Monday, 23 May 2011

Yet Another Lavatorial Tale

It was a blissful momentary thing. It seemed that my work as a Mother was done. Complete.
I had no more need to chastise, clean, order around or shout.
This morning, was running around as normal, shouting at people (mostly my children) and ordering people (mostly my children) to get lunch boxes, PE kits, coats (bloody cold this morning, eh?) book bags, heads, etc into some semblance of order so that we could get them all to school...
When I smelt it...
A shiny, green, fresh sort of smell, not often found in my house, unless instigated by me...
Toilet Duck.
Yes, I smelt it... an aura of Cleanliness and Order, of Shiny Enamelled Lavatories, of Non-Crappy Loo.
One of my children had Actually Used it.
To clean out the loo after Performing.
The window was open, the loo shiny new, and the sweet sweet smell of Toilet Duck flooded the senses. (and the bloody Bowl, must have used half the bottle)
I tell you, my work is over.
The lessons over the last 22 years are finally coming to Fruition.
'Have you Flushed?'
'Is it clean?'
'Can my friends sit down on the seat without Fresh Urine all over their legs?' ('Ewww, Mum, you are DISGUSTING.'
'Not half as much as you PEE'ING with abandon ALL OVER THE WALL.')
But no. Not any more, it seemed.
One of them could handle Toilet Duck. Appropriately.
And this would surely mean that the others would too.
Take me home, James.
My work is done.
And then, this evening. As I sat at the computer, in that peaceful moment after the carnage of tea and washing up and more shouting, was interrupted in my blissful reverie by child crashing their way into the downstairs loo.
Smugly waited while they Went. And smugly waited until they had finished.
Smugly went into loo to inspect Pristine Lavatorial Dwelling.
Oh. Shit.
Literally. Round the bowl and even on small pieces of loo paper on the floor.
An entire tree's worth of lavatory paper piled up, meringue style, almost to the top of the loo. And the stench! Brought tears to the eyes...
Back to basics.
Work as Bossy Cow of a Mother is to continue...
(Incidently, what the HELL does a DUCK have to do with lavatorial cleanliness???
Why not Toilet Tortoise? Or Lavatory Limpet? Or Bog Bat? Grrrrr)


Anonymous said...

That's boys for you! It's a chromosone thing, I'm certain.

Anonymous said...

I have no boys, but since I was one once, I'm qualified to comment.

As a general rule (and this applies equally to boys and men alike), if we manage to hit the bowl 30 percent of the time, we are worthy of high praise. Kind of like a batting average in baseball.

Tattie Weasle said...

For a moment there I was full of high hopes there would be an end to the toilet tyranny but well, boys, heh?!!

Sir Bruin said...

I guess you still need to encourage your children to do a proper job, rather than just going through the motions?

Leilani Lee said...

The wall next to our toilet is permanently discolored because of constant need to use cleaner to remove splattered urine. Men!! My "word verification" for this post is Calif, where I grew up. After a week of tornadoes, I wouldn't mind moving back there!

diney said...

Ewww! Why oh why do we Mums always have to clean the loo anyway? When we toilet train them we should show them the loo brush thingy and how to use it then, from very early age they can clean up their own smelly mess! And why do children usually forget to flush? Girls are just as bad! Always in a rush, I guess.

Nicola said...

This was so funny. And so, so disgusting!!! I have to admit I was so damn jealous at the beginning of the post to read you have a child old enough to use Toilet Duck...and relieved at the end that your boys are like my boys - dirty, messy little buggers with a preference to perform their ablutions within a 5ft range of the toilet bowl...if we are lucky.

And you do know toilet duck is named because of the shape of the top of the bottle, don't you??!!!