Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Anyone for Tennis

I am my Husband's biggest fan. Honestly.
But when it comes to Tennis Gear, I may become a tad disloyal.
We were down in Devon this weekend. Staying with Mother In Law.
Mother in Law had kindly asked me to play tennis with her friends on Bank Holiday Monday.
I kindly refrained. Preferring my nice soft bed and a lengthy breakfast to getting out at high speed to play tennis with some nifty eighty year olds. Who are far better than me.
I have enough humiliation in my life. Who needs more?
So Husband Volunteered.
'I'll play,' he said, somewhat grandly, over his pre-supper whisky and soda.
'Have you any tennis gear?' I asked him. Knowing he didn't. But using that Wifely Concern to back the poor sod into a corner.
'Yup,' he said breezily. 'Got some in a cupboard somewhere.'
My brows furrowed as I conjured up pictures of Green Flash Tennis Shoes, all the rage in 1975, and Fred Perry shorts. Tight enough to damage the balls. As it were.
The morning came. Breakfast was leisurely enough for me. But Husband had to forgo his second coffee to dash upstairs to Kit Himself Up for the tennis game.
MIL and I poured ourselves another cup of coffee and complained about the children for a few minutes. (One of MIL's favourite topics. Say no more)
When down the stairs came the sound of Husband, two steps at a time. Jaunty.
MIL and I turned round to see what he was wearing
Oh My Lord.
Husband was sporting what on first sight appeared to be Underpants. White. Tight.
MIL and I spat out coffee in an agonised and Prolonged fit of Hysteria.
Husband stood there, waiting for us to finish laughing. He does that a lot.
When the first bout had died down, I looked more closely.
Tight Fred Perry shorts were teamed with a pair of brown socks, and BROWN SUEDE SHOES!
OMG. Hysteria won again. And I entered Bout 2 of silent, painful laughter. Tears formed. Stomach hurt. And the wheezing began in earnest. (I wheeze like an old man when I laugh that hard)
MIL was having similar problems on the other side of the table. Her shouts of laughter punctuated my wheezing, so that Husband looked from one of us to the other in a parody of the game he was about to play.
Oh dear.
The children playing outside and sensing the fun, pressed their noses against the window, and mouthed, 'What is Daddy wearing?' Their eyes wide. Astonishment written across each dear face.
I couldn't answer. It was impossible to speak any words at all. My mouth was welded open, showing all my dentistry, and I tried in vain to fight the hysteria.
Husband gave up and went to find his tennis racket.
'Is. It. Wooden?' I asked, forcing out the words. Paralysed again by such wit.
Husband wasn't finding any of this very funny any more.
Which made it all the more funny. Of course.
Out he went, and we could see his legs, every inch of them from his groin down to the brown socks.
We gave up. And howled.
The last thing Husband saw as he went were the gaping mouths of his wife and mother through the windows, slapping the table in mirth.
Poor man.
And can you imagine the Eyes of those women as he emerged from his car at the tennis club? Can you?! Can you?!
If only I could have been a fly on the wall.

I think he thought he looked like this...

Only he looked more like this... in white. Oh, dear, I'm off again...


Lou said...

OMG - Brilliant post
The picture is awesone and I think we BOTH know which picture I am referring to! Lord I hope he burned THOSE shorts at the close of the day..similar request to your hubbie...yes sir-eeee.

London City Mum said...

Where DID you find that second photo? Absolutely priceless. Will never be able to watch dated tennis matches again (as befalls the BBC during Wimbledon downpours) with a straight face.


Mud in the City said...

How could you resist him??!!

(also thinking you need to build this in to your next village 'talent' show!)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Lou - shorts have actually just been washed and are hanging out on the washing line!! Will make sure they get returned to Devon forthwith. Eww.
LCM - with you on that one. Have now destroyed all fond thoughts of the seventies. Not that I had many anyway. Great pic, eh??!
Mud - now THAT is some idea!! Brewing up an act as I write...
:0 !!

Mother Hen said...

Men can be so sad! By the way, NEVER let them pick out their own swimming trunks after you have thrown out their ugly old ones either.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Oh I thought NOTHING could make me laugh this morning with the bout I've had with the flu but here I am splitting seams!!!!! I can't BELIEVE he continued on after the reaction he received from you and his mother. And the last picture? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Troy said...

What, I ask, is the point of having a digital camera if you can't take a photo of husband in his tennis gear and post it on your blog?

Does he play as well as Andy Henman and Tim Murray?

wonderwoman said...

that was brilliant - had tears rolling down!!!!


Janna Qualman said...

Lady, you have THE best stories, and such a unique way of communicating them. I'm thankful for you, and for the laughs I get when I visit.


Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Better not mention to your husband that I too was helpless with mirth at the vision you conjured up with your description of his tennis kit. I was spluttering and wheezing too. When I saw the first picture and then the second, it completely finished me. Best laugh I've had for ages. A x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Mh - DONT get me started on swimming gear. Husband sports very large swimming kit that floats around him as he swims. Nice.
Robynn - only too glad to lift the spirits a tad!! Poor you with your flu... hope its better now. Best to laugh these things away, I reckon!x
Troy - I know, I know... WHERE is the camera when you cant see for laughing. Will never let camera go again, so will always be ready to catch Husband in odd sort of garments. x
ww -hope they were rolling down the right place. x ;)
JQ - THANK YOU, Janna!! That is just so nice... glad you had a giggle. x
anne - marvellous! Might just pass on to Husband that you had as much of a laugh as me and MIL! On the other hand, maybe not... :) x

Lakeland Jo said...

my other half has just started a fitness campaign involving cycling. I wish I could sell tickets - really X Bless him X

notwavingbutironing said...

Hilarious, thank you for brightening my evening. I have a phobia of teeny tiny shorts after dating a boy with very spindly legs during the hot summer of 1983. It wasn't a good look, Gary!

diney said...

your poor husband having all of you laughing at him - and yet he still went to play tennis in that gear? That was very funny and well written!

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

Brilliant, just brilliant.

The final picture was just as I imagined he looked as I read.

Tatersmama said...

Oh.my.gosh!!! I thought I would manage to get through the post without a guffaw... but it didn't quite work out as well as I hoped.
I am so far beyond lmao off, that I'm going to have to coin a new phrase.... GMAO!! I'm GUFFAWING my arse off - and I spit my croissant on the damn monitor again!
I can just imagine the look of consternation on the poor hubby's face...while his head was going tick tock tick tock from you to MIL!!! *SNORT*!!!!

Expat mum said...

Effing 'ell, that was brilliant. I spat my Pinot Grigio out and the Ball & Chain asked me what I was laughing about. I can't tell him as that will remind him that I blog and he might read mine, but thank you for that post. I have tears rolling down my legs. Gulp.

Sir Bruin said...

Am disappointed to hear that you saw fit to laugh. Are you not aware that we blokes need our egos massaged, not mashed!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Jo - mmm. Can just see him... PLEASE sell tickets. One for me of course. x
notwavingbutironing - oh dear. That sort of thing does put a girl off. Glad Husband will NEVER wear his shorts again. Ever. x
diney - I know, I couldn't believe that he would... but he DID. And the dear ladies he played with didn't bat an eye. Or couldn't see him. x
laura - thank you!! Not a pretty picture, eh. x
Tatersmama - LOVEyour new phrase!! Will use it myself. Oh, and sorry about your croissant... xxx
EM - !!!! oh dear.. now I have tears rolling down MY leg. And how I LOVE the name Ball and Chain. Hee hee. xx
Sir B - AHA. Now that must be where I go wrong. Perhaps I should write another post about how I SHOULD have behaved. Mmmm. Quite like that idea!! xx

Bernie said...

I can't remember laughing so hard while reading any blog....this was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh and your husband must be very good natured.......:-) Hugs

Catharine Withenay said...

Love it, love it, love it!

(The article, not the shorts!)

雲亨 said...

無一事而不學,無一時而不學,無一處而不學。 ..................................................

Ladybird World Mother said...

Bernie and CW - THANK YOU!! So lovely to get such gorgeous comments. (and glad you meant the post, not the shorts, CW!! that would have been worrying.)
Would leave a comment to the next commenter but cant cut and paste that name! So ta everso, anyway.

DJ Kirkby said...

You must make this stuff up. Seriously? This actually happened? Oh dear...

Crystal Jigsaw said...

You had me in hysterics at this, such fabulously written. And that second picture is classic.

CJ xx

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Reasons said...

Absolutely hysterical!! Poor man though, you have to feel a little sorry for him.

Pamela said...

The story was a great build up to that last picture! Brilliant. I did have a moment where I pitied the poor man as it's completely something my hubby would do, thinking he looked the bees-knees. Bless.

Working Mum said...

Oh, how funny. I had an image already, but that last picture just sent me over the edge! Poor man. Poor women. Did you MIL let him go out like that?

Tattie Weasle said...

When you wnat to weep with laughter this is definitley the pl;ace to be - your poor man!

Robynn's Ravings said...

Dropping in to check on you. Hope you're on a lovely holiday but wanted to make sure you hadn't gotten flushed away or anything. Maybe you're just enjoying a long toilette. Oh Pooh. How should I know what loo-ney thing you've been up to!