Thursday, 27 August 2009

Big Pants Galore

Oh My God.
The timing of the thing.
It is Simply Not Fair.
An Elderly Relation is staying with us for two nights, on the way home after a trip to U.S.A. The poor woman's suitcase has been carefully mislaid by the airline and is languishing somewhere in O'Hare Airport. She was a Bit Cross about it. And also had to wash some of her clothes so she could wear something tomorrow... I offered her my thongs and tassles but she wasn't interested. Honestly, some people are so ungrateful.
Anyway... once the Washing had been Completed (by hand) it was hung out on the line.
Vast Flesh Coloured Knickers. Pegged the right way up, as if the line were wearing them. Likewise Bra. Jauntily pegged up by the straps with the wind positively echoing around the cups. Next to them were brown linen trousers that looked Simply Enormous, taking up at least eight feet of the line. Wide. And a blouse sort of thing. All pegged the right way up. In a neat, lengthy line.
You couldn't miss the bastards if you tried.
I hoped against hope that no-one would arrive. Or that a rather Gorgeous Delivery Man wouldn't suddenly turn up with Interesting Wares.
Cue, Gorgeous Delivery Man with Interesting Wares. Obviously.
Up he trundled in his white van. Wandered up to the front door.
We opened said door to Vision.
Simply Heavenly. Tall and dark. Liquid brown eyes. Wonderfully Handsome. With, wait for this... an Italian Accent!! Thrilled I was. Especially as my children crowded around me in a very Italian sort of way when I answered the door.
'You like'a look at ma fish?' asked Adonis, smiling broadly, and stroking Youngest's hair.
I simpered back and followed him out. Followed his gaze.
Oh, no.
His eyes had wandered to the Washing Line. And there, waving gently in the breeze, were those Bastard Knickers. That Bra. His head whipped round as he took in the undergarments, and incredulously checked out my size.
I swear I could see a light dying in his eyes.
Didn't do much for my simpering, either.
Bastard Timing. They say it's the secret of Good Comedy. And the blinkin' secret of Good Tragedy too, I reckon.

Why, oh, why, wasn't this on the line?

No such bloomin' luck. He had to see this Sort of Thing.

Kind of Serves me Right, though.
Husband will find this Most Amusing when I tell him later on.


Granny on the Web said...

Great humour!!! I am sure he knew you were not the wearer of the garments from just looking at you svelte-like figure.

Love the post
Love Granny

Vicus Scurra said...

Pls to send more photographs of underwear.

Anonymous said...

Blooming bad luck on the bloomers front, indeed.

geraldgee said...

Loved the first photo of Essex landscape

Janna Qualman said...

*guffaw* Oh my goodness, but you painted this picture well! And the slight language/word differences between you and I made it all the more delish.

Awesome post. (I just hope your big panted family member doesn't catch wind of it.) :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Granny - not sure what the poor man thought!! bought some fish anyway... and very good it was too.
VS - !! You might prefer the thong and tassles, methinks, to the flesh coloured tent thing??!
Matthew - Indeed it was. Trust my luck...:)
GG - !! You really do want an Essex photo, dont you!! Will try to muster one up. Were next to the marshes but didnt have my damned camera with me. Next time, I promise!!
JQ - I so hope she doesnt catch wind of it too... she hates computers so I think i am safe... or am I!!

DJan said...

I hope they return the missing suitcase soon... or we might be subjected to Round Two! And I agree, Said Gorgeous Fish Seller probably used all his charms to get you to buy the fish, including making you feel bad about the laundry! Great fun to read your posts!

Anonymous said...

Wonderful! Will husband take that as a hint to buy you some skimpy undies?

Alix said...

Greetings, Ladybird, from Casa Hice.

I came here to bestow heaps of gratitude on you for visiting my humble blog and leaving such a nice comment. But while I was here, I noticed how incredibly funny and gifted you are as a blog author. Your post about granny panties and ginormous brassieres and hot Italian delivery men made my morning. Just absolutely great stuff. I'm subscribing to your blog immediately.

So very happy to make your acquaintance. A new friend! Yay!

Thank you again for stopping by Casa Hice and leaving such a lovely comment. The welcome mat is always out. Hope you'll be back again soon..

Valerie said...

Isn't it always the way, the dishiest caller only calls when it's inconvenient ... grins. Loved this.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Well LWM, you have my sympathies but I had to laugh! Just the kind of thing that would happen to me! Poor you too having to wash the offending undergarments by hand! How on earth long did that take? A x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Djan - would you believe it... said suitcase turned up MINUTES after the blasted delivery man had gone. Grrrr.
Mud - aha!! I can see an opportunity here too! Will encourage said purchase asap... and let you know how successful a shopping trip it is!
Alix - how nice to see you here!! Glad you have had a fun read... and will be over to visit very soon!!
Valerie - totally, sod's law.. Grrr. Never has a gorgeous delivery man come to my house... they are always HIDEOUS. And never before have such vast undies been on my line. Life, eh.
Anne - thank you for your kind sympathy!! Much appreciated. And, I did NOT wash the pants. She did. I'm afraid I didnt even offer. Aren't I mean. ;)

elizabethm said...

No, you are not mean. It was very good of you to offer your line to hang them on, the washing of them too would have been over the top. Anyway, I doubt a slip of a thing like you would have had the strength to wring those industrial sized things out!

Diane said...

Geez, I NEVER get to look at any gorgeous delivery man's fish!

And I don't appreciate you talking about my knickers that way, missy!

Robynn's Ravings said...

"Likewise Bra. Jauntily pegged up by the straps with the wind positively echoing around the cups." LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Oh, I NEEDED that laugh today.

Troy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Troy said...

When the dishy man saw the underwear you should have explained your elderly relative was suffering from Big Old Ladies' Lack Of Clean Knickers Syndrome. I'm surprised B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S. didn't come to mind at that time.

Troy said...

On second thoughts I think it safer you should stick with the large bloomers on the washing line. You shouldn't send "Frilly Underwear Cute Knickers - Maiden Eager" messages to itinerant Italians now should you?

Ladybird World Mother said...

Elizabeth - a slip of a thing?! Moi?! Marvellous. Havent been called that for a while. :)
Diane - I know, I know... (what I neglected to include in tale is that in my knickers drawer I have a Very Large Pair of knickers. I wash them veryquietly and never ever hang them on the line... but try stopping Elderly Relation from putting hers on line... she insisted on fresh air. Oh dear)
Robynn - good. Am glad could help you have a giggle. We all need one of those!
Troy - oh dear oh dear. Read your comment with Youngest in our local little cafe which has a computer... (most exciting) Laughed, no GUFFAWED very loudly and couldnt stop for several minutes. Youngest curious.
Marvellous stuff. Thanks for the giggle.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

What a delightful sense of humour! Thanks for commenting on my blog - or I might never have found you. I'll be back.

Kathy G said...

Too funny!

I've reached the period of my life between "thongs and tassles" and "Vast Flesh Coloured Knickers", but I'd be truly embarrassed if someone were to see my undergarments hanging on a line.

Thanks for stopping by my blog today.