Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Sheep in garden

Catchy title,eh? Problem is that its true. The school at the end of my drive (incidently my children's primary school... brilliant for commuting, hell for lending milk, bread, suitcases - dont ask) rang me yesterday at 2.29pm, just as I was about to have a well earned lunch, having tidied the kitchen.
'Mrs G?' asked the very polite tones of teacher/friend Mrs H.
'Mrs H?' I answered.
'There appears to be some sheep in your garden.'
In case you were wondering, my garden is visible from the school office.
'Oh,' I said.
This has happened before. I am quite used to sheep in my garden.
With some resignation I put on my boots and went to see the damage. Mrs H was right. There were sheep in my garden. About twenty five of them. They looked so sweet in the afternoon sun, snatching away at my lawn, shitting and wee'ing in that purposeful way they have. Got to be purposeful about something, I suppose, if you are a sheep. Not much else to do.
One hour later, I had located and rang the owner of the sheep. I had built a wall of bikes, prams, sandpits (portable) and bits of wood to keep the sheep in the garden round the back of the house. There was a slide, put sideways, to block another way out through a gap in a hedge. I had artfully placed a huge piece of metal (bloody heavy) across another potential exit, and was having a congratulatory cup of tea, when I saw 25 sheep heading up the drive.
'Christ,' I thought. Not more sheep.
No. Not more. The same. Escaped. Bloody Houdinis, the lot of them.
Ran like a mad woman, waving arms and legs, shooshing them back down drive. Through the exit from whence they had escaped. Put detritus back to cover hole.
Went back to finish tea.
Not long after a man with dog arrived to take said sheep away. I took him round to the back of the house to get the sheep. Empty. Gone. Vamooshed.
'Bollocks,' I said. A faint Baaaa was heard. We both ran round the back of the house, leaped over the slide, put sideways, to block that exit,(remember?) and stood panting in the sun. There were the sheep, all in a neat woolly row, big rumps facing us, carefully eating their way through my juniper hedge.
'Sorry 'bout that,' said the man.
'Woof,' said the dog.
'No problem,' said I.
He whistled to his dog, who immediately barked and started to crawl towards the sheep like Daniel Craig in Quantom of Solace. Haven't seen it yet but surely he must do it somewhere in the film. Spies always do, don't they?
The sheep, instantly alerted, opened their mouths and baa'ed their heads off, at the same time as haring it off down my drive. Hopefully for the last time. The man tipped his hat (honest, I am not making this up) and left. The sheep were nowhere to be seen. Or the dog. Man sauntered down my drive, turned the corner and was gone.
'Well,' I thought.
And they say country life is dull.
Could have fooled me.
Texted my friend and told her about 25 sheep in garden.
She texted back. 'Most people count sheep when they are asleep.'
Ah, that's it, then.
It was a dream. Thank god for that.
But how does that explain the photograph?

10 comments:

imbeingheldhostage said...

holy cow, I just laughed all the way through this. You may regret coming by, because I am going to follow you. You made me laugh and your profile was like reading my journal!

Far Side of Fifty said...

What and you didn't keep even one of the runaways! Great story! :)

East Anglian Troy said...

I was just thinking that if you made some pens in your garden then you could play Sheep Sudoku.

But then I worked out you would need 81 pens and 405 sheep which seems a trifle excessive.

Alternatively you could get a couple of rabbits and play Rabbit Sudoku next week.

Also, this reminded of the welsh guy who invented a new use for sheep - wool.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Lunch at 2.29pm I would have swooned by then! (It does sound like something out of Wallace and Gromit I have to admit...how exciting!)

cheshire wife said...

We have had a few sheep in our front garden a couple of times which panicked me. So I am not sure what 25 would do. We do not have anything as exotic as juniper for them to eat. They have to make do with ivy.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Excellent.

There are parts of the north country where you'd need planning permission for converting your garden into a leisure centre.

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh this made me giggle, you are wonderfully descriptive and made me very glad that I experienced this from my sheepless dining room.

Ladybird World Mother said...

imbeingheldhostage - so glad you had a giggle! Life can be a hoot sometimes. Thats what I love about blogging... we can all laugh at each other's mad events. love your blog!
far side of fifty - we thought about it but too late! One friend thought we could have put them in the shed and sold them at the Christmas fair... (not really, honest)
troy - this is a very good idea indeed but just one thing... where on earth could I find a pencil big enough?? lol as always.
hadriana - quite right, I was swooning. Usually have to eat ever so regular or become Beast Incarnate. You the same?!
Cheshire wife - thats why they dont come back. Ivy. Honestly. You need much more upmarket hedges than that for sheep. Juniper, lavender, rosemary... the list is endless!
kevin - have left comments on your blog! You have made me laugh so hard.
dj kirby - kind comment, thank you! will find some more rural escapades just for you...

Gadjo Dilo said...

Mmmm, nice garden, nice sheep. I've just gone to a lot of trouble to get some decent well-rotted cow poo as fertiliser for my new garden, so maybe you should be grateful for the free service these sheep have provided!

Ladybird World Mother said...

gadjo dilo - where else can we talk about decent well-rotted cow poo... isn't blogging marvellous!
(You're right, damned lucky to get free manure on my doorstep. If only it wasnt RIGHT on my doorstep)
Hope your garden will go bloomin' mad now with all that poo.