Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Mixing up the Blog with Real Life

Oh, dear.
It seems that my Blog World and Real World have got mixed up rather.
Causing some Internal Family Eruptions. As it were.
Was slowly simmering a post in my head about Husband and his Morning Routines the other day. Like us Bloggers do.
You see, Husband likes to do the same thing as he gets up each morning.
Slams his hand down on the beep beeping alarm clock. With some force. Occasionally knocks it to the ground and has to find the damned thing. Groans a bit. Whips back the bedclothes, which quite often slap my somewhat sleepy face, and stands up.
There then follows a noisy and prolonged Scratching of his bottom.
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Pause. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Pause. This continues for some time. The scratching sounds strangely hollow, as if there was nothing in his buttocks but cavernous depths. But on closer inspection, I can quite clearly see his pert bottom accepting its morning Attentions.
After this he slumps over to his chest of drawers, and slides out a drawer or two. Then does it again, because he obviously hasn't found what he wanted to find. Pants? Socks? Shirt? This is where they live, but as more than seven or eight drawers are pulled open and then shut (quite noisily really) he must be looking for something else. Or the same thing over and over.
And over.
When this Petite Purgatoire is over, he tries to find the door. As far as I know, it's been in the same place for a very long time. But each morning he fumbles around to see where it is. Presumably because it might have moved in the night. On finding it, he yanks it open, because it has a little stiffness around the hinges, and goes out.
Sometimes I manage a PPPPPPWWWWP sound like a kiss. The only problem is that if he hears this he will come back in and ask all sorts of questions about how I slept and how I am, with instructions to have a lovely day. All punctuated with a kiss.
I don't WANT to wake up yet and have spent the last few minutes desperately trying to STAY ASLEEP. A difficult task under the noisy and prolonged circumstances.
So tend to be a little uncommunicative. Like Silent. But with a sleepy smile which is trying to say GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mornings are so Not My Time.

Anyway, later that evening, after my thoughts about the above post, was at a dinner party. The general conversation was of being woken in the night. Etc. So it made total sense to me to tell people about Husband scratching his bottom when he got up.
When Realised that had meandered from Blog World into Real World.
Realised too late that CANNOT tell people face to face about bottom scratching. It's kind of a Blog Thing. You know, when you are sitting at the keyboard, thinking, 'What to post today? Aha! I know! Husband scratching his bottom!'
It makes sense to you. It makes sense to me. But boy, oh, boy, it makes bugger all sense to anyone Out There.
People at dinner party were totally Stunned into hysterical and prolonged laughter. Husband pink in the face and saying things like, 'I can't BELIEVE you just told everyone that,' and, more bizarrely, 'I don't scratch my bottom, I scratch my balls.'
This caused more hysteria. One guest had to mop her eyes dry.
Oh, dear.
Think Blogging might have more to answer for than I had thought. Had no idea that my conversational nature would lead me down such dangerous paths at dinner parties.
Husband still mutters about How Could I.
I must remember to Think Before Speaking when out and about.
Must Sellotape Mouth Shut at next dinner party.
And will make clear boundaries between Blog and Life.
Because it Simply Won't Do to get that muddled up again.


Tattie Weasle said...

oing same as lady at dinenr party and wiping my e4yes - oh boy did I need that today!

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

I'm joining Tattie and the dinner party guest.

My husband probably wouldn't speak to me again.


Tatersmama said...

Ahhh... Et Tu, Brutus? I've crossed the line between blogging and real life a time or two, but never with your hilarious results!
And dang you! I have a computer screen to clean now, but I'll be thinking about your husbands bottom while I do it. And wiping my eyes. Which is better than wiping his bottom I suppose. ;-)

Heather said...

the fact that he thinks scratching his balls is way better, is hilarious.

wonderwoman said...

that was brilliant - and sooo typical of a man - maybe its inborn that they wake up that way!!!!


geraldgee said...

You mean husband keeps shirts and pants in drawers? What's wrong with the floor?

Hadriana's Treasures said...

...if you were at a "Wossy" Dinner Party...I wonder what would happen?! Any chance of a blog about that? Be great!

the mother of this lot said...

How could you indeed?!

Bernie said...

Am still laughing, poor husband - is he still talking to you.

This was a great post....:-) Hugs

Anonymous said...

Absolutely brilliant!

But I have to ask, just why are balls so apparantly itchy??

trash said...

Agree with Heather. Thinking that scratching his balls makes it better has me grinnning maniacally.

Ladybird World Mother said...

TW - am hugely glad that this supplied you with a giggle!
BIB - Oh, goody... another damp eyed one... Husband is speaking to me... I made him read the post!
Tatersmama - your comment has made Husband roar with laughter! Showed him post and comments last night...am surprisingly still alive. Yippee!
Heather - I know, isn't it fab Man Logic!
ww - I reckon it must be... but in gods name WHY??!
gg - No, gg, he keeps them in the drawer because I Pick Them Up Off The Floor. Honestly. xx
HT - now this sounds like a plan. Can you imagine... right, thinking cap on! x
themotherofthislot - oh, now that makes me feel very ashamed....for a small moment. oooh. Better now!
Bernie - amazingly he is, considering I made him read this post! xx
Mud - darling Mud, you DONT have to ask why balls are so scratchy. PLEASE dont. Yeeurrrrccch. Actually, I wonder why too... (heat?, oh god, its a nasty visual coming up, must stop this now)
Trash - I know, I know... his logic... you should have seen the indignation on his face at the time!!

Working Mum said...

LOL! I've been so close to doing this. Yours is a cautionary tale. Usually, I go the other way, I find myself telling my colleagues stories and think "that'll make a good blog post"! Or something happens in the house and husband says "that'll be on the blog tomorrow". He knows me too well.

Leilani Lee said...

I constantly think about crossing the line because I had it hammered into my head constantly when I was growing up: don't make fun of, or criticize, or fight with, or belittle your husband in public. Does the blog count? Hilarious story though

Suburbia said...

Hee hee! I have done something similar (different subject matter tho'!) Must stick to the edges of reality!!!

Troy said...

Like you, I sometimes I manage a PPPPPPWWWWP sound first thing in the morning. However unlike in your family, my wife's only comment is along the lines "must you do that in bed?"

Anonymous said...

oh my, you have me laughing at this. Why do they all do this? Do we scratch down below? Nope.

I must make a note of going to more dinner parties. In fact I must go to my first soon.

CJ xx

Jennifer Adams-Juan said...

OMG! I find this post so funny! Hilarious! =)

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"One guest had to mop her eyes dry"

Wiping mine.

What is it with the slamming of drawers. Mine does the same as I'm asleep three feet away. I can only imagine if I did that to him!

Sounds like you two are rather fun to invite to a dinner party.

Potty days! said...

Sadly they all do it men just won't admit it. My son (age 9) constantly has his hands down his pants..I am just praying he gets out of the habit very soon!..is it normal?

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Brilliant - not sure what had me laughing more LWM - your description of the early morning scratch or the telling of it at dinner, and your husband's outraged reaction. Hilarious.

Barbara said...

Reminded me of the old question, "Why to women rub their eyes in the morning?"....to which the response of course, is "Because they don't have balls to scratch!" Great blog! Totally enjoyed it!

Barbara said...

That's "Why DO women rub their eyes..." Obviously I need to rub mine and proofread!

Clippy Mat said...

Sometimes it's hard to separate the real and blog worlds. But always best to cos it comes out a lot different in the spoken as opposed to the written word doesn't it?
Just caught up on your last few posts.
All great reads.
Loved them.