Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Fly Like An Eagle


OK. So what would YOU do? You're sitting on the loo. Busy. Half way through you hear the distinct and unpleasant sound of Buzzing. From Beneath. Sort of Vibrating in the bowl. Under Your Bottom. The buzzing seems to Eminate from a cross and possibly quite damp fly.


Do you:

1) Ignore it. It will go away.
2) Look between legs and hope that it will go away.
3) Worry about where might Fly might go if pushed to Shove, as it were.
4) Get up and remove Fly, thereby interrupting the Flow.
5) Lift one buttock to see if fly will fly out from space between buttock and loo seat.

Well.
I did Number 4.
Should have done Number 1. WHY didn't I do Number 1? Or Number 2,3,or 5?
Not a Wise Move.
Having Empathy for large Buzzy bluebottle flies under bottom is verging on the Ridiculous. No, not Verging.
IS RIDICULOUS.
Next time will forget the Saving Wildlife thing and do what is best for me and my Flow.
I put the brakes on so hard, as it were, that have probably pulled muscle in Pelvic Floor. Distorted Entire Area.
However.
99% success. If you see what I mean. Which is damned good considering four children. Natural births. And all that Malarkey.
But wait!
Have saved the fly!
The little bastard flew out, after a little coaxing with wads of loo paper and a spot of Persuasion with the Loo Brush, and was last seen heading out of the window.
Problem is that it is most likely to be the same bloody fly I tried to Wallop this morning as it hovered above the butter on kitchen table.
Honestly.
You just can't win.

22 comments:

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Is it just me, or do a frighteningly large percentage of your posts involve activities that take place on, in, or around the loo....

Anyway, for future reference:
- If it's a fly, go with option 1.
- If it's a bee, wasp, hornet or other stinging or biting creature, option 4.
- If it's a SPIDER, run from the room screaming like a little girl (not that *I* would do that, mind you, but you most certainly should).

London City Mum said...

You are bonkers!

LCM x

p.s. due to some 'issues' with former employer I have had to make my own blog invitation only, but believe existing bloggers should be able to access it - please let me know if this is not the case and send me your email address to londoncitymum@gmail.com so I can add you to the list!! x

Mwa said...

I'd be too worried about what it might fly against/up, so I'd have to get up as well.
(Please don't let other commenters dissuade you from loo posts (Jeff!) because I love them.)

Suburbia said...

Ewwwwwwww!

trashalou said...

Bugger ... once again laughing too hard to type properly.

geraldgee said...

LOOdybird World Mother? xxx

Clippy Mat said...

there should be no empathy for large bluebottles who invade our personal space(s).
none.
whatsoever.
;-)

Nancy said...

LOL! I think I would have done what you did because of the thought of it landing...

Boyfromoz said...

Could you not have hosed it , so to speak, into a watery grave? That's what I do to sundry of God's little creatures - but then us blokes have the distinct advantage of hand/eye co-ordination!

Pam said...

I would have gone with # 4 too but then killed the little blighter. I'm not an animal killer generally but flies and wasps are fair game.
Also, I am MUCH impressed with the stop mid-flow. You must have done your Kegel exercises! I obviously didn't seeing as I sometimes wee when I laugh, cough or sneeze!!!

Jayne said...

oh no, I can imagine the quandary!!! I think I may have tried number 3......possibly! lol

Tattie Weasle said...

Mid flow stoppage and four children - I'm in serious awe. But honestly I'd of killed the fly.

CambridgeLady said...

That is so funny. I think I would have hovered, finished the job, and hoped the fly got the hint to buzz off! And that level of control after four kids .... I am seriously impressed .... must start doing those little exercises again :S

Ladybird World Mother said...

Jeff - I know, I know... will make conscious effort not to involve lavatories in my next twelve posts. How about that?! x
LCM - delighted to be on the list... see you there! x
Mwa - glad you like the bog humour... and glad you'd get up too... I tell you, that buzzing was horrible! x
Suburbia - ewwww indeed. Or bzzzzz.
Trashalou - oh dear... always a problem... glad you got a giggle out of my fly!x
gg - !!!! Loodybird World Mother from now on I think! xx
Clippy Mat - totally agree... the SOUND of the thing near one's bottom is Not Good. x
Nancy - STOP RIGHT THERE!! Too right... its not a pretty thought.x
Boyfromoz - hosing is not something that us girls can do.. Spray - yes. Hose - No. Dammit. x
Pam - I know, I was rather impressed with the old pelvic floor too... just goes to show that when you're up against it, as it were, you can still pull the stops out... or the muscles in. x
Jayne - aha! a number three girl. Me too. Not a good feeling. Quite literally. x
TW - thank you. Proud moment it was. x

Ladybird World Mother said...

CL - oh, you slipped in there without me noticing... I must say, had hoped to hover and then get the hell out but fly was just Too Buzzy. Action had to be taken and fast!! xx

Lakeland Jo said...

Fraid I wouldve drowned the little pest

Working Mum said...

Ha ha ha! Falling about laughing.

I can't believe you wrote a blog post about that! Classic!

Troy said...

Shouldn't this be Lavatorial World Mother?

Tatersmama said...

I don't care what you post about (loo-antics included) because you are just so darn funny, that you cause "loo-related accidents" when I'm sitting in my computer chair.
Sympathy? Empathy? I dunno... I do know that after 3 children, I would have dribbled the poor fly to death, regardless. No choice in the matter. ;-{
And if it WAS the same fly that you tried to wallop earlier, just be thankful that the situation wasn't reversed, and he was crawling on the butter AFTER escaping the loo!!

Robynn's Ravings said...

You are LOOney! How about flushing as an option? A little wild ride down the big water park slide? If that didn't work I do agree immediate removal of your posterior is the only option. A toilet bowl isn't big enough for both a bum and a fly. The fly takes up far too much space.

Donn said...

For one brief, shining, moment I am not ashamed to have a wenis..
for I would have turned this unfortunate incident into a marvelous, little, game and taken the hum-drudgery out of whizzing.

Yes I would have gladly strafed the little bastard into the next world with all the power that I could summon from Mr Prostate.

I mention this only in the hope that you do not divulge my sadistic behaviorial fantasy to the misanthropes at PeTA, or the Dalai Lama, whom of course, would never harm a Fly.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Thanks, you lot, for more lovely messages... sorry for another collective one. Such a cheat, am I.
Am now going to stop the lavatorial humour before am called Lavatorial World Mother. Thanks Troy!! Could catch on... and need to retain that aura of grandeur I pass off so well. Not.
Madly, horribly busy. End of term, pantomime, plays, nativities, etc etc. Will visit you all when have a mo. Like next year. Kisses all round.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx