Have Crawled my way through to the end of the Summer Holidays.
I look a complete Fright. Hair on end. Don't even MENTION where.
Eyes hollowed out, clothes old and worn, sense of humour long gone.
Added to which I have just celebrated my 50th birthday.
For God's sake.
I'm not fifty!
I am merely seventeen with a few lines and sags here and there. And those wretched hairs in places they just Shouldn't Be.
I lay awake on the night before my birthday, fretting about leaving the haven that was my 40's. The comfort that there was That Big Number which I hadn't yet reached. The knowing that the Saga Age of tweed and cheap weekday pub meals was some way off yet.
But then I woke up, and found that I WAS one of those.
Husband leaned over when he saw that I was awake.
'Happy birthday!' he said. And gave me the first kiss of the next half century.
Which was nice, and felt quite like it had when I was 49.
So. Fifty. Ker-ist.
I'm not going to get into the Saga Holidays and the Meal Deals at the pub. Or Tweed. (Hate Tweed. Would rather wear Nothing.)
I'm still going to wear the occasional short skirt. I will still behave a little badly at the odd party by dancing till I drop and shouting out the words to 'High Ho Silver Lining'.
I won't be such a bloody Wuss about growing older.
And I will remember that now that I am FIFTY I can be a right old Bossy Cow.
Just like that woman on 'Ladette to Lady'.
You know, the one with all the teeth.
Who says 'Sluttish' quite a lot.
(She actually looks like a caricature of herself. Which is quite an achievement. The only other person to do that was Barbara Cartland. One of the best laughs you could get when she was on telly was to turn up the colour. Brilliant!)
Anyway, I am off to Pot some Roses, or whatever else you do when you are FIFTY.
And better find some reading glasses. And slippers. Oh, and a nice Pac-a-mac.
Oh, sod all of that. Am going to watch the Simpsons with the children and then bounce on the trampoline for a bit.
Have at least ten years to grow up before I am sixty.
So that's OK.