Thursday, 20 May 2010

Stepford Wife Moment

I have been the most wonderful wife! Let me tell you all about it as it really doesn't happen that often.
It was about 8 o'clock the other night and I was preparing supper. Old fish with left over vegetables hurled in oven.
When Husband rang. Poor love sounded totally Knackered.
'Just leaving now,' he croaked, barely able to form a sentence in his tiredness.
'Back about 9.00.'
We exchanged very brief Pleasantries before I replaced the phone.
And back I walked into my kitchen, hearing the sounds of children fighting and bath water definitely being splashed with some force.
Thoughtfully I opened the oven.
Yeurrch. Disgusting. And no Husband to eat it for an hour. Steps needed to be made to assist the poor man in his tiredness.
And, quite suddenly, just like that, there was Me. The Perfect Wife!
Never before had I felt quite so purposeful! Powerful, even! Yippee!
Up I went to the carnage of the bathroom. I clapped my hands for silence. That didn't work, so I yelled hard instead. That worked a treat and within moments all was quiet.
Another few minutes on and all children were bathed, pyjamed (?) and ready for bed. Teeth gleaming white, hair brushed, Fifties style, and everyone calling out Goodnight! just like the bloody Waltons.
Wafted down to the kitchen, put on my apron (!) chucked out First Disgusting Supper to the chickens and Prepared the Alternative Supper, a simple but delicious concoction.
Lit a fire in the sitting room as it was so Effing cold.
Polished (!) our gorgeous antique table in the sitting room and tore outside to get some flowers to put on it. Plumped up cushions, checked for Cat Crap, as you do, and raced upstairs to brush my own hair.
Down I came, supper gently cooking, fire blazing, sitting room warm and cosy, and children in bed.
(go on, aren't you DAMNED impressed?)
In came Husband, bent in half with exhaustion.
Did I kiss him home?
Yes, I did.
Did I ask him how he was in gentle concerned tones?
Yes, I did.
Did I take his coat and ask him if he wanted a drink?
Yes, I did.
Did his eyes light up when he saw the fire?
Yes, they did.
Did he turn to me and give me a grateful hug and tell me what a star I was?
Yes, he did.
Shame about the next evening. Shit supper, shouty children and bugger all patience.
But, Oh! It was damned good while it lasted.


Leilani Lee said...

Yes, I would say you are a most amazing wife. You obviously love him very much -- one minute you are laughing at him in his tennis outfit and the next being kindness personified.

Vicus Scurra said...

I will be there about 8 - no need for the kiss and sloppy stuff, just give me a nice vegan organic dinner. In return you can absorb my wit and charisma.

Anonymous said...

We wives certainly all have our moments of perfection, don't we.


Robynn's Ravings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robynn's Ravings said...

(If one could type, one would be so pleased. Two might even be pleased! Sorry about the delete above but I couldn't abide the typo.)

You inspire me today!! What a cozy picture you painted of marital felicity - what with all that pillow plumping and cat crap removing. Who gives a rat's patoot if it only lasted a night? That's more than they might get. Wish I could do the same tonight as mine's been working like the devil were at his heels and any rest would end in capture.

No chance tonight though. He's late again, I'm at a dinner engagement, tomorrow night the male child has two performances on piano, and Saturday he works again and we have an out-of-town relative. But I'll start puckering up so my lips are all muscular and not flabby, should the moment present itself. Besides I may need them. If I do all this he may go into cardiac arrest and I might need to give him mouth-to-mouth.

NO ONE writes like you! What a treat to read you this morning. :)

lakeviewer said...

You are GOOD! Did you think about your needs after a long day? NOOOOO! YOu kept thinking of his, his. Darn, you are a martyr.

Expat mum said...

I have moments like that too. This morning I couldn't sleep past 6 (aarrgghh!) so I got up, showered (yes!), washed my hair (I know!) and came downstairs. Made the kids lunches, put out the breakfast dishes, the milk and bowls, fed the dog etc. etc. Was I feeling like a good, organised mother or what?
Such a rarity was this however, that all the kids went straight to the cupboards and got out all their own breakfast stuff anyway.

Tatersmama said...

I'm DAMNED impressed! Hey, it may have been fleeting, but at least it was heart felt, eh?
But... I'm afraid that if you do this TOO often, you'll give the rest of us a bad name.
Well, me anyway.

I need to go check for cat crap now ... Dammit, a woman's work is never done!

Troy said...

And no traces of the afternoon toy boy? Truly the perfect wife!

俊君 said...


Ladybird World Mother said...

LL -oh you darling! Yes I DO love him very much... just with the perfect wife thing would be more constant!
VS - of course, darling VS... there is nothing like some nice wit and charisma after a good dinner... with mints and a good glass of port. x
SD -all too brief! x
Robynn -!!!!!! loved, loved this comment. Rats patoot indeed!! You do make me feel warm and fuzzy after one of your comments... THANK YOU!! xxxx
lakeviewer - I KNOW!! Aren't I just amazing!! Oh, dear, if only....xx
EM - oh, this made me giggle... the exact same syndrome!! We should give it a name... any ideas???! xx
Tatersmama - did you find any??! (cat crap) Promise I wont be perfect too often... must think of the rest of you... ;) xx
Troy - I know, I know... perfection all around... (well at least he wasnt the Troy Boy, eh?!)
To the next comment... (which incidently to those of you who cant read Chinese, (come ON, get WITH IT) means, Friend is a Mirror... (Impressed? I am)

Anonymous said...

That's a great post. Better not let my other half read it ..... I might have to raise my game ;o)

June said...

Congratulations! You have won this month's Amazing Wife Award!
Here: Take this.
It's a lovely rosebud-embroidered voile apron. You'll notice there's a very small comb in one pocket and a fresh lipstick in the other. On occasion, you may want to wear it alone. ;-P
Sometimes I think that 1950s advice to wives wasn't so ridiculous as we'd like to think it was. "Have the children clean and quiet. Look pretty. Inquire about his day. Don't bother him with problems as soon as he walks in the door."

As for the next shitty shouty evening, well, that's life.

diney said...

He probably didn't know what had hit him, coming home to Waltons land! It must feel good though to be such a good wife - I must try it someday!!

Lou said...

The thing is, if us wifelets didn't revert to the norm of shitty dinners, frightening hair styles and moody kids, how would the hubby's notice when we put on a bit of an effort? Well done you, just not too often OK?

But, bugger me, I've never even thought to look for cat now...

Anonymous said...

Wow. I think I want to marry you!

Anonymous said...

Damn you're good! Even more so because you fell off the perfect-wife-pedestal the following night...

Lakeland Jo said...

I washed other half's shorts and teeshirt overnight cos he wanted them to wear today - there they were this morning at crack of dawn ready to wear. Aren't we fab?

Anonymous said...

Definitely an amazing wife, so much better than me I have to add.

CJ xx

Tattie Weasle said...

Never mind damned impressed I am damned if mine ever gets hold of this post he'll go "See at least she can do it once!"

Working Mum said...

I thought I'd stepped back into the 1950s then. Watch out,or you'll make the rest of us look bad!

Catharine Withenay said...

You are fantastic and, even more so now, I am in awe of you. I love the fifties imagery! Can't imagine getting children to bed peacefully... but sounds a lovely dinner for two.

Anonymous said...


Livvy U. said...

DEFINITELY only something you (one) can pull off only once a year... but credit where it's due, sounds wonderful.

imbeingheldhostage said...

If I greeted my husband in such a manner, he'd start looking for whatever expensive thing I must have purchased during the day. You are a star! Even if it did only last for one day ;-)

Ella said...

I'm a mum of four too but I can honestly say I can't remember an evening where I managed all that! Well done!