Tuesday, 30 November 2010





Oh, dear. My life has reached depths I hadn't thought possible.
Was cleaning out my Horlicks Jar. Oh, COME ON, we ALL clean out our Horlicks Jar.
Don't we?
Oh.
Bollocks.
Anyway.
Discovered that jar was jam packed with extremely Hard Horlicks. Rock springs to mind. Had a little think about EITHER doing the sensible thing like chucking jar away and buying a new jar, OR breaking up said Rocks of Horlicks into small manageable pieces and putting said pieces into the Magimix, making them into powder,and carefully transporting said powder back into newly cleaned jar.
Well.
I did the clearly Thick Arse thing. With the Magimix.
Armed myself with a 16 lb hammer, a chisel and a screw driver.
Why?
Why not??
And brought them into the kitchen where I placed them carefully on the kitchen table.
Instruments were then used to kick the arse out of the Rock'ard Horlicks, chipping bits of Horlicks off the main block of Horlicks, causing shrapnel to ricochet around the room, war zone style.

<---- Rock of Horlicks









After several minutes of this, there were enough smaller chunks that I could take OUT of the jar and place INTO the Magimix.
Still with me?
Lovely!
Now. I'm not sure if you have ever put chunks of Horlicks into a Magimix before... No? Really? How odd...
But it's rather Noisy.
I actually couldn't hear myself speak.
Because I had a go at speaking just to see if I COULD hear myself.
And decidedly couldn't. Tried shouting REALLY loudly to see if I could hear that.
Nope.
The poor Magimix leapt about like a mad thing, whizzing away at the Horlicks, and I had to stay nearby in case the thing fell off the counter.
At this point there was a knock on the door.
You will understand that I didn't HEAR the knock at the door owing to Said Noise.
So all the person at the door could hear was the sound of a Magimix killing something, and me shouting to see if I could hear myself.
At this point, a third person arrived at the door, in hot pursuit of the former person. They had a little natter at my door, not really liking to interrupt such proceedings when all at once.... QUIET.
Which is when I heard the door bell for the first time.
Trotted off to answer it, and there were two friends, looking somewhat Expectantly Puzzled, if ever there was such a combination.
Come in, come in! I cried. I'm....
And I stopped.
Because Breaking up Horlicks with hammers and chisels might not appeal to everyone.
Indeed, they might just think that I have lost my marbles and have arrived in Happy Farm for Nutters.
Bollocks to it, I thought. And showed them my work.
OK, so it DID look a little messy.
Showers of Horlicks littered every surface. I'd used rather a lot of containers as I kept having to keep the Powdered Horlicks from the Rock Horlicks. It was, quite frankly, a Fiasco.
Needless to say my friends fell about laughing and almost had to hold each other up in mirth.
I kept my end up by laughing heartily too.
Although somewhat Tightly. We don't, after all, like our Efforts to Economise mocked, do we now?
However, I did have a jar of Horlicks that was definitely powder, and I was looking forward to a nice cup of the bloody stuff later, by the fire.
(I thought it might be a good service in the community... to offer to smash up Horlicks for people and charge a small fee.)
There is, however, an 'However....' to the story.
When looking at my jar of Horlicks with some smugness later on that day, on opening the jar to have a good look at the powder (did I tell you I was getting a life for Christmas??) I was somewhat disgruntled to see that the Horlicks had ALREADY STARTED TO HARDEN.
Bastard.
It seems that Horlicks have a brilliant Unique Selling Point.
The bloody stuff only stays powder like till you open the jar.
It then becomes so rock-like that you buy a new one.
Infinitum.
But oh! Not me!
I have my mate the 16lb hammer.
And I will continue to rip the shit out of the Horlicks as and when necessary.
I tell you, there's no flies on me.
Just an awful lot of Horlicks dust.
So attractive.

19 comments:

Working Mum said...

Buy cocoa powder instead. ;) And cocoa is so much nicer than horlicks!

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Since I have no idea what Horlicks is (are?), I guess the first question that comes to mind is "WTF is (are?) Horlicks?"

And then of course the immediate follow-up question would have to be: "WTF were you thinking?"

Perhaps, on your next encounter with a jar of Horlicks rocks, a quick run to the store for a new jar might be in order?

Just a thought.

Expat mum said...

Horlicks, Jeff, is the poor relation of Cadbury's drinking chocolate. It stinks too. (Can't think what you must have ponged like LWM, covered in the stuff.)
Next time however, why don't you pour some almost boiled water into the jar and melt the stuff for later use, rather than risking life and limb? Although personally, I would have chucked it out.

Pam said...

I wonder if Ovaltine gets hard too? Maybe you could do some research for us? :-)

TheMadHouse said...

I can not remember the last time I had holicks, ovaltine everytime!

Clippy Mat said...

Oh Good God in heaven. I would have paid good money to see that. Perhaps if you installed a webcam in your house I could just observe your mad goings on sometimes? I think it does sound perfectly reasonable tho' to want to smash up hardened Horlicks with a 16lb hammer and I dont' think EPMum's idea (Sorry EPMum) of melting it down for later use would have worked at all.
Definitely called for hammer tactics. Well done :-)

Mud in the City said...

One of the funniest things I have read for ages! Could you not treat it a bit like a horse does a salt lick - hand the horlicks rock from the wall and occassionally lick it for nourishment?

Ladybird World Mother said...

WM - ewww... no, its Horlicks for me!! x
Jeff - No idea what Horlicks is??!! Good grief, man, get a grip... (have to say you are quite right, I don't know WHAT I was thinking... or doing, for that matter)xx
EM - Next time I will chuck the buggering stuff away. Honestly. x
Pam - sure can... have such a vast amount of experience in such matters now... x
Madhouse - Ovaltine, eh. Better go and get some. TODAY!!
CM - Thank you very much indeed, dear Clippy, for your understanding in such things. I too, think it perfectly reasonable to hit hard Horlicks with hammer. Amazing that people think it odd... !!x
Mud - !!! Love it. Conjured up such a mad image. Almost as mad as hammers and rocks of Horlicks. xx

Troy said...

Horlicks is a great sleep aid. Especially after you've worn yourself out actually getting solid contents into a drinkable form.
PS: Note to Jeff : perhaps a clue is in the first photo? (or alternatively, have you looked in wikileaks?)

elizabethm said...

Not sure what I like best, your original blog or Mud's follow on suggestion! Fabulous.

Catharine Withenay said...

I am so impressed the Magimix survived the ordeal. My hand-blender bit the dust when my husband decided to use it to grind peanuts to powder (in order to feed his malnourished patients in Zambia).

Off now to investigate my Horlicks jar at the back of the cupboard... and to find the sledgehammer...

ska said...

i love this! Me to a t! So glad to come across your blog..
i love horlicks and ovaltine, remind me of being in hospital (i would by the horlicks tablets too). OOh may go and buy some now -

i always have rock hard decaff coffee - wonder if your technique would work?

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

I thought you were going to say it was past it's sell by date. You gave me a good laugh anyway LWM and I'm off now to check my Horlicks jar! A x

Ladybird World Mother said...

A very sombre Post Script... the Horlicks has gone hard again.
xxx

jimbob123 said...

Horlicks brick! Sorted! heres the formula!
Take 1x flat ended screwdriver
1x large mixing bowl
1x grater
1x pestle
and 1x funnel.
Open the jar and stick your screwy in and twist, dont try hammering it because it will just dig in hard like shooting sand it compacts. When you have several large blocks and thousands of littler ones, start grating (mind your finger tips) Its bloody marvellous to see your bitch of horlicks succumbing into fine powder. When you have done all the big uns' start swirling the pestle round and round emptying into the funell and into the jar so you can see your little uns' go the same way and Voila a brand new jar of "H" Wipe the used utensils with a dry cloth saving precious water and energy. Sorted!

jimbob123 said...

Horlicks brick! Sorted! heres the formula!
Take 1x flat ended screwdriver
1x large mixing bowl
1x grater
1x pestle
and 1x funnel.
Open the jar and stick your screwy in and twist, dont try hammering it because it will just dig in hard like shooting sand it compacts. When you have several large blocks and thousands of littler ones, start grating (mind your finger tips) Its bloody marvellous to see your bitch of horlicks succumbing into fine powder. When you have done all the big uns' start swirling the pestle round and round emptying into the funell and into the jar so you can see your little uns' go the same way and Voila a brand new jar of "H" Wipe the used utensils with a dry cloth saving precious water and energy. Sorted!

madhatter said...

was struggling with a chunk of horlicks myself when I stumbled on your blog. can i tell you how bloody funny you are! LOL! great post!

sparklesohm said...

He he - Just ~googled~ HORLICKs stuck in jar and came across your post - all ideas followed. You are right it makes a hell of a noise - Used in the food blender jug thinging - then scooped powder back into jar and put warm milk in and hot water with residual powder - result hot steamy frotthly milky drink for bed - smug or what - not sure the neighbours appreciated my efforts!!

Karlene Heath said...

I would just like to express my relief at not being the only one to have done this. I'm just about to write an email to Horlicks to enquire as to why it goes hard despite following the storage advice (because father Christmas didn't get me a life for Christmas). Your blog cheered me up no end. Lol