Tuesday, 30 April 2013


Oh, deary, deary, me.  It's NOT good.
Youngest has done it again.
We were talking about what present to give my friend whose birthday is on Friday.  Last year gave her the most enormous pair of pants EVER.
HUGE.  SO vast that two grown men can fit, one entire body in each pant.  As it were.
Why? Why did I give her enormous pants?
Um.
Absolutely no idea.
However.
It is her birthday again, so thinking caps were on, and my three children were all having a thought about what I could give her.
Giant thongs? asked Middle Son, guffawing and spitting out tea.
Youngest giggles hard.  Obviously finds that very amusing indeed.
Then.
'What's a thong?'
We all spit out our tea again, and try to explain what a thong is.  Difficult to keep it clean.
As it were.
Anyway, we all agreed that it's NOT a great idea, not in the grand scheme of things. Thongs.
Big silence while we all think again.
'Giant condom?' asks Daughter, hardly able to get the words out.
After we've all shouted EWWW and told her how disgusting that is, and NO, I WILL NOT buy giant condoms, we all settle down again.
Youngest still giggling.  You can see the think bubbles working.
'What's a condom?' he asks, clear voice slicing the quiet air like a knife.
Oh, no.
'Well,' I say.  'Um.'  I absolutely can't think of a nice, clean way to explain this one.
The other older children looking across at me with grins as wide as the M25.  Wondering what on EARTH I am going to say.
Youngest pipes up.  'Is it a Love Bag?'
That's it.  We've all had it.  Tea, biscuits, spit, all comes out in total hysterical bout of painful laughter.  Youngest looking on, all interested and amused that he has caused such a riot.
Middle Son horrified and delighted at the same time.  Daughter pealing with laughter and unable to talk, let alone stay on her chair.
'Love bag?' I ask feebly, unable to frame words with mouth that is so wide open in mirth it has stopped functioning as tool for language.
'Yes, is it a Love Bag?' asks Youngest.  You could even HEAR the capital letters as he said the words.
It was no good.  I couldn't answer as paralysed by hysteria.  Gave up.  Washed up and ran bath for still giggling Youngest.
And as I did so, mused in confused sort of a way WHY Youngest would come up with Love Bag?? But have to say that it is rather brilliant way of describing said item.  New marketing tool?

And so Youngest now believes that condoms are Love Bags and that thongs are pants without a bottom.
Great conversationalist, my kids.
And so my friend's birthday?  What will I get her?  I thought a nice book and a bunch of flowers.
Am SO not asking my children for any more advice.  EVER.


11 comments:

Liz said...

I'd been interested in his definition of exactly what a love bag is. On second thoughts, probably best not to ask.

Ladybird World Mother said...

Let us never visit that thought again We have NO idea WHY he even mentioned the flipping things. Hey ho... the joys of motherhood. xxx

Confused said...

One of the funniest things ive read in ages! Had me spitting my tea out too!!

catharinewithenay.com said...

Thank you, as always, for your posts. I may call by infrequently but you never fail to bring a smile to my face!

Ladybird World Mother said...

Confused and CW - lovely to see you both... glad you spat and giggled. I'll pop by and spit at yours too! hugs xx

Tattie Weasle said...

Have not spat but have laughed so loudly I woke the dog up - she burrowed her way back down the bed huffing all the while as if to say "humans!!!Mad!" Wanted to share but the whole thing but it would have been lost in translation....just the sort of chortle I needed before bed. Brilliant!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

But do hope you told her the above story and why you chose her gifts. Thanks for the wonderful laugh. A x

martine said...

Just random visiting in July, how did I miss this one, an absolute classic ... I so miss my children being little they are not so much fun grown up.

Diane said...

I came around to see if you were still here... and I know you might never even see this comment, as the post is months old, but I was screaming with laughter. I'm totally calling condoms 'love bags' from now on!! Hope you're well and happy!! xo

Robynn's Ravings said...

Fell off the face of the earth but had to come here once I resurfaced. I see you are not blogging much either but when you do, it's still a regular riot! Had to pop in for a quick hello and to see if the craziness still continued at your house. SO glad to see it does! Long lost love from your long lost California friend.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I just keep thinking about the conversation now coming up in school :)