Wednesday, 7 July 2010

It's All Cisterns Go!

Today I scrubbed out a Students' Bog.
I did. I really did.
I peered into that dark, putrid place that was the Lavatory, shrugged on my Mantel of Courage (marigolds) and got to work.
Now, I have cleaned lots of things in my life.
Bums. Noses. Fridges. Baths. Loos. Clothes. Ovens. Houses. The Toaster. (don't ask)
But Never, EVER, have I hucked out the loathsome depths of a Students' House Toilet Bowl.
Bugger me, it was horrible.
Grim. I don't think I could see any of the enamel.
And into that Watery Hell Hole I had to stick my Marigolded Arms and Scrub.
Scrape away at the sides. Brush frantically round the Bend.
I even... (are you still here? how lovely!) cleaned the wall of hand prints where the dear little male students clearly Leaned Heavily when having a Pee.
So Dear! So Appealing!
And then?
Nice cup of tea and a biscuit?
Sod that for a game of marbles.
No. Then I cleaned out the Other One.
Yes. Two of the Bastards.
What, apart from being Pathetic Fool who lets Eldest Son walk all over her Pinafore'd Frame?
Well, yes. Obviously. Derr.
But ALSO 'actually' because Eldest Son is moving out of his Student House and off to London for a couple of months before returning to Oxford in September. And so I offer(!) to Help.
Admittedly, Eldest Son went up and down two flights of stairs all morning, heaving more and more Stuff out to the car and looking increasingly hot and shiny with each journey. I began to be quite Thankful that all I had to do was rid Toilet Bowls of Torrid Filth and then flush Said Filth away.
But, Oh! Blogger Mates, I made those loos Sparkle. The enamel started to show through the grime! It was White!! And when I finally put in the Toilet Duck and Flushed. The Joy! The Achievement! The Relief! The Exclamation Marks!
Had to show Eldest Son, who was most impressed.
Refrained from sticking his head down it and flushing, but managed to convey, without using four letter words, that I Never Ever was going to do that again.
'Really?' he asked, looking quite surprised.
'Really.' I said. Firmly.
'Perhaps you might like to come and clean out my Pants Drawer?' I asked him in all seriousness.
'Mum!' he answered. ' That's gross.'
No, dear heart. 'Gross' is a Student Toilet Bowl.
My pants drawer is the Bloody Garden of Eden.
And with that, I closed the clean, wiped down door, swiped across the recently Freshened Lock and took the liberty of Going in the newly cleaned Toilet Bowl.
And very nice it was too.


Humdrum Mum said...

Oh dear I was just finishing off Elf's untouched potato croquettes and thought I was going to be put off! Thankfully not. Gross it sounded though. Brave you! -HMx (PS word ver was ferepee!)

Expat mum said...

Kim and Aggie would be proud. I am dreading this phase of my kids' lives. They have only the vaguest idea of hygiene as it is. Must start "training" them. Ugh!

geraldgee said...

Porcelain goddess springs to mind...xx

trash said...

Eeeeeyyyuuuuuuuuw. You definitely win 'Best Mother Award for 2010. Next term just pack him off with some caustic soda and a loo brush in his kit.

Tatersmama said...

You're a braver soul than me, Gunga Din - and you deserve a medal!
But bad mama that I am, I had my boys do toilet duty from the time they were old enough to grasp a loo brush. ( I also swore to them that if THEY didn't brush their teeth properly, "I" would do it with the self same brush.)
Sparkling cisterns and sparkling teeth... It made this mama proud!

My ex once said that it was wrong of me to make 'em clean the toilet... since cleaning loos is women's work!
He's my ex for a reason.

(word veri:!
Please aim your winkle when you tinkle!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Yuk - and I was going to say that Kim and Aggie would be proud but Expat Mum beat me to it. So, I'll just say how glad I am that I didn't have to do it! A x

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"Refrained from sticking his head down it and flushing,"

Hahahahahahahahha! Now, will you come scour the bathroom where my three boys have resides for years? I just keep closing the door.

Bernie said...

You are a great mum, and have gone beyond what any great mother should do.....hope eldest son appreciates you. I bet he really hates to leave that place with the shiny clean toilet.....:-) Hugs

Jayne said...

ewwww and hehehehehe too - You're a braver woman than me :)

The Dotterel said...

Couldn't come and attack my kitchen cupboards for me, could you? Oh, and under the cooker isn't too good either. And as for the back of the fridge...

martine said...

Ah, yes, the pleasures of peeing in a clean loo:-)
thanks for the smile as always

wonderwoman said...

you deserve a medal for that!!! or at least a bloody big drink!!! the things we do for our children!!!!

London City Mum said...

Now you see I would have just painted it all green. To match the mould and gunge of course.

Alternatively I would have just hung an 'out of order' plaque on the door and told the landlord it was broken.

Or called Rentokil.

Brave woman. Pair of marigolds for eldest next birthday methinks.


Robynn's Ravings said...

Oh I BOW at the porcelain THRONE of your Dedication to Dastardly Deeds! I have NEVER loved my children that much, I'm sure! Well, mine maybe, but certainly not all the OTHER ones who added to the "torrid filth." (Oops, I accidentally typed "torri-ed filth." Now THAT would make a completely different statement, don't you think?)

You are THE 'Raining' Queen! The Golden Goddess! The Philanthropist of Philth! If I ever make the leap across the pond I would love to help you straighten your drawers or assist in any variety of houseworkery. But please do not press our friendship by asking me to go along on one of these toilet tirades! :)

Troy said...

A cami-karzi mission?

Sir Bruin said...

I'm glad to hear that you made a proper job of it and didn't just go through the motions.

Working Mum said...

Eugh! I can imagine. I shared a student house with two boys and a girl. Us girls had a beautiful, sweet smelling bathroom where we enjoyed long, luxurious soaks in fabulous bubble bath. The boys cultivated a strange pasta-looking fungus in theirs by feeding it with their shower water. And the sad bit is that I married one of those boys!

Mwa said...

Ehm, that is love gone too far, I think.

Ladybird World Mother said...

HM-Please.. finish those croquettes!! x
EM - Kim and Aggie would be bloody proud! God, it was foul. Training must start very very soon, I think.x
gg - oh, porcelain goddess!! love it.
Trash - eeyyuuw indeed. Caustic soda, here we come!
Tatersmama - with the next 'batch' of kids I have, they have that training... unfortunately was rubbish with Eldest in the 'do it yourself' thing. And now I pay for it! xx
Anne - am glad you didn't have to do it either... it was yeeeurr ccccchhh! x
MJ - of COURSE I will!! xx
Bernie - oh, thank you , lovely friend. And you are so right... Eldest just HAD to have a bath right after I had cleaned the damn thing! x
Jayne - Brave??! You mean, Stupid...xx
the D - of course I can... anytime. Me and my marigolds can tackle the most stubborn of stains. Oh, how I hate that word... (stains, not marigolds) xx
martine - oh, a clean loo anytime for me!1 xx
wonderwoman - Oh, I had a very big drink after that, thought I had deserved it!! xx
LCM - aha... marigolds for birthday. This could be good, as in CHEAP, plus it might make the boy CLEAN. Brilliant. xxx
Robynn - Philth!! Love it. Your comment made me laugh... and you are welcome to come any time to sort out my drawers. !! Wish you would. We'd have a right old giggle. xxx
Troy - !! Totally. In every EVERY sense of the word. x
Sir B - !! Well, did rather go through the motions but the marigolds protected me nicely. x
WM - You MARRIED one !! Wow... well I suppose someone had to, just like someone will have to with my dearest boy. Tell me, does your husband actually clean up nowadays. On a NEED TO KNOW basis. xxx
Ker-ist... word veri is appeepoo. Honestly!!!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Mwa - oh, you snuck in there while I was busy!! Too true Mwa... too true. I need to find my sanity. HELP!

Anonymous said...

Hello : ) I have just found your blog via Welsh Hills Again & after reading your toilet cleaning post I have come to the conclusion that I need follow your blog. So I am doing . Fab ! : )

Ladybird World Mother said...

magicgarden - how lovely to meet you!! And how brave to read of such things and still come back for more!! Will be over to visit. xxx

Anonymous said...


PantsWithNames said...

I live in Oxford - we always enjoy this time of year as the parents appear and the houses look a lot nicer!

If you want a cup of tea in Sept to recover from it all then let me know and pop on over.

Potty Mummy said...

Fantastic post - have put you up as BMB of the week...

Anonymous said...


Knackered Mother said...

PM sent me over. Glad she did, what a revoltingly funny post x

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Beauty, unaccompanied by virtue, is as a flower without perfume...................................................................

Tattie Weasle said...

Oooohhh noooooo! Studetn looos no far to mmeory really rather nasty memories of tripping back to college mates houses in student days I hasten to say and needing a pee. Will admit that I sometimes wouldn't stay for the coffee after taking a look...You are a saint!

June said...

Oh, dear jayzus.
You get the prize.
The GREAT, BIG one!
Oh wait, you already have that prize; it was carrying loads of stuff down the stairs.
Lucky you.

Bernie said...

There's only one good thing about cleaning a toilet and a bathroom and that is because it is a job that gives so much satisfaction afterwards because you can see the clean and smell the clean and you feel such a sense of accomplishment!

Come and visit me.