Monday, 14 September 2009

No Sex, Please, We'd Rather Read Our Books

Golly. Just when I was about to press the button to Publish Post, I see out of the corner of my eye an article entitled 'No sex please, we're parents. Can a modern marriage survive without it?' Sitting on my kitchen table. Left there, I think, by Husband as a Big Hint.
I look again at the post I am about to send into the Blogosphere.
'No sex, please, we'd Rather Read Our Books.'
Bugger Me.
Well, don't. Actually. Yuck.
But isn't that Most Peculiar?
So didn't send post but read article from cover to cover.
Apparently, some of us lie about how much we Do it. And the rest of us lie about how much we Don't Do it.
It's not often that I Have Something to Say, but when I do, I try to make sure that a National Paper of some Calibre writes something similar.
Ho hum.
Here goes.
My post, entitled,

No Sex, Please, We'd Rather Read Our Books

Was sitting in bed with cup of tea and Husband one morning. Lovely lie-in and arrival of tea was heaven.
We sat and chatted about all sorts. And then we talked about Sex.
No, it's OK! Don't run off! Not going to put nasty, sticky details down here. We were just TALKING about it.
I was saying to Husband that while I and Four children had been in Total Pits of Hell-Hole Indoor Bastard Play Area the other day, had come across a magazine lying on one of the tea-soaked tables. Had leaped on it and grabbed the thing before any other mother could do so.
Magazine was surprisingly good. No ghastly Celebrities to read about. Just lots of good, intelligent articles.
Amongst the screaming of excited and hot children I read and read. One particular article was all about Refusing Sex.
Like we do.
Bed. Book. Sleep.
Do not want Leery Husband getting frisky.
Just want to close eyes and go to sleep. Thank you very much indeed.
Well, magazine says No.
Magazine says, and I quote,
Desire is a Decision.
Oo'er, I thought.
There was me waiting for Desire to come knocking on the door again.
Thinking fondly that somewhere down the line I would be as Frisky as a teenager, once the Children Were Older. Vamping my way into the sitting room with a Slinky Black Number and leaping on Husband with Abandon.
Gazing down at my Pyjama Clad body, and sheepskin slippered feet, I was somewhat doubtful that this would be Soon.
It seems that I was wrong.
Very wrong.
Desire wasn't going to come up and hit me on the face.
I had to choose it.
Golly, I thought.
So I shared this with Husband.
He was, as you can imagine, rather Gung-ho about it all, as it might just get Some Results, as it were.
I told him that I would give it a go.
So I did.
Well, not right there and then. Child tends to yell, from bathroom,
And such.
Not Awfully good for the Libido.
But a day of two later...
I'm not going to Brag. Puff out my chest and tell Huge Porkies about how often we get down to it now.
Suffice it to say, it's More.
More than Before.
And that's Good.
Still want to read my book.
Still want to wear pyjamas.
Still think to myself on occasion, 'Oh, no, please Not Now.'
But give Desire a go too.
Husband is thrilled to bits.
And I must say that I am rather pleased too.
There is nothing worse than the loss of intimacy.
And nothing better than finding it. Now and then.
Go on, girls. Give it a go.
Desire isn't a feeling. It's a Big Girlie Decision.
You can always read your book tomorrow.
Or Afterwards.


Janna Qualman said...

Ooh, what a roaring good post! And relatable, too. Thanks so much for being brave enough to talk about this. Love your approach, love your humor.

martine frampton said...

Yes, passion doesn't go away, it just sits quietly in the background waiting for you to choose it:-)
thanks for sharing
much love Martine

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

I've been saying that to clients for years. Don't wait for desire, just get started and desire will appear - and you know what I mean by get started.

It's often the actions that produce the feelings. Can't sit around and wait for the feelings (desire) - make the 'right moves' and desire will immediately arise. Magic. Decide. That's it.

Tatersmama said...

But what if it's a really good book?
Can I read 'during'? (insert whining here)

Okay, I'll admit to it, I go in for all sorts of excuses and justifications - like the kids have worn me out and I just want to sit here and vegetate in front of the telly with a packet of vinegar crisps...
And to tell you the truth my Old Guy doesn't even live with me...
so it makes it kind of seem "scheduled" and contrived.. ya know what I mean?

But he would probably like it, I guess.

elizabethm said...

You are so right and I love this post to bits - funny, honest, and so so true! You are a genius.

Tatersmama said...

Before I forget... this was an EXCELLENT post - and Bless You for bringing it up!

(and my word verification? ovadix !!! *snort*)

Jeff D'Antonio said...

From a man's perspective...

For us, desire is not a decision. It's more like a light switch. And it's permanently glued in the "ON" position. And we can't understand why women don't have a switch like that. And by the way, we LOVE it when the woman makes the first move.

Just remember to lock the bedroom door when the kids are around. Not that I would know what happens if you don't....

Vicus Scurra said...

For pity's sake woman. I am tired.
Enough trouble with Hollywood starlets trying to squeeze into my abode through the letterbox day and night, without giving Mrs S those ideas too.
Will I never get to finish the complete works of Anthony Trollope?

Patti said...


Thanks for the post - just what we all feel. (well I do, how many times have I read more chapters than I wanted in the hope he would fall asleep!)

ps - word verif = corki !!!!

London City Mum said...

A true gem of a post - had me laughing all the way through and now have Other Half wanting to know why...

You star!

LCM xx

Matthew said...

Oh, I am so printing this post out and leaving it around the house.

Fourteen copies should do the trick.

DJan said...

There is, sometimes, the other side, like what if HE doesn't have any desire? I don't think he can manufacture it, we've tried that. Frankly, I am so blessed in my relationship that we have found other ways, too, for intimacy.

Love this post! You are funny and at the same time profound.

joolzmac said...

Love this post! Love your writing style and cat sick/poo humour! Keeping it real,

Cheers - Joolz

Alix said...

I am ALL for it. Now if someone would just mention it to my better half.

Poor guy.

Corey Schwartz said...

Possibly best post ever.

Funny, I've been choosing desire a lot lately. Figured it was a summer thing.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Exellent to remember and then act upon it. We've been married almost 23 years and I used to wonder if kids and libido were automatic oxymorons. (Not the kids but, well, nevermind.) The point is....

Intimacy increases. Even now. Maybe even 30 years from now. And you have to create time and space for it. But if you throw the party, Desire will usually show up bring a great dessert. She's no deadbeat.

Great, honest post and a true look into life with young children!


Mwa said...

LOVE love LOVE this post! Tears! laughter! Truth! Bless you, Ladybird World Mother.

Ladybird World Mother said...

JQ - oh thank you! Dont know about bravery... just closed eyes and jumped off the blog cliff! And anyway, you guys always catch me so nicely...
MF - beautifully put. Lovely... will remember that.
Bonnie - so so glad that you have written what you have...isnt it true... wish I had known this years ago!
Tatersmama - course you can read a book during! Just make sure you dont turn the pages too often. ;)
elizabeth - THANK YOU!! What a lovely comment. I SO appreciate it this end. xx
Jeff - we all know about you and open doors!! (did you get that lock yet?) Yes, I know all about that On switch. Glad I can use it once in a while. Husband is too!
VS - And Tolstoy? Please say you are reading Tolstoy too. A nice excerpt from War and Peace. (Just tell those Hollywood Starlets to go home. They dont know the meaning of the word No, do they. )
Patti - oh, you do that too!!!! LOL. (And clean up the keyboard again from spilt tea. )
LCM - hope you were able to tell him without too much effort... if you see what I mean. x
Matthew - go the whole hog... put a printout in her car..on her toothbrush... in the fridge. Good luck!xx
DJan - do you know, I had this in a relationship a while back. Awful it was... but as long as there is intimacy... thats what counts in the end. We had neither. Hell. Thanks for kind comment! x
Joolz - glad you like the humour... plenty more where that came from!! xx
Alix - show him the post... you never know!!
CS - I think it might be a summer thing too. I much prefer the summer months. Being cold and passionate is a bit trickier!! x
Robynn - oh, I love the 'if you throw the party' bit that desire turns up. That is just lovely, and so true, after just 12 and three quarter years! You are so wise. Thanks for all your wonderful comments and LOVE soaring all the way over from USA. XXX
Mwa - I AM SO GLAD!! Your comment was just SO lovely and warm. I am going off to work now with such a glow! Thanks hugely. x

Oh, oh, oh, my word veri is UNIBLESS. Isnt that just so nice.
Like One blessing. Cool. xxxxx

Catharine Withenay said...

Fantastic post, as usual. Currently reading very thick book ... but may just have to put it aside for a night. Or two...

Troy said...

What a difficult choice you ladies face after a long and tiring day. Like most wives, Mrs Troy finds it hard on occasions. She usually takes the hint.

smileymamaT said...

Again I must thank you for the best Laugh-Out-Loud post of my entire day, and I do read quite a lot. Wonderful stuff. :) :) Thanks! And quite a coincidence on that article, have you got a spy in your house?? :)

Greg C said...

First time visitor here. I blog hopped from who knows where. Wouldn't you know it would be a post about doing IT. haha It was a very funny post too. There's nothing like hearing knock, knock knock, "Are you on in there mom" to take the mood away.

Lakeland Jo said...

what a great post- and yes- I think you are quite right. With the ebbs and flows of life it is difficult to get round to bumps and grinds. Yep- might just give other half a nice surprise later, but better take my furry bedsocks off first. LOL

trashalou said...

Now if there is ANY reason for actively seeking her out then surely this must be it - Robynn's Ravings said that Desire brings dessert!!! Am I doing something wrong that all I get afterwards is sleep?

(Word verif is 'distrs' - my state when Desire doesn't bring dessert to the party ;-)

Elaine said...

well done you!

and have been forgetting to go to the library recently, so who knows where this will take me.....

(wv - slutoopa. Hmm...)

Mud in the City said...

Very good point and very well made! Good to remind ourselves of that one.

However, my current levels of celibacy leave me unable to practice what you veyr sensibly preach.


Ladybird World Mother said...

CW - very thick book? Trash very thick or Tolstoy very thick? Looking forward to hearing if you managed to Not Read for a night or two... ;)
Troy - You... are a Very Bad Boy, because you have made me spit out tea AGAIN. Grrrrrr.
smileymamaT - oh thank you!! What a lovely thing to say... and I agree...I think there is a spy here somewhere... or else a Very Vigilant Husband wanting some action!
Greg C - Welcome!! Glad you came on a day when I posted about It. Could have been a poo day. Or worse. What luck is that!! ;)
Lakeland Jo - oh I dont know... furry socks might be just what he likes..! :)
trashalou - What do you mean, you dont get dessert?? I thought everyone got icecream and apple pie... or is it just me and Robynn? ;)
Elaine - there you go! No need for books now...;)
Mud - thats a bit of a bummer. As it were. Go at once to another wedding, and this time meet a cracker. Get engaged... we'll all buy hats and wear them on the day sitting at our computers, and then you can join in the fun. How about that? Easy! :)

Suburbia said...

Well done on finding it again. It was what we lost and the trouble was I decided it wasn't worth looking for, well, not for him anyway! I am glad you are happy :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Coming from you I'd be more willing to give it a go, but when it came from Dr. Laura Schlessinger (in a book form ordered by hubby and sent to me) I kind of went the total opposite direction. You're right (and she was right, but I will NEVER admit that to hubby who nearly wore a permanent book mark on his forehead). Glad you're enjoying... uh, more :-)