Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Loose Women

Last week spent One Hundred Hours making up a One Minute Video to send in to the programme Loose Women to become their next Loose Woman Presenter.
Put my camera at Eye Level in cupboard where I keep my tea and coffee. Balanced it between Coffee Beans and Teabags. Just in front of Drinking Chocolate and Tick Tock Tea.
Looked Beguilingly into camera.
Decided to pretend to be having cup of tea.
Waved mug about.
Had a go (or twenty) with Video camera.
Decided not to pretend to have cup of tea as looked as if I was spilling tea Everywhere.
Chatted Nonchalently to Camera.
Quite a Few Times Really.
Decided not to be chatting Nonchalently to Camera as Looked Ridiculous.
Thought about Meaningful Message.
Then spouted on about Meaningful Message.
Quite a Lot of Times.
Decided not to have Meaningful Message as Sounded Ridiculous.
Put make up on and brushed hair.
Had a Few More Goes in front of camera.
Put glasses on. Took glasses off.
Put hair up. Took hair down again.
Took make up off.
Put make up back on again.
Put dress on. Took dress off again.
Decided on jeans and t-shirt.
Decided not to have jeans and t-shirt.
Put on little cardigan and jeans.
By this time was a little Fed Up with all this Palaver.
So put camera into gear and went for it.
One minute Exactly.
Looked Simply Marvellous! Sounded Brilliant! Bound to Win!
Raced over to computer and Expertedly Imported my video.
Had another look at it.
Brilliant! So Amusing! Hooray!
Uploaded Video to send it off to Loose Women, with Witty Little Note to make them Giggle. Had plenty of time. Deadline was at 6.00pm. It was only 2.00pm!
Didn't work.
Silly Me, must have done something wrong!
Had another Little Look at video.
Such Fun! Doesn't my hair look nice!
Tried again.
Didn't Bloody Work.
Tried Again.
Sod this Damned Stupid Bloody Thing.
Tried again.
Tried for Three Hours. Solid.
Swore. Said some Incredibly Rude Words.
Then had to leave to go to Simply Ghastly
Road and Travel Safety Annual Sodding Bollocks Let's Bore Your Buttocks Off Evening.
Lovely Babysitter arrived to give tea to Sulky Children.
Grabbed her by arms as she entered house. Beseeched her in Babbling Mad Tones to please send an Email With Attachment for me.
She nodded sweetly.
'Course I can,' she said, smiling at me. Left her in front of computer, pressing keys with Great Competence.
Filled with Optimism I left.
Spent next hour on phone to Babysitter.
Not sure what's going wrong, she would say.
Damn. Bum. Shit. Bollocks. I would say.
'Just a minute, she said, about fifty minutes later. 'I will ring my dad. He is in charge of IT company. Ring you back!'
Marvellous, I thought. How Brilliant! Problem Solved!
She rang back.
'He's not there.'
Finally, at 5.59 pm we gave up.
All my friends at the Ghastly Evening were gutted too.
'Send it in the morning!' they said,
'Let's take it up in car tomorrow!'
And that Sort of Thing.
Heartened by Kindness of Friends I resolved to send it later, even though deadline was Dead and Buried.
Video never got there.
Tried Several More times with great deal of Swearing and Angry Gesticulation.
Finally gave up around midnight, after Simply Ghastly Evening was over.
Rather Annoying Really.
However, had Fond Look at video the next day.
Horrified by Hair. Make up. Jeans and cardigan. Speech. Face. Everything.
Thank Goodness I never sent it, I thought, chuckling to self.
Yesterday snuck another Look.
Bloody Hell. It was actually Quite Good. Laughed Heartily at it. Feeling Slightly Silly for doing so.
Well. Will just have to have Another Go next time.
And take the damned thing up by Horse if necessary.
Technology! Pah! I spit in its face.
Apart from Blogging.
Of course.


Anonymous said...

Oh no! I'd vote for you!

I'm impressed you can video yourself without cringing, I remember the 1st time at school when we had to tape our voices and listen back to them. I sounded like a precocious BBC presenter - ghastly. Haven't been able to stomach it since!

Mum Gone Mad said...

Arrrgh! Nightmare, how disappointing! Hope they do it again and you get another go x

Exmoorjane said...

That is so wrong.
I am impressed beyond anything that you can actually do a video. I once had the horror of getting a message from Oprah's 'people' asking for my 'showreel'. Spluttered into coffee and found something I'd taped of me on some godforsaken morning chat show but in UK format so no good.
I still remember that moment when I kissed my millions goodbye thanks to being hopeless with technology. There is a message thre somewhere.

Maternal Tales said...

There must be a way you can still send it (with a link to your blog so they can see you tried to get it to them on time). I bet it's fab. Don't give up - send it. SEND IT!!

Funny though!


geraldgee said...

Did you try kicking the computer?
Works with me.

Boz said...

Are you absolutely sure that spending time in the presence of Carol 'Gubbins' McGiffin is part of a productive future..?

Mum's the word said...

Oh no.....I would have definitely voted for you.
You put in a valiant effort!

Troy said...

Can you upload the video to this blog? Or onto Youtube?

We Would All Love To See It.

You've also got me thinking - perhaps I should audition for a loose woman. Sounds fun and a good way to pass the morning when Mrs Troy is at work!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Mud - Cringed rather a lot... but final video was much improved... you should have seen those first efforts!
Mum gone mad - will definitely have a go...if only for the blog I can write afterwards!
Jane - OPRAH!!! OMG. Pause. For silent reflection in presence of such Important Person. And your damned video wasnt compatible!!! AAARRRRGGGHHH. Next time I will take it in person for you....XX
MT - I know, I know!! I have thought about it, for about a millisecond... but they have already picked 25 people... its all Too Late! Never mind. I had fun...
GG - Now thats it! Dammit, didnt think of doing that. Will try next time, I promise!
Boz - you are quite right... that was the downer. Do you think she really thinks all she says, or just wants to fill the silences??!
Mums the word - thank you very much!! Next time I'll let you know... if I can be arsed to do all that again...!
Troy - but then you will all know how truly awful it was... even though I am Bigging It Up furiously... (you'd make a lovely loose woman yourself...)

PurpleClover said...

So why not upload it to blogger?? hehe.

Kitty said...

Can you upload it to Blogger? If you put it on as a post, and then could somehow email them this post, along with said video, they might be SO impressed that they hire you immediately. Hurrah! x

imbeingheldhostage said...

it's not just me! I tried for 2 days to send an adorable 2 year-old message to her daddy. I figured he can see it when he gets back-- she'll be nearly three then.

Weeping Sore said...

Dude! I've heard of being of two minds, but there were too many minds at work there. All of you need to drink that cup of tea and chill out.


Blah technology...sorry about the vid....but Please let us see it! Anyway, forget Loose about we set up Loose Bloggers. Time for a fantasy panel methinks :-D x

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a jolly good laugh. Shame it didn't work for you, bloody computers are a pain aren't they. Any chance you can publish it on here? Or will that fail to work too?

CJ xx

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Oh no and I was getting ready to vote for you too. Love the programme and you would have been just the girl to join them. Keep practising, ready for next time. A x

Ladybird World Mother said...

PC - just dont dare! Will look like right plonker. Or a left one.. :)
Kitty - Just too coy on this one! I reckon that you need balls, or something (?!) to get yourself noticed and I just dont have the Look At Me Gene. Having said that, I would LOVE to do it!
WS - You are so right... I shall put the kettle on and desist with such nonsense. Was fun though, she says, wistfully.
Almost Mrs A - Loose Bloggers! Sounds enormous fun... just think about all the things we could chat about!!
CJ - knowing my technological mind, it would never work... but am too damned shy to do it anyway! Mad, considering I was perfectly happy to go into a studio in front of millions. (ok, just thousands then...)
Anne - You darling! Thank you... will definitely have another go... just because its so much fun!

Ladybird World Mother said...

imbeingheldhostage - !! so sorry... put your name there with no reply at all... isn't it MADDENING to go to such lengths to make something and then not to be able to send the sodding thing!Your message in particular... poor you. Can you find someone with Brilliant Mind to help? Wish I could. X

Robynn's Ravings said...

FOILED? After all that? I think the story that goes with it is also priceless and if you got it to them with the story in tow it just might send you over the top!

These are the things legends are made of. Don't stop now!

Robynn's Ravings said...

P.S. I got an excellent, high paying job this way once. Totally blew the interview because the car broke down. Called and explained that I knew this sounded like a "the dog ate my homework" moment but it was true. Arrived two hours late to closed interview process, interviewer was in the bar consoling himself over women who are ditzy, decided he liked me and my perseverance and I landed a job I was in for 9 years.

I'm telling must push on!

Tatersmama said...

So just for future practice, up-load it on your blog.
We can all give you style tips and pee our pants laughing.
Laughing because we're too chicken to do it ourselves and laughing really is good for the heart.

Seriously... I would LOVE to see it!

Expat mum said...

Childish chant - POST IT! POST IT! POST IT! You can't leave us dangling.
BTW I've always wondered how you spell "palaver" - which is really sounded like!

Mary T said...

Hi, just to let you know I've tagged you on my page.

Working mum said...

Upload it to you tube. We'll all watch it 5000 times, then you'd be on the news and they'd have to take notice of it!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Robynn - I am so impressed that you just carried right on and GOT THE JOB!! Ok... I will keep perservering, promise! XX
Tatersmama - I just Do Not Have The Bottle to put it on here!! Mad, really, as was prepared for millions to see it on Loose Women website, but not the 69 followers on my blog....!
EM - ditto for Tatersmama!! Such a coward... and I hope that I spelt palaver right... have vague memories of looking it up once...
Mary - a Tag!!! Will be along to see what I have to do... forgive me if I take some time to do it... life is a bit mad at the moment...
WM - Now you are talking... Except that three and a half people would watch, and it would be Deeply Humiliating!! Will think about it though. Maybe...