in to Assembly Rooms.
Sounds grand?
Walked down aisle to find our seats. Those sort of seats that Snap Shut like a vice if you stand up, trapping tender flesh of thighs.
Sat down firmly in seats. Louise, on my right, began to have Serious Giggle Fit, when Simply Vast Individual sat down in front of her. Her view was Totally Obscured. She had to lean on my knee to see the stage. So she did. For remainder of evening.
A series of Very Dull Women went up on stage and proceeded to talk about Road Safety, Schemes, Partnerships, Leaderships, Forums.
Every one of them thanked all the rest of them. Someone else got up and thanked them all again. Someone else thanked all of us. Someone else thanked all the children.
We were prepared to Eat Our Feet with Boredom.
And then, finally, the Quiz Began!
Huge screens on either side of the theatre had the questions on them.
But, just in case we couldn't read, the Quiz master read them out.
Very. Very. Slowly.
100 children on stage had pads in their hands on which were letters A B C and D. Had to press the right one for each question.
Audience participation Nil.
Watched children pressing pads for an hour and a half.
Best Night Out Ever.
However, Howled with Laughter in Interval.
Quite a Dull Man got up on the stage. With the microphone.
Our bottoms were Numb with sitting so long on Hateful Seats.
We had run out of mints, our only fuel since lunch, and were beginning to find nothing to laugh about.
But then it all changed.
Our Dull Man spoke.
'Well,' he said, smiling Broadly. 'I think that we can all agree that this evening has been a Lot Of Fun.'
We fell apart with the most Appalling Bout Of Giggles.
Tissues were passed up and down the row. Louise on right was beside herself. Tears pouring down her face, she struggled to compose herself for a good ten minutes. Jenny, on my left, did her dirty old man laugh, wheezing and chuckling. Carolyn, at the end, kept us topped up with more giggles as she passed comments down the row, like she was handing out sweets.
Torture it was.
At least fifteen minutes passed before we had all settled back into the Stupor of Boredom once more.
Occasionally one of us would have a mini Laughette as we recalled the Fun.
Finally, finally, the evening was Done.
Lots of people, the same ones, got up on the stage again and thanked us all, and each other once more.
We all found our bags and waited until we could move.
Shock. Horror.
Prize Giving.
Hell would be more interesting.
Row after row of children went up to collect simply Enormous Cups.
Flash! Photos! Hooray!
Needless to say, our children didn't win a Thing.
Some twenty two minutes later, after more thanks and congratulations, we were Allowed to Go.
Just a fifteen minute wait for our children to move from stage to foyer. And then Glorious Home.
Never has the sight of my bed been so appealing.
Never have I been more relieved to see my Husband.
On tucking up Middle Son, three hours after his normal bed time, I asked him,
'So, darling, did you enjoy yourself?'
'Yeah, cool,' he said, as he plugged in his thumb, and turned over on his side.
I left his bedroom speechless.
Sometimes, words do fail me.
Middle son thought that evening of Complete Hell was Cool.
Must take him o the Annual Knitting Competition one day.
See what he thinks of that.


Diane said...

I love those kind of giggles. I got put out of church when I was a kid for having them. But YOU try to sit quietly when the old man across the aisle farts. Just try.

Elaine said...

'prepared to eat our feet with boredom' - love it!

I also have a mental image in these situations of being a wild animal in a trap, prepared to gnaw off own limb in order to escape...

geraldgee said...

Love it and Diane's comment was icing on the cake.

Catharine Withenay said...

Oh heck - I've got all of this to come...

Maternal Tales said...

What a great post. A 'mini laughette'. Love it. I bet you didn't think for one second that such a hideously boring evening would make such a good blog post. Testament to your writing skills! Well done x

Troy said...

I guess the most scary bit is the word "Annual".
(Great post - worth waiting a fortnight for).

imbeingheldhostage said...

Well the evening wasn't boring for me-- I loved getting the replay of it :-)

BT said...

Oh I have laughed so much at this post, I can just imagine you trying and failing to stifle the giggles! Love the 'mini laughette'!! You have a way with words and I loved this post.
Knitting competition? Oh no, that would be far too exciting for him!!

Pam said...

You deserve "Mother of the Year Award" for sitting through that torture. I think he owes you at least two cups of tea in bed.

The Dotterel said...

Cool post! (Nothing's ever useless to a blogger...)

Mud in the City said...

Brilliant. There is nothing like a bout of the giggles to make the most adult of us feel like a child again. And thank goodness for that!

Vicus Scurra said...

I trust that you have had time to reflect, and realise that the issue of road safety is not a giggling matter. What kind of example is this to set to your children? Next time, you girls will be split up, and if there is any repetition you will sit in the corner.

Sir Bruin said...

Love your description of the evening. have been there and done that (years ago). Am so glad that it was you and not me.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Diane - omg, would have been Very Badly Behaved with old men farting here, there and everywhere!! Wonderful!
Elaine - wild animal is so so true!! We were caged in that awful place with no escape route!
gg - wasnt it just... have such a giggly picture of farting man... shame we didnt have any of those last friday...
CW -Yup! Take large quantities of drink, or snacks... plus hidden DVD player would have been godsend!
MT - isn't it great that Really Boring things are such fun to write about!! Hurray for blogging!
Troy - you said it!! Apparently I have to go next year too. Already have feelings of dread...
imbeingheldhostage - thank you!! glad that a little bit of good came out of such a dreadful time!!
BT - it is all worth it for such lovely comments! Thanks hugely...X
Pam - I think so too... cups of tea in bed sound just the ticket. I shall suggest it to him... nice one!
The D - you are so right... there is blogging material in just about ANYTHING!
Mud - I just love a good giggle... it was almost worth it on this occasion...but ten minutes giggle for 5 hours seems a little short on the fun!! How are you after that marathon??XXXX
VS - we needed you there to give us some stern looks to make us giggle more. Will you come next year?!
Sir B - I bet you are just so glad it was me and not you! I shall be ever so gleeful when its not me anymore.

Scrimcat said...

Maybe next year it could be your husbands turn?

Robynn's Ravings said...

Nothing better and more horrifying than giggles that cannot be stopped. And the sounds that escape during the stifling process are all the worse! Thanks for the giggle here just thinking about it. Glad you are not dead from boredom or we would miss OUR giggles from YOU! Cool!

Expat mum said...

The Annual what? God - I think I'd have banned my kids from ever getting involved in that in the first place.
Great post though. (My word verification is "herse".)

Kevin Musgrove said...

Better you than me: I'd have started making quiet fart noises just to get my friends giggling.

Neas Nuttiness said...

This soooooooo reminds me of the years and years we attended All County Orchestra. One can only stand so much...sometimes as many as six groups of second graders playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...went from chewing feet to pulling out hair - just with it could have been the 2nd graders instead of my own.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Scrimcat - now that is a Brilliant Idea!! Will make sure that happens. Thanks for that!
Robynn - horrifying is just the word!! Even through those awful snufflings and choking was the thought that we were behaving Very Badly. But just could not stop those giggles... oh dear.x
Expat mum - you are wiser than the four of us put together... we just thought that it couldnt be Too Bad and that we would all sit together and it would be Alright. WRONG!!!!
KM - quiet farting noises from me the next time I go somewhere like that! And I shall blame you... that OK?!
NN - oh, dear, yes. I have sat through such evenings. Worse if you have a programme so that you know how much more hell you have to sit through...!X

Far Side of Fifty said...

You can make the most boreing of situations sound funny! I love your humor! :)

Tatersmama said...

Oh girl... I've MISSED you!
This has me disolving into giggles just reading it... And the gnawing off your own feet comment? Been there. Done that.
But the knitting competition? Honey, I think he miht find that a tad *too* stimulating!

Vicus Scurra said...

Just read your reply.
Be sure to invite me. I will be cross if you don't.
I won't cross dress though - you will have to accept my butchness.