Tuesday, 9 November 2010

I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No

Oh, dear.
Keep saying NO to poor Husband.
Things like...
1) 'No, I don't want to drive Daughter to Bloody Rabbit Rescue Centre on a ninety miles trip there and back, in order to fetch the new rabbits we have purchased at Vast Expense from Said Rescue Centre, following on from a Rabbit Expert coming to Inspect our garden to check it is suitable for rabbits when we already have about 158 wild rabbits who think it is perfectly suitable, thank you very much, instead of going to the local Pet Store and buying Said Rabbits for Normal Rabbit Prices like Normal People sodding well do.
And...
2) 'No, I don't want to explain why I am NOT going to shave my legs. I simply cannot be Arsed to get the razor out and de-hair such Man-Hair legs when all I want to do is get into bed and Read My Book.' (We all know that Read My Book means, 'Get-your-hands-off-my-breast/buttock/rude bits-I-am-not-in-the-mood.')
And...
3) 'No, I don't want to answer the phone, just as I put the first mouthful of Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding into my mouth, all mixed up with a little bit of the BEST GRAVY EVER, just because some BUGGER decides to RING AT SUNDAY LUNCHTIME and no, I am NOT NEAREST to the phone. YOU ARE.'
And...
4) 'No, I DON'T WANT to have a glass of wine because I CAN'T DRINK EVEN ONE GLASS without a headache. Do you remember when I said that before? Um... oh yes, YESTERDAY.'
And...
5) 'No, I don't want to Have Sex.
Oh, God. Did I say that out loud?
I seem to have found my Married Voice.
The one that says 'No' a lot.
You know, the one that you use in your head for about a week after being married, and then start saying Out Loud to your new Husband.
Like, instead of, 'Golly! Someone didn't flush!' now you say,
'Oh, for God's sake, who has left a poo the size of a nuclear bomb down the bloody loo?'
Or, in the old days, when you said 'Mmmph,' this is nowadays tranlated as 'Christ, who farted?'
My married voice took a while coming.
It's just that I am one of those irritatingly annoying wives that Don't Say Anything when they are Really Pissed Off.
Only I have started to say things now.
Finally.
Oh, yes!
It's taken nearly fourteen years.
Poor Husband. He really seems quite taken aback. His Can Be Moody, miserable old cow of a wife is now Mrs Shouty.
I must say, it's simply marvellous being up my end.
All Yelling and Cross and Communicative.
But it must be hell at the other.
And so I think I'll tone it down a little.
Say Yes, here and there.
Not be quite so cross when his mother asks herself to stay just when my darling friend will be there at the same time, involving Deeply Complicated things with moving beds, having children in different rooms, and turfing True Friend out onto sofa in sitting room. Which Husband had Not Communicated would be Happening.
And to be Bright and Twinkling when he comes home. Not scowling and hurrumping like Eeyore.
New resolutions. So easy to make, and so damned difficult to maintain.
However, have made good start.
Husband rang not many days ago to say would I like him to bring home some Stiff Drink for Bonfire Night, which was happening later that day.
Yes! I said. Immediately. You see? So Compliant.
Oh. Didn't tell you. Am raging Drinker as well.
Golly. Miserable old Cow AND Alchoholic.
Nice.
Hope we see through to next Wedding Anniversary.

28 comments:

Diane said...

I just love you, woman! Reading your blog is like when I call up a friend I haven't spoken to in 100 years and it's like we just spoke yesterday. No matter how long I'm gone, coming back here is just pure joy... comfortable, funny-as-hell joy. Thank you for that!

Mother Hen said...

Husbands, honestly. They really are big babies. And the loo thing- Threaten them with taking all loo rolls away and toilet seats off, if they don't promise to bloody well get it right with the first flush!
Need a drink now.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

I do sympathise LBW because I am one of those who says not very much when I am p'd off with Husband. I mostly put up with things that irritate but I do seem to say "Don't" a lot, and not for the reason which may immediately spring to mind. And whenever I do, well mostly, we exchange a look and collapse with laughter! We've been together 22 years and counting! A x

Expat mum said...

Oh dear god woman - you're setting some rather high standards here aren't you? I will just have to stick fingers in ears and sing La La..etc. very loudly till you've come to your senses again.

June said...

All those with husbands reaching for, and being turned away from various parts of your bodies:
Send them to me.
Airmail.
COD.
Immediately.

Junosmom said...

Yes, but I keep looking at my husband and wondering if he is going to become a grump like my father and his.

Pam said...

Every single time I come over here I'm glad I did. You either make me laugh, cry (rabbit death & effect on child), or nod in agreement. I too have turned into NO woman who nags a lot and I'm trying to calm it down a bit. Men & women are so different aren't we? But my husband is such a good egg, And really that's all that matters - right? X

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Ah so you play the 'read my book' card too? I tell mine I just have to get to the end of an exciting chapter in the hope he might fall asleep before I get there!

Fab post!

PatsyAnne said...

Husbands and wives just don't speak the same language. When you first marry, its like taking a foreign language class, you start off with the pen of my aunt and move on to where is the train station, when you really mean, is my blinking aunt expecting me to write her another letter again, or where the hell is the damn train station - I'm going to miss my sodding train. Over the years, you slowly build up the vocabulary and still are afraid to use it correctly. Then one morning you wake up and find yourself thinking in the new language and it all seems so simple.

And Eyore may be grumpy and miserable but deep inside him beats a warm loving heart.

grumpyoldwoman said...

Wonderful post. I was too terrified of my ex-husband to yell at him or say No, but MM is so easy to be with and so laid back that I dread turning into a nag. You are only standing up for yourself and about time too. Give it some wellie girl!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Diane - oh, I love you too!! What an amazingly nice comment and so fab to read after a long looonnngg day looking after vomiting children. Thank you!!x
MH - I know, I know... bless their cotton underpants. It's just that they are so ANNOYING!! x
Anne - ahhh, that's so nice. 22 years. And I so know that 'look' you mentioned. We have one of those too...x
EM - FINISHED!!! You can come out now. x
June - he's on his way. Only joking. He is SO staying here.xx
Junosmom - I know, I do the same!! So far there are shades of it, but I so take the mickey out of him that it doesn't last long.
Pam - what a lovely comment,thank you! And like you , I have a good egg. (husband!) and am very very grateful for him. x
Trish - oh, yes I certainly do! But have to remember to put the book down once or twice a year. x
PatsyAnne - dont they just... its such a barrier sometimes, but with a bit of work here and there it is amazing how quickly we understand each other... but BOY it can be hard work!!
gow - it is good to stand up for yourself... trouble is I seem to be standing up for everyone else too!! Oh, dear. Harridan World mother I think.xxx

Troy said...

What I think you need is a romantic meal in restaurant. Then you could sit opposite your husband and go "no,oh no, No!, OH NNNOOO!!!"
I'm suspect many other women in the restaurant would be quietly having what you're having.

Lakeland Jo said...

you're brilliant. Great post. Loved it

Tatersmama said...

Welcome to the club!
Girl, I occasionally make vows to say "yes" every now and then, but somehow the right moment just hasn't reared it's head yet. And if I 'know' something, I feel morally obligated as a female to share it with him. Numerous times

I caught myself yesterday saying "you're constipated, aren't you?" when I went in the loo 5 mintes after the Old Guy... and then had to listen to 30 bloody boring minutes of him insisting that he wasn't - in graphic detail.
*palm to head* Will I never learn?

And WHY do they assume that the phone needs to be answered EVERY time it rings? I paid for a stinkin' answering machine... so what's wrong with getting my moneys worth - especially at tea time??

(@June... Mine's in the mail. No returns though ;)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Troy - this is clearly the way forward. Will book restaurant immediately and let you know the outcome. And how many women quietly asked for what I was having. (I LOVE that film!!)x
LJ - thank you Jo!! BTW have donated towards your friend... has she reached £1,000 yet??x
Tatersmama - oh, a thoroughly heartfelt comment!!! Agree with every word, and hope that Old Guy truly isn't constipated...xx

Catharine Withenay said...

But see - you can say Yes! And I'm sure you'd manage other Yeses as well, such as 'Shall I cook dinner for you tonight?' or 'Let's leave the children with parents/babysitter and go away to a posh hotel for a night.'
It's just getting the Husband to ask the right questions...!

TheMadHouse said...

The thing is I had this voice even before we were married, poor DH is henpecked!

Humdrum Mum said...

Saying No is meant to make you feel assertive, but why do I feel guilty?! I love "Reading my book" ... too much! -HMx

Potty days! said...

It must be the time of year, or our age, as I too have just turned into a NO person!. I love your No3,odd really, as after reading your blog I thought it would have been No2 (toilet joke there). My hubby will be sat in the chair next to me, the phone will ring, he will say 'Can you get that' I say 'NO', he stands up mumbles a moan about having to actually get up, I hear the moan...retort with a 'f---k you' - the call is for me!

Potty days! said...

Interesting advice from 'Troy'. His wife must have wonderful evenings out!.

Mwa said...

That's too recognisable. But I found my married voice really early on. And it's going strong with a new baby not sleeping through the night. VERY very strong.

Lorraine The Party Times said...

first visit and am giggling at this post and reaching for a glass of wine! Will be back x

Suburbia said...

Best to get it off your chest, at least he know where he stands!!!

I reckon sulking is the marriage breaker not shouting.

Just came to say thank you SO MUCH for your supportive comment at mine today. Really appreciate it
:-)

notwavingbutironing said...

Oh, you make me laugh Ladybird! That's all I've got to say (long day). x

Emma said...

Hi, I've just passed an award onto you, come by mine and collect it sometime!

Debs said...

Brilliant! I was only telling a colleague at work (who I'm sure thinks I'm happy and bubbly all the time) how my first reaction to my poor husband is usually a grumble of some sort. Thankfully he doesn't seem at all fazed when I'm po-faced.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

LWM: Yes - you made me laugh. I'm having an internal grumpy moment with my hubbie. So I've sat down - eaten a lovely piece of fruit cake (which he made). He's brilliant at doing practical stuff but rubbish at filing. This office is an absolute tip and I was having a nervous breakdown until I read your post! Hilarious. :)

Reasons said...

You sound quite resonable to me! Am much worse. Off for the gin xx