Friday, 5 June 2009

Beam me up, Scottie.

Heart stopping moment last week. Horror filled, bile inducing, bowel moving moment.
Tea time at Grandmother's. Imagine a dear little cottage on the edge of Dartmoor, garden filled with spring flowers and neatly cut lawns. We'd spent the day on the beach and returned home in the early evening.
Children bathed. Food on the table.
Me sitting at table with huge cup of tea. Smiling indulgently at my children, fragrant from their baths, rosy from the beach.
Daughter, aged almost nine, puts down her fork and smiles at me.
Ah, I think. Such a dear girl.
She looks at Middle Son.
'So,' she says, directing her clear blue gaze on her elder brother. 'When do you think you will Have Sex, then?'
My jaw fell open. I could feel my eyes widen with surprise and a terrible giggly laugh issue forth before I could stop it.
Middle Son spits out all his food in his mirth.
Youngest looks on with Ready Smile, enjoying the moment.
Grandmother is in the corner of the kitchen. I can hear her muttering to my Husband
'These schools...they tell them everything....so young...know it all...disgraceful...start before they know which end is which... honestly...whatever next.... got to be so careful with girls.'
I can see my Husband's back is shaking with laughter.
He tries to pour balm on the situation.
'More tea, darling?' he asks me, with an Inspirational Facial Grimace which shows his solidarity to me, shares the humour, notes the sympathy to his mother, and lets Daughter know she is in Deep Dudu.
Meanwhile I just press my lips together in an attempt at Seriousness.
It's not working.
Daughter's face is a picture of Consternation and Giggles.
'Can't think why I said that,' she says, in a Conversational Type of Way.
'No,' say I in Clipped Tones.
'For the life of us, neither can we.'
Rest of meal carried on in muted silence, with the odd chuckle from Middle Son.
Oh, and me.
Honestly, kids.

23 comments:

MrsMama said...

Oh MY. I feel for you. Maybe you'll wake up and find it was dream. A very awkward and embarrassing dream. Then you dreamed about blogging it. And a very nice American commented. Then you woke up.

One could always hope.... ;)

trashalou said...

Can't type comment.... laughing too hard....

Boz said...

Hahahahaahah! Brilliant.

Neas Nuttiness said...

I feel your pain!

Diane said...

My mother would have passed out. When I mentioned "sleeping with my (now ex) boyfriend" once (not in graphic detail, mind you, just in passing), she actually put her fingers IN HER EARS and said, "I don't want to hear this!"

I was 42.

Yup. She'd have passed out.

Granny on the Web said...

Been there some what like this. Son came home from school, I had friends in for T, I ask son 'so what have you been learning at school today then?'
'Oh, we learned about Elizabeth's vagina'
Stunned silence from the room.
We still remind him of the faux pas.
Now his was a mistake... not sure about your daughter.
Love Granny

Mary T said...

I am dreading this kind of a scenario and am hoping it is many years away.

In front of Grandma aswell he he he...

Ladybird World Mother said...

MM - a dream would have been nice. But isnt it great that we can blog away our pain!!? And yes, you are a very nice American!
trashalou - good! Glad someone got something out of it!
Boz - not when you're sitting there in agonised stifled giggles and there is a Very Disapproving Grandmother lurking. ;)
NN - glad to hear it... no pain like it, except maybe childbirth.
Diane - !!! oh, how funny... Blog about it, PLEASE!
GOTW - ???!!! Please tell me... did he REALLY mean vagina?! Am going through all the 'could have been's' and cant think what he could have meant. Fab story.:)
MT - I thought it would be years away as well... that's what so caught me out!

Troy said...

I can't help thinking that Grandmother must have indulged at some stage in the past. I hope you can read this comment without any unwanted visuals.

MikeH said...

Oh my. Funny!

Twisted Family Values said...

Oh... my. lol

Kevin Musgrove said...

Excellent. This is why I like being an uncle: I can laugh unashamedly.

Tatersmama said...

This post should have come with a warning label!!!!
I snorted stuff right out of my nose!!!

Am I to assume these children take after their mother and are to be pitied rather than chastised???

I'm off to find the tissues....
*SNORT* !!!!

Working Mum said...

Have to say, I would have found it hard to keep a straight face. I would probably have said, "Yes, middle son, what do you think?"

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Priceless - your offspring have perect timing - they may grow up to be comic geniuses (genii)!? A x

imbeingheldhostage said...

LOL!~I would've spit my tea-- I'm real refined like that.
My current post is right along these lines (except my conversational warhead is a two year-old).

Maternal Tales said...

You never fail to make me laugh - thanks for that!

Catharine Withenay said...

Aren't children priceless!

My son asked me yesterday how to shorten Buy One Get One Free, then delighted in telling me to Bog Off!

Thankfully, no elderly relatives around to hear that though.

[word verification - to make you giggle - "bedisms"!!]

Milla said...

yesterday my 12 year old told me a totally "inappropriate" penis joke. Luckily I'd had a gin so I could just laugh. I fear he might have learned it from his granny.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, am so useless at commenting at the moment. The sun shines and the garden grows, and then a friend says, lets go for a coffee, and then we decide to have a picnic, and then there is loads of washing to do, and ironing, and food to cook, not to mention my pre-school, where THREE members of staff are sadly leaving at the end of this academic year, which means recruiting new staff. Busy. Very.
Try to do the odd visit round to you all. Please forgive my hopeless blogging ability at the moment. Needless to say, think you are all wonderful. XX

Mud in the City said...

Now there's a story to remind her of in the future!

BT said...

Oh I needed that! what a star, especially the 'Can't think why I said that' comment!! Brilliant.

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