Sunday, 18 April 2010

Bottoms up!

Unbelievably frightful programme on telly tonight as we had our rather late tea after mucking about in the garden all day.
Called Embarrassing Bodies.
So the clue IS in the name, but we didn't know, OK?
'This looks rather fun,' said I, munching a scone dripping with raspberry jam.
And so we watched it, on our tiny kitchen telly, the five of us.
Suddenly, across my consciousness, came the word, Weak Bladder.
'Crikey,' I said, 'I thought that lady said Weak Bladder.'
'That lady DID say Weak Bladder,' said Husband, crunching his way through a ginger biscuit.
We all chewed contentedly for a few seconds. When, all of a sudden, the Lady whipped off her knickers and was showing the Entire World her Bare Arse.
We all, as one, spat out the contents of our mouths.
And screamed. Howled with horror. And then started to laugh in earnest.
Could not contain ourselves.
More Bottoms were shown. Full on bottoms. Youngest's eyes were out on stalks.
Could not get strength in legs to get up and turn off the Carnage.
Huge Breasts came out. A Rectum.
We were Beside Ourselves.
'Ker'ist,' gasped I, 'Think I will have Weak Bladder in a moment.'
And at last the Torment was over and we were able to turn over to The Weather Lady. Never have we been so glad to see anyone, Ever, before.
We wiped our streaming eyes, poured more tea and settled ourselves down.
'Glad we didn't see a Man,' said Youngest, conversationally, 'Or we would have had to look at his Willy.'
Spat out remaining tea and gave up to Hysteria.


Kathy G said...

Life is NEVER dull at your house!

Robynn's Ravings said...

I honestly didn't think anything could make me hysterical this afternoon, other than my own neuroses (and those rarely come with hysterical LAUGHTER - unless it's of the insane asylum variety), but this was a picture to end all pictures. "Youngest's eyes were out on stalks..."

You and I might have been separated at birth with the tenor of our lives - though being so much younger than me as you are, our mother had a ridiculously long labor. No wonder I haven't seen her.



London City Mum said...

Just don't tell youngest that if he looks at the programme again he might just see a willy... or several and lots more.

Lovely. The post, that is, not the willies!


lakeviewer said...

Yeah? What kind of stuff are they teaching down there? Are they selling armored underwear to go with those bottoms?

Pamela said...

Great stuff! I do love your stories. My 3 year old calls it his billy and pays it the upmost respect. Kids are great aren't they.

Trash said...

What I never quite understand about this programme is these people are embarrassed about going to the doctor with whatever their issue is BUT they are happy to have it shown in all its glory on national telly!

Anonymous said...

Embarrassing Bodies - essential viewing!!

It is odd how people are happy to parade their bits and pieces on TV in all their swollen, scabby and flabby glory yet haven't been able to face the GP for twenty years!

Did you see the special of EB about the little girl with out-of-control verrucas?? - that was a very very positive outcome .... the programme probably saved her life!

It does worry me when the doctors say things like "this condition affects one in fifty people" - after watching a few of these you do start to wonder what will get you eventually!

Very funny post, as always :o)

Tattie Weasle said...

Berlimey I've just done the same here and nearly destroyed my computer after spitting out my tea all over it with laughter! They do say the most proceless things don't they!

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

A few weeks ago there was a willy with a bend in it. My Sister was watching with her daughter in dibelief and shock.

Anonymous said...

My friends who spent a year in the UK still come over all misty-eyed about shows such as this......

Catharine Withenay said...

Always wondered who watched that programme ... now I know!!

Anonymous said...

I don't know how people can air theirselves in public like that. They must have a stomach of steel.

CJ xx

Troy said...

But just for a moment think of the poor family who suddenly as one yell "Urgh, that's her next door!!". They could never look at her again in the same way, could they?

A better name for a programme about weak bladders and weak bowels would surely be "Piles and Puddles".

Working Mum said...

Been catching up with your last few posts and, yes, I am still here reading your lavatorial posts!! :)

Ladybird World Mother said...

KG - Nope! Never ever is. Sometimes I wish it were.... :)
RR- AHA!! So YOU are my twin sister. Been looking for you for years. Glad you did 'hysterical' as you read post. Wish you'd been sitting with us as we watched. Thought I'd choke from laughing. xx
LCM - Rather persuaded to tell him... only he will tell all his classmates that he had seen a willy on telly, and that wouldn't go down too well. As it were. x
lakeviewer - if ONLY. Then we wouldnt have to see such sights.
Pamela - a billy??!! I love that. Might start to call Husband's that. What d'you reckon?!
Trash - thats what we all kept saying. What makes anyone DO such a thing. Yeurch!
CL - I DID see the one about veruccas... that was amazing. Thank god for that doctor.
Tattie W - oh NO, hope your computer doesn't suffer from all that tea... and loved the way you spell berlimey!!
laura - crikey... a willy with a bend in it. That takes the biscuit. Am so so so glad we didnt see that one!!!
Matthew - give me their address... will send the entire series!!
CW - I know, I know... but you would be surprised how many people watched it when I re-told story to friends. 'Oh, I watched that' said about HALF of them!!
CJ - dont see any stomachs of steel. All very very flabby. ewww.
Troy - Piles and Puddles... I can see it now... there could also be a book... and how about a breakfast cereal??
WM - you loyal stalwart, you! xx

Leilani Lee said...

I have missed laughing at your blog for quite a while seeing as I have been too busy to look at anybody's blogs -- but -- I actually had a thread coming out the bottom episode once but it was the dog and not my child. Hilarious. I think you should keep right on writing these funny about "stuff". I think you do it in a very polite way without a lot of 4-letter words... don't worry about loosing followers -- you'll get more...

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Fabulous - you can ALWAYS rely on the young to have the last word. I think I may have to have a look at the programme now!

Ladybird World Mother said...

LL - oh what a nice comment... and glad you had time to pop by... and agree about the 4 letter words... no need for any of that!! xx
Anne - DONT GO THERE!! Really... its not good for one at all. Go for a lovely walk instead. Much better for the soul. xx

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Oh - OK then. A x

Reasons said...

Or infected willy which is what we came across when watching same prog. under similar circs. What are these people trying to do to us?!!

Lou said...

I'm sure you've had dozens of awards/shout-outs/stalkers BUT I've nominated you for an award with it as you see fit. Thank you for your blog

Lou said...

Fantastic, wiping my eyes, do you do B&B?

Mother Hen said...

You were very bave to be putting food in your mouth with bums in /on the air! agree with Cambidge Lady about visiting GP's. It's amazing what some people will do on TV.
You are a great read-
Thanks, Mother Hen

Anonymous said...


June said...

Good lord.
So it is true what I hear about British television...

And what do I get for my word verification but "undie"!

Libby's Library said...

I swear - you must be the funniest person on earth!

Mother Hen said...

Thanks for being the first Follower!

imbeingheldhostage said...

We had the same reaction first time we tuned in! It's amazing what they'll put on the telly these days.

Sorry I've been SO terrible about coming by, it's not for lack of trying (I've been desperate to come over here and lose myself in hysterics).

Ladybird World Mother said...

Anne - glad you are taking my advice so seriously!! x
Reasons - OMG so glad we didnt see one of those. have heard there are quite a few on that programme. Ewww.
Lou - THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! How absolutely lovely. An award always cheers me right from the toes up. Thank you! (B&B... what an idea!)x
MH - we sure were brave... bums and food do so not go together! Thanks for kind comment. And am thrilled to be your first follower!xx
Colette - だから希望私が何を話していた知っていた。しかし、お祈りとにかく!
June - it's all true... god help us. And how about that for a word veri!!
LL - you are so kind... but untrue. Youngest is the funniest person on earth!!
imbeingheldhostage - so good to see you!! I too have been crap at getting out and about on those blogs of ours. Life kind of gets in the way, eh?! xx

Humdrum Mum said...

Very funny post. I cannot bear to watch those programmes, I cringe wtih embarrassment. - HMx