Ladybird World Mother

Oh, Marvellous!
Soon it will be the Village Flower and Produce Show 2009!
Hoorah!
What fun!
Will stroll along to the Village Hall and see all the Flowers and Produce!
Sniff at the smell of Musty Hall.
Have a giggle at the Odd Shaped Vegetable Competition.
Marvel at the Flower Arrangements.
Ooh and Ahh at the Display of Grasses.
Study at length the decorations in a Shoe.
Try a prize winning Fairy Cake.
Sip at the Bovril Brown tea.
Buy a raffle ticket and maybe win that Delightful Box of Biscuits. Or the Knitted Tea Cosy. Hooray!
After such Enormous Fun will wander home armed with a few pots of coriander and basil plants.
Super!
Except.
Except it's not like that At All.
In the Slightest.
Take the weeks leading up to the Day of Reckoning.
I happen to know that Mr H up the road has had a new greenhouse built. He has filled the bloody thing with tomatoes, peppers, melons and cucumbers. Word has spread that his vegetable patch is Looking Very Good Indeed. Striking a chilling scent of defeat into the hearts of the rest of us.
Mrs C is keeping Very Quiet Indeed about her new roses, bought especially for the Rose Section of the Flower Show. There is a new fence in her garden. It's bloody Enormous. Can't see over the damned thing.
What's behind it? we all ask each other. Nervously.
Mrs J has been seen taking photographs for the Photography Corner. Apparently, she has taken 200 photos of Mole Hills. To enter for the Mole Hill Category.
Am feeling decidedly Unprepared. Have taken two pictures of Mole Hills. Both are Crap. Look like large piles of Turd. But thought, what the hell.
Should I get out there and take another 198 pictures. Just in case?
What about the Frosty Morning Category? Have one photo of that. Quite nice, really. Looks Frosty. In the Morning. That'll do. Won't it? Or will Mrs J have another 524 tucked into her Digital Camera, all ready for the Big Day?
It's Hell. Really.
And on the Day itself, all of us arriving in our cars, with baskets and boxes and vases and tins. Taking a look out of the corner of our eyes at Mrs M's simply Vast Display of Grasses.
Noticing that Mrs P hasn't brought any Jam. Which means that we might be in with a Sporting Chance.
Proudly displaying our Raspberries.
Noticing that other people's raspberries look better than ours.
Husband looking Tense and Sweaty.
Everyone smiling.
Looking Tense and Sweaty.
Staggering in with Flower Arrangements in the 'Bedside with Scent' and 'Table Arrangement in Red' Categories.
Mine looking Complete and Total Crap compared with the others, being brought in by Beefy Ladies in Tracksuits.
Middle son proudly pinning up his photos in Frosty Morning Section (his one photo is lovely, hope he wins) Wildlife (apparently it's a deer, can't quite make it out, but such lovely colours, hope he wins) and Bird Table (who the Bloody Hell thinks up these categories? Hope he wins)
Meanwhile Husband is putting all his vegetables onto the little white paper plates and looking at everyone else's. Still Tense and Sweaty.
It is thought that Mr T and Mr B will have an Argy Bargy over who will win the Cup.
Mr T (or was it Mr B?) won it last year. Mr T (or was it Mr B?) wants to Win It Again. They give each other friendly slaps on the back from time to time. Friendly! Hah.
Everyone is fretting over their Runner Beans.
Frowning over their Carrots.
Husband stands and looks at his veggie patch for ages when he comes home in the evening.
Says things like,
'Broad Beans are doing nicely.'
'Need to weed my spinach.'
'Must thin out my leeks.'
I offer encouragement.
'Lovely potatoes, darling!' I will say brightly.
Or.
'Goodness! Look at your onions!'
(Little did I know, when I married my Darling on a Winter's morning thirteen years ago, that I would spout such 'Good Life Felicity Kendal' type Encouragements.)


Must go for a Lovely Walk. Only four weeks to go now.
In a nonchalent sort of way will peer over hedges and fences.
Take Note of the Latest Growth Spurts of Beans and Potatoes.
Not that we Care About Winning.
Remotely.
At All.
In the Very Slightest.
It's all about 'Taking Part.'
Being part of the 'Village Community.'
Getting out and 'Mingling.'
Taking Joy in each other's 'Achievements.'

Bollocks and Total Toss to that.
Don't tell anyone, but We Really Would Like To Win. Something. Apart from the Raffle. And the Special Prize for the Largest Runner Bean.
We'll let you know how we Get On.
Better get my camera out and take a few bloody photos.
Oh, look, the 'Bicycle' Category!
Come on, children! Let's get your bikes out and Mummy take a few Snaps!
Come Along Now!
Quick, quick, only four weeks to go...



Oh, Bollocks. This could take some time.