Last week spent One Hundred Hours making up a One Minute Video to send in to the programme Loose Women to become their next Loose Woman Presenter.
Put my camera at Eye Level in cupboard where I keep my tea and coffee. Balanced it between Coffee Beans and Teabags. Just in front of Drinking Chocolate and Tick Tock Tea.
Looked Beguilingly into camera.
Decided to pretend to be having cup of tea.
Waved mug about.
Had a go (or twenty) with Video camera.
Decided not to pretend to have cup of tea as looked as if I was spilling tea Everywhere.
Chatted Nonchalently to Camera.
Quite a Few Times Really.
Decided not to be chatting Nonchalently to Camera as Looked Ridiculous.
Thought about Meaningful Message.
Then spouted on about Meaningful Message.
Quite a Lot of Times.
Decided not to have Meaningful Message as Sounded Ridiculous.
Put make up on and brushed hair.
Had a Few More Goes in front of camera.
Put glasses on. Took glasses off.
Put hair up. Took hair down again.
Took make up off.
Put make up back on again.
Put dress on. Took dress off again.
Decided on jeans and t-shirt.
Decided not to have jeans and t-shirt.
Put on little cardigan and jeans.
By this time was a little Fed Up with all this Palaver.
So put camera into gear and went for it.
One minute Exactly.
Looked Simply Marvellous! Sounded Brilliant! Bound to Win!
Raced over to computer and Expertedly Imported my video.
Had another look at it.
Brilliant! So Amusing! Hooray!
Uploaded Video to send it off to Loose Women, with Witty Little Note to make them Giggle. Had plenty of time. Deadline was at 6.00pm. It was only 2.00pm!
Silly Me, must have done something wrong!
Had another Little Look at video.
Such Fun! Doesn't my hair look nice!
Didn't Bloody Work.
Sod this Damned Stupid Bloody Thing.
Tried for Three Hours. Solid.
Swore. Said some Incredibly Rude Words.
Then had to leave to go to Simply Ghastly
Road and Travel Safety Annual Sodding Bollocks Let's Bore Your Buttocks Off Evening.
Lovely Babysitter arrived to give tea to Sulky Children.
Grabbed her by arms as she entered house. Beseeched her in Babbling Mad Tones to please send an Email With Attachment for me.
She nodded sweetly.
'Course I can,' she said, smiling at me. Left her in front of computer, pressing keys with Great Competence.
Filled with Optimism I left.
Spent next hour on phone to Babysitter.
Not sure what's going wrong, she would say.
Damn. Bum. Shit. Bollocks. I would say.
'Just a minute, she said, about fifty minutes later. 'I will ring my dad. He is in charge of IT company. Ring you back!'
Marvellous, I thought. How Brilliant! Problem Solved!
She rang back.
'He's not there.'
Finally, at 5.59 pm we gave up.
All my friends at the Ghastly Evening were gutted too.
'Send it in the morning!' they said,
'Let's take it up in car tomorrow!'
And that Sort of Thing.
Heartened by Kindness of Friends I resolved to send it later, even though deadline was Dead and Buried.
Video never got there.
Tried Several More times with great deal of Swearing and Angry Gesticulation.
Finally gave up around midnight, after Simply Ghastly Evening was over.
Rather Annoying Really.
However, had Fond Look at video the next day.
Horrified by Hair. Make up. Jeans and cardigan. Speech. Face. Everything.
Thank Goodness I never sent it, I thought, chuckling to self.
Yesterday snuck another Look.
Bloody Hell. It was actually Quite Good. Laughed Heartily at it. Feeling Slightly Silly for doing so.
Well. Will just have to have Another Go next time.
And take the damned thing up by Horse if necessary.
Technology! Pah! I spit in its face.
Apart from Blogging.