Thursday, 3 December 2009

Mystery Solved!

Awful smell in our kitchen the other day. Hot Sewage type odour. Inexplicable. Sniffed everywhere and cleaned each and every surface. Twice.
Husband came home and sniffed too. We pulled out panels from under cupboards to see if Cat has crapped under there. Hadn't.
Balanced precariously on top of kitchen counter, stretching up and craning neck against ceiling to see if Cat has crapped ceremoniously up there. Hadn't.
Cleared out each and every cupboard. Drawer. Book case.
No crap anywhere.
And today Roy, Middle Son's guitar teacher came.
Passing the time of day, as you do, when I opened fridge and Out Came Smell.
'There it is!' I yelled excitedly. 'Here, Roy, smell the fridge!'
He obligingly stuck his nose in there and inhaled deeply.
'Cheese,' he said.
'Dammit,' I said, somewhat despairingly. 'Not poo then?'
Give him his due, he didn't look at all phased at this query. He probably knows me well enough to realise that there is More To The Story.
In some despair I stuck my nose between the fridge and the cupboard next to it. A tiny crack about one centimetre wide.
'Oh My God That Is The Smell!!!!' The excitement. Roy kindly put his nose there too and recoiled in Disgust.
It was Truly Disgusting. Wafting out gently from between fridge and cupboard.
'Must be something dead down there.' I said. 'Cup of tea?'
Roy, looking a little weak at the thought of dead things lurking, nodded.
I bustled him and Middle Son out of kitchen and off they went for the lesson.
Husband came home not long after Roy had gone.
'Smell Mystery Solved!' I told him. Jubilantly.
And shoved him and his nose in the Crack. As it were.
He breathed in deeply.
'Yup,' he said, turning an ivy green. 'Definitely there. Will sort that this weekend.'
Now, bearing in mind that it was only Tuesday was not particularly thrilled by the suggestion.
'Let's do it now!' I said.
'Let's not!' said Husband.
'No, let's!' I said.
And so it Began.
Carefully pulled out fridge.
'Think we should empty it, actually,' said Husband, being a tad Male and Bossy.
'Nonsense!' said I. 'Let's just get bloody on with it,' being a tad Female and Bossy.
Carefully eased out the fridge. Which is one of those weird ones that looks like a door, but isn't. Because behind the door, stuck to the back of it, is a Fridge.
Nice to look at when in kitchen.
But Hell to take out to investigate Smells.
On pulling out fridge One More Fraction, there came from within Bowels of Fridge an almighty CRASH as Something Fell Down In It.
'Oh, dear,' I said. A little Perturbed.
At this point, the entire Fridge decided to fall on Husband.
Who landed on floor, holding fridge up with Left Foot and Determination.
I yelled. Loudly. Grabbing Fridge with right hand and left foot.
Thought about giggling but was too busy getting Enormous Beast of a Fridge off Husband, now lying with Green Tomato Chutney running down his leg and what looked like Raspberry Jam and Red Currant Jelly in his shoe.
Hysterics rising fast, yelled at Husband to get up and push.
From a Lying Down Position, Husband managed to cram Fridge back in from one side, while I heaved and pushed on the other.
Fridge slid back with satisfying clunk.
Husband got up.
Not a Pretty Sight.
Cream, chutney, wine, milk, jam, jelly and apple crumble were in a Glorious Muddle all over his leg, the floor and the entire front of the fridge.
'Um.' I said. Helpfully.
'Should have emptied it.'
Husband gave me one of those Looks.
Not a Long, Lingering, Hot Honeymoon Look.
Just a Short One. Devoid of Affection.
We then proceeded to take Every Last Item out of Fridge, cleaned the Bastard out, pulled it out again, this time with no Disastrous Consequences.
And Found The Origin of Smell.
Won't go into the rather Dull Details.
(Has anyone got this far in the post? You have? Well done!!)
Suffice it to say, took rather a Long Time to clear it all away.
Cleaned every surface. Again.
Husband had rather dull time on Internet looking up How to rid your Fridge of Smells. Which apparently 576,956 other people had also looked up.
Cleaned and cleaned.
And after about an hour or so, the kitchen looked sort of how it had looked about an hour or so before.
So that was good then!
Must remember to Listen to Husband's Suggestions.
Would save an awful lot of trouble.
And mess.
And time.
Trouble is, wouldn't be half so much fun.
I mean, what on earth would I blog about?! ;)


Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Love it. I know those looks well. The ones when you should have taken their advice but didn't. Get a lot of them myself. Will learn one day, but you know - like you say - what would we blog about?

Did make me laugh though, can picture every jar of tomato chutney, every green gag, every sinew hoisting fridge back into place.

Did husband mutter darkly afterwards... 'this is going in the blog isn't it?' with a glurring glower?

MrsMama said...

Love the story! Glad you discovered the source of the smell. Once a little critter died in our office closet wall. There is nothing like the smell of death in the house. (gag)

Hope husband casts kinder looks your way soon! :)

Troy said...

What a great husband! A lesser one would have inserted you in the space before replacing the fridge.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahahaha! Thank you so much for the laugh. That was a great story, and told so well, as always.

Kitty said...

We once had one of those smells. Absolutely disgusting - sniffed all over the house and eventually decided it was the main bedroom from where the smell originated, not the chimney as we first thought. Eventually we had to take up the flooboards - a mouse had died on a heating pipe :-O I will never forget that smell as long as I live - you have my sympathies.

cheshire wife said...

Well that is one job less to do this weekend.

Malc said...

Sensible forward planning is the enemy of entertaining blogging.
What was the smell? It might be dull, but I'm curious all the same.

elizabethm said...

You have a hero there. We had a smell here like that, was mouse.

Pam said...

Fabulous story! Was it a dead mouse?
I'm hoping it was an English type fridge and not a humongous American fridge that landed on you hubby.

geraldgee said...

You do make I larf Ladybird Earth Mother :O) xxx

Sir Bruin said...

Strangely, this very morning, I had a conversation with the Smaller Bear. The subject was about how the male default position is always "right". I reckon you should have listened.

Debs said...

Glad you and husband survived and now you have a beautifully spotless fridge just in time for Christmas.

Alix said...

Best post ever. I dub it so. And this made me roar with laughter: 'Must be something dead down there.' I said. 'Cup of tea?' There were other great one-liners further down too, but I didn't stop to copy and paste. I was too enthralled with the story.

Reminds me of when we had a dead rat in the Coke vending machine at work. We wondered why empty cans of Coke kept coming down the chute with little punctures in them. Poor rat must have died from a sugar coma.

When will you tell us about the smell source? You can't not, you know. That would be cruel.

Ladybird World Mother said...

BIB - There are 'looks' and 'looks' are there not!! Glad you get them too...strangely Husband never mentioned the blog... and hasnt yet read the post!
Mrs M - you'll be glad to know that I am totally forgiven... yes, smell of death Not Good. :)x
Troy - Aha... so that was what he was trying to do as we put the fridge back a second time...
Jeff - glad you liked it... anything for a blog tale...x
Kitty - yeurch. Dead mice and heat do not mix well. Totally disgusting! x
CW - now thats just what I said... once we had cleared it all away. Thing is I got another Look. x
Malc... the smell... it came from the drainage thingy wotsit... something indescribably revolting must have been trapped in it for YEARS and it just decided to start smelling. Was like old but pungent poo. And I swear I dont put poo in our fridge. Really.
Elizabeth - mouse. Not good. Been there and done that!x
Pam - was a humungous fridge. But not American style as in Small House. Just a Big Fridge.x
gg - As you make I larf, gg! xxx
(and what a great name for myself... shall I change it now??!)
Sir B - sadly I think that you may be right. But on the other hand .....;)x
Debs - yes, there is always a silver lining. Yippee! No more cleaning out the fridge until February! (told you I was a house slut)x
alix - Darling girl.. I have the biggest favour... PLEASE post about the vending machine... I simply have to find out the full story. PLEASE?????? XXXX

Mwa said...

The look of doom. Also firmly installed in our house. Perhaps emptying it might have been a good idea. ;-)

Anonymous said...

A very funny story well told - thank you for sharing it :)

Tattie Weasle said...

I know all about those not hot honeymoon looks - perhaps that's why I laughed so much and all Dear Charlie did was roll his eyes when I told him....

Tatersmama said...

What WAS it?? You can NOT just leave me hanging here. Just in case something like that happens at my house and I need to identify the smell before moving the damn fridge out.
Ermmm... to tell you the truth, it has happened, and I just want to be prepared before pulling stuff out of the cupboard. If it's a mouse, I'm certain that the smell will eventually go away, no?
I'm quite happy to BBQ outside until it does. *URP*

Suburbia said...

So go on then! What was it that was causing such a pong?! It wasn't embarrassing was it?! ;)

Donn said...

Really dead Mouse wuzzinnit?
Eew been there, done that.

Caught 19 one year on the ole sticky traps :(
It was unnerving when the first one required the coup de gras..helpless little squeaks...covered it in a bag and guillotined the bugger with a huge shovel..
a bit of overkill and drama.

By #14 it was WAR and I would have Peta on my front lawn if I ever exposed my methodology.

Anonymous said...

But WHAT caused the smell - I need to know!!

Nancy said...

LOL - Don't you hate it when they are right?

Robynn's Ravings said...

BUT WHAT WAS IT?!!!! Dying to know now. I'm guessing a rotten potato!

LOVED your line about husband looking at you without "affection." In fact, it made me stop and make the face myself! lol Guess I acted out my own little play for my own amusement. Are you disturbed yet?!

Oh, I've MISSED YOU!!!!

Jayne said...

Oh My Goodness! That was so funny! Thank you for the giggle and for reminding me why I should be back blogging again :)

But what was it?! I NEED to know!!!!

Kate said...

Loved this! Mars and Venus on the domestic task front. My hubbie would have emptied the fridge too. Preparation is key, says he frequently (usually somewhat pompously).

imbeingheldhostage said...

Thanks for the belly laugh! Great story that I'm sure the Hubby will find hilarious in a few years.

My word veri is only one x-tra letter away from being "Messi"

Ladybird World Mother said...

mwa - should have emptied it. Really should have!
CL- my pleasure! x
TW - aha, the look coupled with the rolling of the eyes... know them both!
tatersmama - it was not a Dead Thing. Phew. Just a whole lot of unmentionable black yeurrchy stuff stuck in the condensation channel on back of fridge! Yippee!x
Suburbia - thank god it wasnt embarrassing... that would be Bad. Very Bad. :)x
Don - yeww!!! Amazing how blase we get with getting rid of these damned mice... but 19!! Congratulations!!
Mud - Very Dull Back Of Fridge Condensation Channel. How dull can a smell BE!!x
Nancy - Hate it... how very dare they be right!
Robynn - oh, bless your heart for acting it out! You do make me laugh... and have missed you too!!!
jayne - dont stop blogging!! Glad you got coaxed back for a little read!!
Kate - pomposity... not an attractive thing, eh??!!
Imbeingheldhostage - those word veri's are so accurate sometimes... love that one!x

Clippy Mat said...

brill, as always. :-)
but didn't you leave out the part where your husband, holding the fridge up with his left foot, swore, cursed and blue blazed you and the rest of mankind? surely, nobody's that good?