Friday, 19 June 2009

Oh, Marvellous!
Soon it will be the Village Flower and Produce Show 2009!
What fun!
Will stroll along to the Village Hall and see all the Flowers and Produce!
Sniff at the smell of Musty Hall.
Have a giggle at the Odd Shaped Vegetable Competition.
Marvel at the Flower Arrangements.
Ooh and Ahh at the Display of Grasses.
Study at length the decorations in a Shoe.
Try a prize winning Fairy Cake.
Sip at the Bovril Brown tea.
Buy a raffle ticket and maybe win that Delightful Box of Biscuits. Or the Knitted Tea Cosy. Hooray!
After such Enormous Fun will wander home armed with a few pots of coriander and basil plants.
Except it's not like that At All.
In the Slightest.
Take the weeks leading up to the Day of Reckoning.
I happen to know that Mr H up the road has had a new greenhouse built. He has filled the bloody thing with tomatoes, peppers, melons and cucumbers. Word has spread that his vegetable patch is Looking Very Good Indeed. Striking a chilling scent of defeat into the hearts of the rest of us.
Mrs C is keeping Very Quiet Indeed about her new roses, bought especially for the Rose Section of the Flower Show. There is a new fence in her garden. It's bloody Enormous. Can't see over the damned thing.
What's behind it? we all ask each other. Nervously.
Mrs J has been seen taking photographs for the Photography Corner. Apparently, she has taken 200 photos of Mole Hills. To enter for the Mole Hill Category.
Am feeling decidedly Unprepared. Have taken two pictures of Mole Hills. Both are Crap. Look like large piles of Turd. But thought, what the hell.
Should I get out there and take another 198 pictures. Just in case?
What about the Frosty Morning Category? Have one photo of that. Quite nice, really. Looks Frosty. In the Morning. That'll do. Won't it? Or will Mrs J have another 524 tucked into her Digital Camera, all ready for the Big Day?
It's Hell. Really.
And on the Day itself, all of us arriving in our cars, with baskets and boxes and vases and tins. Taking a look out of the corner of our eyes at Mrs M's simply Vast Display of Grasses.
Noticing that Mrs P hasn't brought any Jam. Which means that we might be in with a Sporting Chance.
Proudly displaying our Raspberries.
Noticing that other people's raspberries look better than ours.
Husband looking Tense and Sweaty.
Everyone smiling.
Looking Tense and Sweaty.
Staggering in with Flower Arrangements in the 'Bedside with Scent' and 'Table Arrangement in Red' Categories.
Mine looking Complete and Total Crap compared with the others, being brought in by Beefy Ladies in Tracksuits.
Middle son proudly pinning up his photos in Frosty Morning Section (his one photo is lovely, hope he wins) Wildlife (apparently it's a deer, can't quite make it out, but such lovely colours, hope he wins) and Bird Table (who the Bloody Hell thinks up these categories? Hope he wins)
Meanwhile Husband is putting all his vegetables onto the little white paper plates and looking at everyone else's. Still Tense and Sweaty.
It is thought that Mr T and Mr B will have an Argy Bargy over who will win the Cup.
Mr T (or was it Mr B?) won it last year. Mr T (or was it Mr B?) wants to Win It Again. They give each other friendly slaps on the back from time to time. Friendly! Hah.
Everyone is fretting over their Runner Beans.
Frowning over their Carrots.
Husband stands and looks at his veggie patch for ages when he comes home in the evening.
Says things like,
'Broad Beans are doing nicely.'
'Need to weed my spinach.'
'Must thin out my leeks.'
I offer encouragement.
'Lovely potatoes, darling!' I will say brightly.
'Goodness! Look at your onions!'
(Little did I know, when I married my Darling on a Winter's morning thirteen years ago, that I would spout such 'Good Life Felicity Kendal' type Encouragements.)

Must go for a Lovely Walk. Only four weeks to go now.
In a nonchalent sort of way will peer over hedges and fences.
Take Note of the Latest Growth Spurts of Beans and Potatoes.
Not that we Care About Winning.
At All.
In the Very Slightest.
It's all about 'Taking Part.'
Being part of the 'Village Community.'
Getting out and 'Mingling.'
Taking Joy in each other's 'Achievements.'

Bollocks and Total Toss to that.
Don't tell anyone, but We Really Would Like To Win. Something. Apart from the Raffle. And the Special Prize for the Largest Runner Bean.
We'll let you know how we Get On.
Better get my camera out and take a few bloody photos.
Oh, look, the 'Bicycle' Category!
Come on, children! Let's get your bikes out and Mummy take a few Snaps!
Come Along Now!
Quick, quick, only four weeks to go...

Oh, Bollocks. This could take some time.


Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Sounds like really good fun LWM. Perhaps you could combine several categories and display veggies in a bicycle basket next to a mole hill. I do wish you all good luck - bet one of you comes home with a prize - hope it's Middle Son. A x

Elaine said...

This did strike a chord. Must confess to having Frosty Morning photos stored on my own laptop!

geraldgee said...

Love the photo!

Tatersmama said...

Oh dear.... and I didn't even know what I was missing!

Just don't imbibe liberal (read water glass) glasses of wine to calm your nerves, when taking photos of children on bicycles, please.

It doesn't work.

Catharine Withenay said...

Competitive? No, surely not!

Look forward to hearing how you do (or Mr T or Mr B!) in a few weeks time...

Helen P said...

Then Joan Hickson arrives and announces there has been a bit of 'an incident' in the allotment, peers over the garden fence and states it doesn't 'comply with the rules' and announces middle son the winner of 'frosty morning' category, all while Mr B tries to sabotage Mr T's onions...or is that a red herring? Tension builds for the big day and I can't wait!

Troy said...

At least you have inadvertently already got two possible prize-winning photos in the "Large Pile of Turd" catagory.
Imagine their surprise after they have handed you a trophy when you tell them that they are actually molehills.

Liz said...

Another hilarious post.

After 16 years of town life, I had started to think I might be missing out on something by not living in a village. After reading this post I think maybe town is not so bad!

Working Mum said...

I don't think I could take the pressure. Does it get like "The Were Rabbit" with people guarding their veg at night? Does anyone eat the stuff aftewards or is it too precious?

Sir Bruin said...

Any sign of people creeping around in the dead of night with tins of weedkiller under their jackets?

Mum's the word said...

So sorry, but I've tagged you in my latest post.
Hope you forgive me.

Milla said...

oh the stress indeed. none of that here, thank goodness. would have no photos, just a blurred arm. and is there REALLY a mole hill category. Who, indeed, thinks that up??

Ladybird World Mother said...

Anne - now that combination thing might really take off!! Can you imagine the categories I could come up with... will let you know about the prizes!!!x
Elaine - me too! except they are evening ones. Oh, and bluebell woods. Just loads of those. Glad you're a bit of a photo storer too!
gg - good, eh! Do you reckon its a winner???
Tatersmama - think that must be what went wrong with the photo in the post. Just kept missing the damned child!
CW - will let you know Big Time! Unless we win Tiddly Squat. Gosh, dont think I have ever written those words down before...
Helen P - wow, you should write for our village newsletter! We would all be on the edge of our seats...;)
Troy - now that is a plan... what shall I do about the bike one in post, which is the closest one to including a bike and a child? Some just have blurred grass. Should I put it in the
Speed Category? Or Total Crap Picture Category. Hey, an idea is born!
Liz - STAY IN THE TOWN!!! I think you might find it safer and not so Competitive.
WM - Were Rabbit is too right... and no, it all goes to waste, unless someone can be arsed to take all their rather limp looking courgettes home. Really awful when you think about it.
Sir B - Aha!!! An evil plan is hatching. Where can I buy some weed killer.... ;)
mums the word - AAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Not a tag!!! No, seriously, that might be just the therapy I need after the time I am having at the moment... seem to be pulled in all directions. Might be nice to sit here and do your tag....:)x
Milla - I know, mole hills! Quite incredible. What is more amazing that people have spent so much time taking pictures of them! My 2 pictures of mole hills are the only 2 I will EVER TAKE because although I love to take pictures, its REALLY BORING TO TAKE THEM OF MOLE HILLS. There, that's better. Thanks Milla!x

Debs said...

It all sounds so busy.

Love the little table in the photo at the beginning of the post.

NaomiG said...

Too funny... :-) People can get competitive over just about anything! I'm rooting for middle son!!

Valerie said...

Adored this post, really funny. You might have been reporting on a WI event.

cheshire wife said...

You don't love in Midsomer Somewhere-or-Other do you? I am sure that a murder would spice things up nicely.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I think it's a fine bicycle shot, but would suggest you take 299 more just to be on the safe side.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Debs - very busy and rather silly! Love the table too...
Namomi - so funny how competitive people can be... find it slightly catching, which is a bit worrying! I'm rooting for Middle son too... I'll let you know!
Valerie - its so like the WI! I'll have to take pictures on the day...its just so classic village stuff!
CW - aha! Might be taking the courgette competition to new heights if people start killing each other off. One way to win the cup though!
imbeingheldhostage - right... better get the camera out then. Always best to be on the safe side, eh. ;) x

BT said...

Oh what a fantastic rib-tickling post! I have done that, been there.... But my photos usually do well, except when one was removed as being 'inappropriate'. My 3 year old grandson with back to camera wearing wellington boots watering the garden. I went mad, I can tell you, fell out with the committee and will not go within miles of the place this year. Stuff them.

Not that it matters of course....